As Fate Would Have It
by into.scrapes
Summary: Edward can't stall fate. He loses control and attacks Bella on the first day they meet, but realizes he can’t follow through with draining her. Can Bella still love the monster that stole her life? AU, rated M for mild language and sex. OOC.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer. **

This story was inspired by a line from a _New Moon_ AU story, "A Cold, White Christmas," by one of my favorite authors, EdwardsBloodType. In that story Edward tells Bella, "Apparently, I messed with fate a bit. **If I had tried to kill you when I first saw you, I would have known then you were my match, and I would have changed you instead of killing you**. But since I do not behave in the manner traditional vampires should, it is as if I altered fate by not trying to kill you."

Reading that line made me wonder what it would have been like if Edward had bitten Bella that first day, and thus, I write, with EdwardsBloodType's blessing, _Twilight_…As Fate Would Have It.

A huge thanks to my beta and cheerleader, EJenn!

Chapter 1: Three Fates

**BPOV**

So far, my first day at Forks High School was nothing like imagined. I thought for sure I could go on just like I did back home in Phoenix. Invisible. Just keep to myself and be left alone. That was not the case. I was bombarded with attention. None of it pleasing. As a sat in the cafeteria, with who I assumed were the popular kids, I contemplated how glaringly obvious it was that I didn't belong.

_Maybe it's this stupid blue sweater._ That's what I got for wearing something so low cut! I felt like every guy in the school was ogling me.

I had met some really nice kids though. That's the thing, just like in Phoenix, they were kids to me; not peers. I was too grown up, too mature. I always tried so hard to seem a little younger. I used slang whenever I could and tried to keep some of my more developed opinions to myself. It looked like I was fooling the corral of mindless teens that surrounded me for the time being.

Jessica Stanley had been in my first period English class and she said we'd have Gym together too. I was grateful that someone I knew would be in my Gym class as it would inevitably be horrifying. I was kind of clumsy, extremely uncoordinated. I was always the last one picked for teams. In fact, once in third grade during relay races, the teacher told me—in front of the entire class, by the way—that even her five year old daughter could skip better than me. I had always hated relay races. Seriously, what was the point in them? To make all the good-looking, athletic kids hate the clumsy and fat kids. That was the point.

Mike Newton would be in my Gym class too. Mike seemed to have taken a particular interest in me and I was observant enough to know right away that Jessica was jealous of me and envious of the attention Mike was showing me. I looked around the cafeteria as I nibbled on some celery. They were all the same. Petty, young kids. Then the cafeteria doors opened and flood of gorgeous people entered the room like a gust of crisp, fresh air.

I nudged Jessica, stirring her from her conversation with Mike, which was sure she didn't appreciate. "Who are they?" I pointed discretely toward the group of four who was making their way to a table.

"Oh them? They're the Cullens. They're like total freaks."

"Cullens? They're all related?" I asked.

"Well, sort of, they're adopted." She named off each one of the four beautiful teenagers. They didn't really look like teenagers though. They were too pretty, too perfect…even the two guys. Their skin was flawless and pale. Their hair, their clothes, everything about them was so polished. They had to be rich. The tall blonde was Rosalie and the burly guy next to her was Emmett, Jessica said. The short one with the pixie-hair was Alice and the blonde guy was Jasper—Rosalie's twin.

"They seem like a really…affectionate family," I observed aloud.

"Yeah, they're all together…like together together," Jessica said, sounding disgusted. "Alice and Jasper are like, a thing and so are Rosalie and Emmett."

"Ooookay," I drew out the word to emphasize how weirded out I was by that fact. Even though they weren't blood relatives, I couldn't separate them from the stigma the gossip placed on them. I wasn't big on judging people but all I could think was..._gross_…and convenient. If only I had it so easy, finding a hot boyfriend just down the hall from my bedroom. Just then the cafeteria doors opened again and I saw him for the first time. Jessica followed my eyes.

"That's the other one. Edward Cullen. He's a total snob, don't even waste your time," she rolled her eyes and I got the feeling Jessica was a woman scorned.

"Oh, God," I said trying to pull my eyes away from him, "he's too gorgeous, I wouldn't have a chance in hell." I looked at Jessica and she smiled, satisfied with my self-deprecation. Throughout lunch I tried to stay engrossed in the trivial conversations going on around me but my eyes kept wandering back to the Cullens' table…back to Edward. A couple times I caught him staring at me. But not the way Mike Newton or Tyler Crowley stared at me. It was a deep, piercing stare. When my eyes caught his he didn't look away.

The entire cafeteria full of students turned their attention to him when he jumped out of his chair and proceeded to have a hushed conversation with his sister. He left the room in a huff, and I was a little disappointed that all that staring had come to nothing. It shouldn't have mattered, right? It wasn't like he was going to get up, saunter across the cafeteria, introduce himself, and ask me to marry him. It would have been nice though. A great story to tell our grandchildren.

**EPOV**

I got held over in class by Mrs. Ackerman. She was by far the most bizarre teacher I'd ever come in contact with during my countless years in high school. She asked me to stay and grade some quizzes from her Freshman English class. The fact of the matter was she just wanted to sit at her desk, watching me, and having freaky teacher-student dominatrix fantasies. She wasn't the first teacher who'd ever hit on me and I figured she wouldn't be the last but the kind of shit she thought about doing to me really freaked me out. I graded the quizzes inhumanly fast so I could get the hell out of there and away from being mentally spanked with a ruler. Sometimes being able to read minds was merely a burden. Other times it was an agonizing weight that held me down and tortured me.

I finally made it to the cafeteria and my family was already sitting at our table. The whole school was buzzing over the new girl, Isabella Swan. She liked to be called "Bella" apparently because in the students' minds they had gradually shifted from calling her "Isabella" to "Bella" throughout the day. I was actually a little excited about meeting her in spite of myself. I hadn't heard her thoughts yet even though she was just one classroom away from me last period. I figured I need to hear her speaking voice so I'd be able to distinguish her thoughts more clearly. Usually the two sounded similar.

I had heard plenty about her over the course of the school day. She was seventeen and had just moved here from Phoenix to live with her father, the police chief of Forks. She drove a rusty beast of a truck and was kind of clumsy. I had seen her trip at least three times in other people's thoughts. Of course, all the guys wanted to get in her pants and all the girls envied her for it. She was pretty from what I had seen and heard, with long dark hair and big brown eyes. She was the kind of girl I would be attracted to…if I allowed myself to be attracted to anyone. I really couldn't stand blondes and I attributed that to the fact that my "sister" Rosalie was a blonde and everything she did, said, and thought generally pissed me off.

I heard Jessica Stanley talking about me as I made my way to the table. She said something about me being a snob. Sometimes I felt really bad for having to shun all the kids at school. It would have been nice to have some friends other than my adopted brothers and sisters. But really, it was for their own good. I couldn't be friends with a human. I knew that at any moment I could snap, no matter how strong I thought I was. I could kill any of them…all of them so easily. I had come to accept what I was but I knew better than to push my limits. I was a vampire, but I chose not to be a monster.

As I took my seat, I heard Bella's voice and felt her eyes focused on me. "Oh, God, he's too gorgeous, I wouldn't have a chance in hell," she said. And she was right because hell was a place I would never go. Heaven either. She must have thought it was something superficial that separated us. Looks or money or mystique. The thing that really made her different from me was immortality.

She had an appealing voice. Low but feminine. No distinguishable accent. Like someone you would hear on the radio. I searched for the voice in her head. I heard Jessica going on in her mind about what a jerk I was for turning her down—over two years ago. _Let it go already, Stanley!_ I heard Mike Newton deciding to pick Bella first for his volleyball team in Gym later. I heard a hundred other voices all at once but I couldn't hear Bella.

Emmett's quiet whisper interrupted my search, "So what does the new girl think about the freaky Cullens?"

I responded, like Emmett, too low for human ears to pick up, "I'm not sure why…maybe she's brainless…but I can't hear a single thought in her mind."

_Wonderboy has a flaw_, Rosalie thought. God, she could be such a bitch.

I kept searching. Nothing. I stared at her intently, literally trying to _see_ into her mind. Nothing. Every once in awhile she would look up at me, even with direct eye contact there was still nothing. My family could tell I was getting frustrated. In all my years as a vampire I'd never met a mind I couldn't read.

_Here, let me see_, Alice thought as she closed her eyes. I figured she wouldn't be able to see much. Alice's vision of the future weren't very sharp when it came to humans, without a few days of familiarity.

She changed her focus to the girl anyway. I looked into Alice's mind and saw her vision. The new girl's body lay lifeless in lush, green grass dotted with small purple flowers. I recognized the place—my meadow—my favorite place to get away. She was pallid. Her face was frozen in painful expression with her brown eyes open wide. Her mouth was gaping, as if she died in the middle of a blood-curdling scream. Blood. Her body was drained of every drop of blood. On the periphery of the vision I saw myself kneeling, sobbing tearlessly in the grass. I hissed at the image when I saw myself in the vision. "Never, Alice, I'm stronger than that," I growled at her.

Suddenly the vision changed. Still in the meadow, I saw myself reach out a hand to the backside of a tall, beautiful frame. She was wearing a sleeveless red shirt and dark blue jeans that accentuated her perfect curves. I noticed the small embroidered butterflies on each of the back pockets as I surveyed the length of her body. She turned to me and I saw her face. It was the new girl, pale and striking with scorching red eyes. She took my hand as a pained smile crossed her lips, and the vision melded into a third and final scene.

Snow was settling on the meadow. I was behind a tripod setting the timer on a camera. Beyond the camera were two figures. Again the slender, dark-haired beauty appeared with red eyes but the color was less intense, as if faded over a few months time. Her smile wasn't strained this time; in fact, she smiled and laughed with great abandon. Her arms held the second figure. It was small, a child, I thought—a girl. Her features were blurred; all I could distinguish were two large chocolate brown eyes and long bronze ringlets. I stepped out from behind the camera and into the frame, "Smile, my loves!"

The camera flashed and captured a perfect moment in time. I took one step toward the camera when the girl reached up and touched my cheek. "Daddy," she said to me without words. My sharp intake of breath derailed Alice's final vision. The word reverberated through me in the present, sending me shooting up out of my seat. The force caused my chair to slide several feet behind me, screeching as it skimmed across the cafeteria floor. Suddenly everyone was staring as I leaned into Alice and spoke, less than an inch from her face.

"Alice, you're getting kind of screwy aren't you? You don't even know this girl and already you think you can," I whispered inaudibly, "see her future?"

Alice looked intently at me as she thought, _Edward, I have a feeling that wasn't necessarily a vision of _her_ future. Those were visions of _your_ future_.

It was completely absurd. I had to get out of there before I made any more of a scene. _My future! Ha!_ I stormed out of the cafeteria.

_I'll keep an eye out for you, Edward_, Alice shot a thought my way. I headed to Biology early, jaw clenched and fists balled, contemplating the new girl's empty mind and my sister's strange visions.

**A/N: So hang in there with me for all this set-up. At least get to the bite before you bail. :) Thanks for reading!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer.**

Chapter 2: Girl Unavoided

**EPOV**

_Alice really must be losing her touch_. I couldn't get over how ridiculous those visions were. I couldn't get them out of my mind either. I replayed them over and over as I tried to reconcile the rosy girl I had seen I the cafeteria with cold girl in the images Alice had seen in the meadow. There was no way that I would kill her. No way that I would turn her. It was impossible. That last scene was more than impossible; it was ludicrous. A vampire child. Ludicrous. None of those visions could be my future, I was sure of it. Then Bella Swan stumbled into the room.

The heat vent beside Mr. Banner's desk blew her scent into my face and I breathed at exactly the wrong time. My hand immediately flew to my mouth as I attempted to restrain myself from breathing. I tried to make the pose look casual, like it was just resting my chin in my palm. My body wanted to take in her scent again and again but I refused to let it. Bella stood at the front of the class talking to the teacher as I looked around the classroom while it filled with students. _Fuck_. The only available seat was at my lab table.

Her scent was like nothing I had ever experienced before. Her blood called to me and ignited my instincts. Even though I forced myself not to breathe her in again, my mind was racing at just the memory of that scent. One hundred and one ways to kill her flashed through my thoughts as she made her way to my table. I thought briefly of jumping out of my seat and hitting the door before the bell rang. I could jump in my Volvo and drive for hours. Maybe go to Alaska. _No, I won't run away like a coward_. I wouldn't let this fragile, little human girl scare me away. That's all she was, a human.

As Bella took her seat beside me, the bell rang and Mr. Banner called the class to order. He said he had some urgent business to take care of and asked the class if we could behave ourselves for the period. He gave us a reading assignment and left the class. I was the only one who knew his "urgent business" was actually just a quickie in the janitor's closet with Mrs. Ackerman. I wondered briefly what was up with Mr. Ackerman that could cause his wife to be such a horndog.

As soon as he was out of hearing range the class erupted in conversation. Bella turned to me expectantly, waiting for me to introduce myself, I figured. After a long awkward silence I was relieved when Mike Newton approached the table to talk to Bella. In order for me to talk to her, I would have to breathe, and I wasn't ready for that yet.

"How cool is this, huh, Bella?" Mike asked, gesturing toward the door Mr. Banner had just walked out of. "You must be like good luck or something, girl." I was irritated by the way he called her "girl," like she was some hootchie in a rap video. She was a piece of meat to him. But then, I really shouldn't judge, that was all she was to me too.

My mind continued to reel with ways to kill Bella Swan. I knew Alice would come running at any moment if decided to follow through with any of the dastardly plans that were forming deep within me. Just as I stopped each train of thought, another would form.

Mike paid entirely too much attention to Bella's lips as she spoke, "Yeah, cool, I guess…well, I should probably get on this reading assignment. See you in Gym, right?"

I reveled in Mike's disappointment, "Uh, yeah, see ya then." Mike shuffled back to his lab table and Bella let out a relieved sigh. She was entirely exhausted from all the attention she was receiving today. I hoped that meant she would ignore me for the rest of class. She opened her book briskly, inadvertently fanning her scent toward me. Once again, I breathed at precisely the wrong moment. I felt her scent course through my body as venom flooded my mouth. _NO! _I would not hurt her. I listened for Alice's thoughts, she was watching as I changed the future with every decision to kill or spare Bella Swan.

Bella stared down at the book for a long moment but then she turned her face to look at me, tucking her long brown hair behind her ear. What perfect ears she had! I hadn't noticed that…ever, on anyone. _Who thinks about what people's ears look like unless they stick out like Mickey Mouse?_ Hers were perfect. Proportionate to her face. Flawlessly shaped. Absolutely symmetrical. Lobes pierced but with no earrings in them. Understated perfection.

"It's really too loud for me to concentrate on this. I'm Bella," she said, extending her hand to me. I should have gotten up right there. I should have flown out of the room and gone straight to the office to put in for a change of schedule. But I didn't. The pull of her blood was excruciating but the mystery of her mind was nearly as unbearable. _What is she thinking about me? _There I was, sitting with my lips pursed, starring blankly at her extended hand while she waited anxiously for me to reach out and take it. She bit her bottom lip and started to withdrawal her hand.

I reached out and grabbed it before it fell completely to her lap. I felt an electric charge surge through my hand, and I thought maybe she did too because her grasp immediately fell and she brought her hand down to the table. "I'm Edward," I said simply, trying to use up as little of my air supply as possible. It wasn't getting any easier to be near her, but I had no desire to be away from her.

"It's…nice to meet you," she said, gesturing awkwardly toward me.

I nodded. "You as well." And I hoped that was enough for her.

It wasn't. "Umm, so this is a strange question, but do I smell bad or something?" I laughed out loud. She was pretty observant. She attempted to speak over my laughter, "It's just that you seem like you're holding your breath so you don't have to…smell me or something?" She said it was like a question, so unsure of herself. I found her insecurity so appealing. She was weak, I could dominate her so easily.

I practically growled a response, "Actually, you smell really, really good." I said it a little too seductively and she was all too receptive. _It would be so easy to drain her…to taste her blood_. Again my mind ran away from me. _Wouldn't she be fun to chase? I'd let her have a good head start, think she could get away and then…_

"I didn't think I smelled bad, I mean, I haven't even been to Gym yet," she said jokingly and snapped me out of the trance her blood put me in. I tried to concentrate on her mind, anything but her scent. Anything but the pink flush on her cheeks. Anything but the blue veins slightly raised on the insides of her wrists. Anything but the sound of her beating heart filling my sensitive ears.

"So, you're new here?" What a stupid fucking question that was! _Of course she's new here, you idiot!_

"Uh, yeah, first day. Just moved here over the weekend."

"Oh, where did you move from?" I asked though I already knew the answer.

"Phoenix, Arizona."

"Phoenix, huh?" I said, trying to fake some sort of mild surprise. "What brings you to Forks?"

"My dad lives here. He's the police chief."

"Oh, Chief Swan, right," I observed.

"Yeah, you know him? Ever have any 'run-ins' with the law?" she asked making air quotes with her fingers.

I laughed again and I saw just a hint of a gleam in her eye. Did she like my laugh? _If I could only read her mind!_

"No, there's not much trouble to get into around here. Why did you move in with your dad?" I wanted to keep the conversation geared toward her; the less she knew about me, the better. And honestly, I was just curious. I'd never been so intrigued by a human.

"My mom got remarried last year and she wanted to travel with her new husband, Phil. He's a baseball player…minor league," she said blankly, as if it was no big deal to just pack up and leave her home.

"Anyone I would have heard of?" I was a pretty big baseball aficionado. In fact, I was a pretty big aficionado of everything. I had a lot of extra time on my hands since I never slept.

"Probably not, he's kinda sucky." I chuckled and she stuck out her hands, attempting to clarify. "No, that sounds mean, I mean, I love Phil, but yeah, he sucks."

We were falling easily into a pattern of conversation. One of us would say something and the other would laugh and pose another question. It was fascinating to talk with someone not knowing what they would say before they responded verbally. I could do this. I wouldn't hurt her. Alice would be able to see that. As long as I didn't think about her blood, as long as I stayed in control, I could push the thirst away. Well, not completely away, but I could put it in second place at least; I could put her first.

She was telling a story about this enormously fat guy she got stuck sitting next to on the plane to Seattle. "Seriously, he was like 600 pounds! He was taking up his entire seat and half of mine!" We laughed together and she drew her hand up to her face, running it through her hair from its roots to where it fell just below her chest. My eyes followed her dainty hand as it grazed her breast on the way down. The way it swept across her low cut blue shirt, drawing attention to the pale skin on her neck and chest distracted me.

I found myself thinking about touching her as she continued her story. Running my fingers through her long dark hair just as she had. Listening to her resonating voice tickling my ear as she whispered to me. Her warm breath sending chills down my spine as her mouth met mine. My lips brushing across her nipple as I made my way down her body to her wet center. Suddenly, my lips were on her throat and I was draining her. _Control, Edward. Control_. I couldn't let my mind get carried away and I would be fine. I couldn't dwell on her blood…or her body. I had to stay in the moment, concentrate on the now.

"So here I am walking off the plane covered in Coca-Cola, big brown splotches all over my favorite white t-shirt! Worst plane ride, ever."

I felt awful. I had missed the part about the fat guy spilling Coke on her and I hoped she couldn't tell. Worse that that, I didn't have anything to go on so I changed the subject.

"So you got here, sticky and wet, but you're here…how are you liking Forks?" She let out an exasperated sigh. Not good. "That much, huh?" I prodded.

"Well, I just don't get why everyone thinks it's such a beautiful place. I just don't get it. No sun. No heat. Everything's so green…people actually vacation here?" She asked skeptically.

"You just haven't see the real Forks, there are some really beautiful views. I could…show you around. After school today?" _What the fuck am I doing?!_ I was pretty sure I just asked her out. So royally stupid.

The bell rang before she could answer and she started gathering her things into her messenger bag. _Shit_. Not only did I just ask her out but I was getting turned down! There was no way. No way. I had already put it out there; I wasn't going to give up that easily.

I walked next to her out of the class room and down the hall toward the Junior lockers. "Today?" she finally asked. Maybe she _was_ slow. Or maybe she was flattered? _Should I allow myself to consider it?_

"Yeah, is today not good for you?" I asked, a little worried. I suddenly had this panging feeling, like if I didn't see her again, I'd be…sad. Sadder than normal even. And that was _really_ sad.

"No, today would be great, it looks like I'm not going to have any homework or anything," she responded tentatively as we approached her locker and she started entering the combination.

"Ok, so I'll have to drop my brothers and sisters off at our house, but I'll pick you up after that?"

"Yeah, yeah, that'd be great. Do you know where I live?" she asked as she rummaged through her bag, taking out her Biology book and placing it on the top shelf of her locker, avoiding all eye contact with me.

"On Elm, right? The yellow house?"

"Yep. That's it. See you then," she waved as she slammed her locker and turned away flushed.

I waved and turned the other way, heading for the back door of the school. There was no way I was going on a date with Bella Swan without grabbing a bite to eat first.

_This is a date, right?_ I headed into the woods behind the school for a quick snack. I drained a couple deer as I considered what had just transpired between Bella and I. Between a human and I. I found that I didn't immediately think of her that way anymore. She wasn't just a human. She was Bella; so real to me, so personal.

I thought about where to take her…to show her the real Forks. The things that make this town one of our favorite places to live. It was a cloudy enough day that I could remain outside with her. It might be difficult having Bella for a friend, if this…relationship progressed that way, with the whole sparkling in the sun thing. I briefly considered telling her what I was. Maybe I should. Maybe I should scare her away.

I wouldn't. First of all, I wasn't selfless enough to do that. Second, I couldn't risk it; it was illegal to tell humans about what we were. It would put my whole family in danger. I couldn't endanger them with my selfish need to be near this girl whose mind was a mystery to me.

I wondered again why I couldn't see her mind and then I realized that was part of my desire to be alone with her. I would take her far away, deep into the woods where we could be in total silence. _Imagine being able to carry on a normal conversation…without hearing the thoughts of the person I was talking to…and not hearing the thoughts everyone around us._ I was genuinely excited. Excited to get to know this girl. Excited to experience the silence of her mind once again.

**BPOV**

_My first day at school and I'm totally going on a date with the hottest guy on the planet._ Things were definitely looking up. Ok, so maybe it wasn't exactly a "date." I said I didn't really get the whole beauty of cold, wet, cloudy Forks thing and he wanted to show me what I was missing. Oh, who was I kidding, this was _so_ a date. I had practically forgotten his initial weird shyness. He totally made up for it by laughing at all my stupid traveling stories. _He has a great laugh_. While dressing for Gym, Jessica asked me how my first day was going.

"It's been good really. Everyone is so nice here." It was true. So nice. Too nice.

"So, see any guys you like?" Jessica hedged.

There was no way I was going to count my chickens before they hatched. "No, not really."

"Oh, really…you don't like…Mike?"

Ahh, this wasn't about Edward, thankfully. "Mike is really nice, but he's not my type."

"He really seems to think you're his type…"

"I'll put in a good word for you, Jessica." As if I could ever like Mike Newton…oh yeah, and I had a date with Edward Freaking Cullen!! I squealed internally.

After Gym, I headed straight for my truck without even hitting the locker room. I glanced around the parking lot, as it was filling with students, but Edward was no where to be seen. I noticed one of his sisters, the shorter pixie-like one, Alice, I remembered her name. She was standing next to a silver Volvo waiting for the rest of her family. I let my eyes linger just a second too long and she noticed me. I huge smile crossed her face and she waved vigorously. Did she know I was going on a date with her brother? I waved back and smiled as I turned for my truck.

I rushed home and flew up the stairs and into the shower. I used exactly the same routine I always did, leaving nothing out. I didn't want to change the way I smelled. He seemed to really…like it. The thought of him breathing me in sent a warm sensation shooting between my legs. It was a feeling I usually only experienced while watching Brad Pitt in _Meet Joe Black_. _This guy is definitely special_. Luckily I had just shaved my legs yesterday…not that that could possibly be necessary for a first date. A first date that wasn't really even a date.

**EPOV  
**

When I got back to the parking lot after my hunt, Alice was the only one already at the car. She was leaning casually, looking a little smug, as I glanced around the parking lot looking for Bella's truck. "She's already left, Edward. She went home to shower."

"You dirty little pixie, you've been watching her shower?"

Alice rolled her eyes as we both opened our doors and slid into the front seat. "She's very pretty, Edward…but why are you doing this?"

"Doing what, sister dear?" I was playing with her a little. _Nothing gets past Alice._

"You've decided to take her on a picnic. You want to…get to know her?"

"Alice, in all my time as a vampire I've never met anyone, human or otherwise, that I couldn't hear. It's fascinating…and it's frustrating…and it's really…nice. Can I do this, Alice?" I could hear the pleading tone flood my voice and I knew she could too. _Tell me I can do this._

"You haven't decided to do anything yet but neither has she, really. She wants to look nice…to impress you. But she hasn't thought about much beyond that, there's no way for me to tell how you'll react to her actions." She hesitated, "Edward…I saw the things you were planning in Biology. Her blood, it's…"

"Yes, Alice it's…the strongest I've ever experienced. It's like nothing I've ever smelled. When her heart speeds, when she blushes…when my mind gets carried away, I can hardly control myself. But you saw how I stopped myself, Alice. How I changed the future over and over…I _can_ do this."

Just then I decided something. The meadow, it would be the perfect place. Alice saw my future taking shape...me holding my hand out to Bella as I opened the passenger door of the Volvo, parked at the head of the trail that lead to the meadow.

"Are you sure that's a good idea, Edward? Considering that's where you were with her in _all _of the visions I had at lunch today?"

"It's the only place far enough away that I can't hear anyone's mind. What do you see there now?"

I looked into her thoughts and saw Bella and I in the meadow, talking while she ate a sandwich. Then another vision of the two of us lying in the grass, a huge smile on Bella's face. _Harmless_.

"See, Alice, harmless."

_The future can change in an instant, Edward. You know this, s_he thought, then said aloud, "Do you want me to stay close by, in case…in case something changes?"

"No, Alice, I want to be alone with her. I want to hear the silence."

"Three miles then, that's as far away as I'll be." I nodded in concession—that would be far enough to keep her thoughts out of my mind.

Just then the back doors opened and Rosalie slid in followed by Jasper and Emmett on either side.

"Rosalie, what kind of sandwich did you like best when you were human?" I asked. I'd much rather ask a question like this to Alice, but she remembered nothing of her life before her transformation. Rosalie seemed to have the best memories of her human life because she rehashed them so often. She lived in the past a lot, which I believed is what made her such a bitch in the present.

It was a good thing Emmett was so happy-go-lucky. Any other vampire I knew wouldn't put up with her shit. He still loved her unconditionally despite everything she put him through. I was envious of love like theirs. I was pretty emotionally high-maintenance myself, it would take a special vampire to love me…one that didn't exist.

I had resolved that there was no one out there for me. I was the one and only vampire in the universe meant to live a solitary life. It was boring and monotonous and hopeless. Rosalie's bitchiness brought me back from my desperate musings.

"Why do you wanna know, butt-munch?" _I can't believe I have to sit in the back seat again! _

"Rose, drive yourself tomorrow for crying out loud. Just tell me."

Of all my brothers and sisters, Rose and I had the relationship that most resembled an actual sibling rivalry.

"I liked peanut butter and grape jelly." I looked at her in the rearview mirror as realization crossed her face, "You're going to make _her_ a sandwich?! How will that help you read her mind?"

Emmett, always half a step behind, "Who? Who's he gonna make a sandwich for?"

Alice chimed in, "Edward is taking Bella on a picnic in the meadow. Isn't that romantic?"

Jasper feigned a look of offense. "I took you out for some delectable elk blood last week, darlin', that wasn't romantic?"

We all laughed as the mood in the car lightened. Jasper had a way of doing that, it was sort of his "vampire super power," as cheesy as that sounds. He could sense and even manipulate the emotions of those around him. Like Alice and I, his power worked on vampires best, but could also be extended to humans with more focus and familiarity.

We drove home, chatting along the way about the day's events and making plans for the rest of the week. My brothers and sisters were carefully avoiding any more mentions of Bella. It was weird, but I kept having this pressing urge to bring her name back up in the conversation.

Like when Emmett said something about a baseball game on ESPN on Thursday that he didn't want to miss. I almost said, "Hey, guess what, Bella's step-dad is a minor league baseball player!"

Alice and Rosalie talked about what they'd wear to school tomorrow and at just the mention of the word "brown," I nearly blurted out, "Bella's got brown eyes!"

Crazy, right? I couldn't get her off my brain. I was relieved when I dropped the others off at home, thinking I would be able to breathe a little easier not having to guard my tongue around them. I could say all the crazy shit I wanted to about Bella out loud…as long as no one else was nearby to hear it.

"How long before she's ready, Alice?"

"Give her thirty minutes," Alice responded as I sped off.

* * *

**A/N: Hugs to all my first reviewers: icefang7, xcrazyangelx1800, Frogsgirl21, yankeerose, x-Silly-Caitlin-x, and everyone who put this on their alert/favorites! You guys made me jump around screaming and grinning like an idiot! Thanks to EdwardsBloodType, whose stories are so amazing that it should be illegal not to read them. And EJen—study, then read! Muah!**

* * *


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer.**

Chapter 3: First Date

**EPOV**

I headed to Newton's Outfitters to pick up some picnic supplies first. I figured I had plenty of time since Bella was in the shower and I fought to keep those images at bay. Next I headed to Forks' only grocery store just down the road. It was easier to keep my mind occupied in the store; I focused on choosing foods that I commonly saw people eating while taking into account nutritional information rather than price or fancy packaging. Humans had so many choices!

For my family it was simple, "Edward, what do you want for dinner this week?"

"Well, how about whatever's in season?"

I laughed at the simplicity of my very complicated existence as I made my way to the car, trying hard to keep a normal human pace when I was so excited I really wanted to run. I sat in the car and started preparing the sandwiches. _Peanut butter is some messy shit!_ I felt like a medical student holding a scalpel for the first time. Spreading that gunk was taking longer than I had figured. I found myself wondering if Bella was out of the shower yet.

Then I started picturing her naked. Water was cascading down her body as her hands rubbed small circles all over her torso. My breath began to quicken as I saw tiny soap bubbles sliding down her legs and into the drain. She missed a spot apparently, because suddenly I was in the shower with her.

I grabbed the soap from her and lathered it in my hands until it was thick, white and creamy. I started rubbing at her neck, just below her hair line. I massaged gently, pressing my fingertips into the top of her spinal cord. Her head dropped back and she moaned with pleasure. I moved down to her collarbone, running my soapy fingertips out from the center. My hands brushed down the length of her body, lingering on her breast as I moved toward her center. She was crying out for me, pleading for me to touch her. My fingers found her wet and ready for me.

The texture of the soft, filmy secretion put me over the edge. I slammed her body against the shower wall and plunged my hard erection into her. Before I could fully enjoy the pleasure of feeling her insides, my mouth was automatically drawn to her neck. I was immediately frightened by the pleasure of merely imaging my teeth sinking into her flesh. My mouth flooded with venom as I imagined the taste of her blood.

I was so startled by the vivid taste that I was finally able to regain control of my mind. I remembered where I was. Not in a shower at the police chief's house, but in my car in a grocery store parking lot. I looked down at the peanut butter covered knife in my hand; the metal handle was mangled, bent to the shape of the inside of my grip.

_Grip, Edward, get a grip_. I realized again how much harder it is to resist the call of her blood when I was thinking about her in a sexual way. Truthfully, I was surprised by the strength of my sex drive. By how descriptive my imagination was. I had never actually touched a woman like that, never actually felt that film between my fingers, never experienced what it's like to thrust myself into someone. But when I pictured myself with Bella, it came so naturally to me. The sex…and the biting. The two must be so closely connected. It was almost like one of those tacky vampire movies. No, it was _just_ like one of those tacky vampire movies. Biting Isabella Swan would be sexual, it would be the greatest pleasure I had ever known.

_I won't do it._ I thought it and I meant it. I wouldn't do it. I was pretty experienced at denying myself any kind of peace or happiness. _This should be a cinch_.

I finished making up the sandwiches. One that would actually get eaten. The other for just for show. I placed them in the picnic basket with some other food items I had chosen and some drinks. I left the parking lot and headed to Bella's house.

I listened for the thoughts of her neighbors. There was nothing much really going on in this sleepy little place. Very few people were even home, and none had noticed my presence. Someone was watching a soap opera, another was feeding their child a snack. I went to the door and knocked, a little too vigorously. I realized then just how excited I was. I felt like a normal, hormonal teenager for once in my life…all wound-up about going on a first date with a pretty girl. _Weird_. I tried to pull my eagerness back a few notches.

She came to the door looking even more gorgeous than she had at school. She had curled her hair and put on lip gloss. The power of her scent and the inviting sheen on her lips hit me simultaneously and I had to grip the right side of the door frame to hold myself back from pouncing her. I'd never felt like this before.

I loved every moment of the pain of holding myself back from her...like a masochist. Her very presence was torture and I immersed myself in it. Each moment I didn't hurt her was a small victory and my confidence only grew. I would not hurt her.

She spoke first, a simple hello. I smiled and returned her greeting.

"So, where are we going?" she asked.

"Are you up for a bit of a walk?" I looked down at her shoes, sneakers—perfect.

"Sure, but I have to warn you, I'm kinda…clumsy. Not a very good hiking partner."

I walked ahead of her to the car so I could open her door. She smiled and nodded a thanks as she slid into the passenger seat. She looked a little surprised, like she wasn't expecting that. I wouldn't have had it any other way.

My next move wasn't quite as smooth. I was brimming with anticipation and I took my excitement out on the gas petal. Probably not the best way to drive with a human in your car for the first time…ever.

"So you like to drive, umm, fast, huh?" she said, reaching for the handle bar above her head.

"You don't like going _fast_, Bella?" Definitely a little double entendre there. Where was that coming from? There was a hormonal little player deep down inside me after all.

"Well, I don't know exactly…" she blushed a little and turned to look out the passenger window, "my truck doesn't go over 50."

"Would you like to drive the Volvo? This car can really fly." She would look so sexy driving this car. Or the Aston. Definitely the Aston.

"No, no, that's ok, I'll just sit back and enjoy the ride," she said, still a little apprehensive.

I eased the petal down even further and she let out a little squeal. She liked speed; she just didn't know it until today. Secret thrill-seeker, I had a feeling.

The player in me seized the opportunity to brag on myself a little. "I've got a thing with speed…I'm a pretty fast runner too."

"Really," she said assertively, staring me straight in the eyes now, "it's not always about speed, you know, it's also about distance." _Bold move_. Bella had definitely just won the award for best sexual innuendo of the day.

"My endurance leaves little to be desired, I promise you," I said with a smirk. The bravado washed from her body at my response and she looked away quickly, turning her head to the back seat and noticing the picnic basket.

"A picnic?"

"Uh, yeah, I hope you like peanut butter and jelly…I'm not much of a cook."

"PB and J is great." I told myself to remember to thank Rosalie later. "That's really cool, no one has ever taken me on a picnic."

"Never?" I couldn't believe it. How much had this girl been denied? "My parents used to take me picnicking in the park all the time when I was little."

"Your birth parents or the doctor and his wife?" she asked.

"So you know about the 'freaky Cullen family'?"

She laughed. "I got the run down at lunch today. You're all adopted?"

"Yes, my parents…they died from the flu."

"Oh, Edward, I'm so sorry, that's terrible. You don't hear of adults dying from the flu very often anymore."

_That's because it was 90 years ago_, I thought. "Yeah, it was pretty severe, I had it too, but survived thanks to Carlisle."

"Dr. Cullen?"

"Yes, he did everything he could for my parents but the flu had progressed too quickly. He was able to…cure me and he and his wife, Esme, adopted me. We moved away from Chicago a…" _a few decades ago,_ I thought to myself but said aloud, "a few years ago."

"How old were you?"

"Uh…too young to remember much about them." I was trying to avoid outright lies. _Actually, Bella, I was seventeen when they died, I'm 108 now. _I couldn't tell her the truth either.

"Did you stay in Chicago for long…afterward I mean?"

"No, we moved shortly after my…" _transformation was complete_"…adoption was final. Carlisle took a job a small town hospital in Ashland, Wisconsin."

"Jessica said you guys moved down from Alaska. Do you move a lot?"

_You have no idea_. "Yeah, Carlisle's a really talented surgeon and he gets burned out, you know? So we move a lot to keep things interesting." Another half-truth. "How about you, do you miss Phoenix?"

"Yeah, I miss my mom…and I miss the sun."

I laughed. I saw that same gleam in her eye that I had seen in Biology earlier that day. She definitely liked my laugh.

"Well, it was really selfless of you to move so your mom could be with her new husband."

"Ehh, it's no big thing. I'm pretty good at denying myself any kind of happiness," she said with a smile and a dismissive wave of her hand.

I laughed again. "I was just thinking that _very same thing_ today about myself. We must be kindred?"

"That depends…what's your favorite color?"

"Blue," I said, thinking about the blue sweater she was wearing earlier today and the way it contrasted her beautiful brown eyes. Before today, I probably wouldn't have known how to answer that question. I didn't have a favorite of anything in this life until today. All colors looked the same to me. Everything was grey; nothing in this world held any particular interest for me. But something had changed, I knew for sure…blue was positively my favorite color.

"Huh, me too. Favorite movie?"

"Ahh, this I know we won't have in common…it's probably…" I ran through every movie I'd ever seen, which was pretty much every movie that had ever been made, including the silent films I'd seen as a human. I figured that I shouldn't mention anything too old, though I remembered really liking Charlie Chaplain. _His New Job_ was the most hilarious movie I'd ever seen at the impressionable age of fourteen. I continued, "…probably _Cool Hand Luke_."

"Yeah, not my fave, but I love Paul Newman. That's a great movie."

"What is your 'fave'?" I said making air quotes with just my right hand. Her casual use of slag made her sound so young and I yearned to feel the same way.

She thought for a long moment. "_Say Anything_, with John Cusack."

I started singing, removing my hands from the wheel and raising them straight up over my head, pretending to hold up a gigantic 1980's style boom box. "In your eyes…the night, the heat…your eyes…"

She laughed so hard that her body shook against the leather seat and her face turned beat-red. The color in her face set my instincts on fire. I inhaled a deep breath and consumed her scent, which was impossibly stronger in this confined space. I fought to stay in the moment. "Put your hands back on the wheel, you lunatic!" she shrieked through her laughter.

I put my hands back on the steering wheel and tried to focus on her playful tone and not the color in her face. "Lunatic? I'm a lunatic?" I asked, grinning, as I laid the gas petal to the floorboard. I watched the needle rise gradually from 60 to 80 to 112. She was squealing with both excitement and fear, gripping the handle bar once again, as the Volvo hugged every curve in the road.

"OK, OK! You're not a lunatic!" she screamed.

"That's better," I said as I slowly eased up on the gas.

"Lunatic," I heard her mutter under her breath with a smile.

"I heard that, you know! I'd lay it back down, but we're almost there."

We chatted about more of our favorite things, and just like before I felt the answers come easier than they ever had. Talking with her was so natural. It was fascinating to carry on a conversation without hearing her thoughts…without being able to anticipate her every response.

I tried to make every statement as true as possible. When I had to side-step a fact of my life or make up a little lie to keep my secret, I attempted to preface it with something true. _Really_ true. I felt like this way, even if she wasn't getting exactly what she had asked, at least she was getting something real, something personal, something Edward. That was something I rarely provided to anyone, even Alice.

We talked about movies and music and discovered we had a lot in common. She liked Linkin Park _and_ Debussy. She was so young, and yet so old. I couldn't help but feel the same way about myself. My body was perfect, but my mind was weathered. I was a walking oxymoron. How could this girl, this seventeen year old human, be the same?

"You're right," she decided, "we are kindred."

"Exactly what I was thinking. Well," I said slowing to a stop and putting the car in park, "we're here!"

I grabbed the picnic basket from the backseat and jumped out of the car. A little too fast for a human, but I wanted to get to her door before she could open it herself. My birth father had always taught me it was a crime against humanity to allow a woman to open a door for herself. Ninety years and a few feminist movements later, that law had pretty much gone out the window. But not for me. This is how I had always imagined my first date and I was not going to over think it. I would do everything right—naturally, as it came. I would finally allow myself to be that silly teenager on his first date. That much I could permit myself, right?

She smiled as I opened the door and offered my hand to her. She placed her warm little hand in my and an electric current flowed through my body. We didn't jerk away from each other's touch this time; we let the charge take its course, fading from the initial blast to a slow trickle. She was so soft. I could feel the blood pumping through her skin. That's when I realized how foreign my hand must feel to her. Cold and hard.

I dawned on her then too. "God, Edward, your hands are so cold. You could have turned the heat up."

"Uh, you know, funny thing." I had to lie again and hated it. "I have like a metabolic thing…really low body temperature…I don't even notice it most of the time." That last part was true.

"Huh," said and shrugged her shoulders. I realized I was still holding her hand. I immediately let it drop, and she filled the awkward silence the action created. "So, yeah, I'm not a very good hiker, I'll probably trip a lot and look like a total idiot."

"Bella, in a million years you could never look like an idiot." _Why did you say that, Edward!?_ Because it was true. I'd seen her tripping and stumbling all day; it was endearing, not idiotic.

She rolled her eyes to indicate she doubted that fact, but her face gave away her reception of my flattery as she blushed. I had to look away from the enticing pink hue creeping over her cheeks. "Just wait," she said. "You'll see."

We started walking…a little slower than I would have liked. _We'll never get to the meadow before dark!_

The first two times she stumbled I just smiled, sighed and helped her up. The third time got me worried. She plummeted forward, tripping on a knotty root sticking out of the ground and bracing her fall with her hands. I examined her palms; they had been scrapped on the rocky patch of dirt where she landed…nearly drawing blood. That would be the worst thing that could happen. It was hard enough to watch the embarrassment color her face red; seeing blood pour from her body would be…disastrous.

I helped her up and stared down at her hands to avoid looking at her face. "I told you, Edward, idiot," she said pointing to herself.

"You're not either…but I'm a little worried about getting back before dark. We still have a couple miles to go."

"Miles? Are you serious?"

"A couple, yeah," I said, pulling my lip down to one side and raising my eyebrows—trying to contort my face into any apology. I'd never hiked with a human before, and judging by her expression, I had definitely not taken her limitations into consideration. She tried to hide her scowl as she turned and started walking up the trail. It pained me to see that look on her face. All I could think was: _make it go away_.

"I have an idea…if you're willing. Wanna ride piggyback?" _Please say yes. Please say yes._

"You can't be serious, Edward! I weigh over a hundred pounds…I won't say how much more, but yeah, more!"

"Bella, I promise you, I can walk faster with you on my back than I can with you at my side."

She looked at me, her face incredulous.

"Here," I said, "climb on and I'll prove it." I turned my back to her. At least with her on my back I wouldn't be able to see her face.

I heard her sigh and place her arms around my neck. I gripped her thighs and pulled them up around my hips, causing her body to press securely against my own. I felt her tighten her legs around me and we were fully entangled. This would be harder than I thought. Having her body next to mine was like having the electric feeling of her hand in mine multiplied by a thousand. I knew if I kept thinking like that, Alice would show up and everything would be ruined. I started running down Yankees starting line-ups from 1923 to the present…_stupid fucking A-Rod_. I wasn't exactly sure what it was about baseball that made it the biggest turn-off ever, but it worked and I was able to make a firm decision not to do anything reckless.

"Here we go," I said bending over to pick up the picnic basket. I started walking and subtly quickened my pace.

I thought more about baseball to keep my mind off of Bella's body pressed against my back. I could feel the two round pressure points in between my shoulder blades. Bella's breasts. The spot just above my tailbone was impossibly warm, and I couldn't let myself think about what was causing that sensation. _Guys scratching, spiting, smacking each other on the ass_, I thought, as I fast forwarded through every baseball game I'd ever seen. _Maybe _that's_ why baseball is such a turn-off. _

I had increased my pace to a gentle jog, about five minutes had passed and we were just a little more than a mile away from the meadow. It still felt painstakingly slow to me.

"You were right, you are fast…and a lot stronger than you look!" Bella exclaimed.

"Gee, thanks, glad to know I look like a wimp!" I teased her.

"It's not that, it's just that…like, you're not even breaking a sweat…you're not even slightly out of breath! I'd be panting like a dog jogging at this pace."

"I can go _faster_, you know," once again my voice oozed with seduction without even trying, making my allusion overly obvious.

"Nuh-uh," she challenged.

It may have been stupid, completely reckless but I allowed my stride to break into a run. Not a super-human pace, but certainly faster than someone of my stature should be able to run while carrying someone.

"What…do you think?" I asked, trying to inject a little bit of false fatigue into my words.

"Impressive. Amazing, really."

She was stunned and I was beaming with pride. I wished I could show her how fast I really was. I wanted nothing more than to impress her.

"Are we almost there? I'm starting to feel a little…motion sickness, I think," she asked.

"Yeah, it's just around this bend. Do you want to get down and walk the rest of the way?" I added a few pants here and there to make her think I was getting tired.

"No, I'll just close my eyes," she said quietly as she tightened grip on me, and I got the feeling that she wanted to hold me longer. It was a silly, selfish conclusion to jump to…but I relished it nonetheless.

When we entered the meadow, I heard her gasp. She had opened her eyes to my favorite place in all of Clallam County. Even on a cloudy day like today, it was beautiful. Spring was coming and blooms were beginning to peak out everywhere.

"It's so quiet," she said barely above a whisper. Reverent.

"That's why I love it too…I can really think here, away from the noise."

I released the gentle grip of my left hand from underneath her knee and she hopped down. "Thanks for the ride," she said with a wink.

I laughed and walked deeper into the meadow, opening the basket and removing the blanket. As I spread it over the grass, she looked down at her watch. "Wow, it's only half past four, you _are_ fast."

"Wait till it's time to go downhill," I said with a sly smile.

She chuckled and took a seat on the cloth as I unloaded the food. She looked with wide eyes at the spread, "Yum," she said, "I'm starving!"

"Good, there's plenty." _Twice as much as necessary_.

"Oh, here's one. What's your favorite food, Edward?"

_Shit._ "Uh, you know, lately I've been on this wild game kick."

"You mean like deer and elk and stuff?"

"Yeah, like that. How 'bout you?" I asked, hoping to move on quickly from this subject.

"Well, right now, it's definitely peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, nothing's ever looked so delicious to me."

I stared deep into her big brown eyes. "I know exactly how you feel."

* * *

**A/N: Thanks so much for reading! The bite is coming, I promise, but feel free to throw tomatoes at me in your reviews for all this fluffy bonding! **

* * *


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer.**

Chapter 4: Fate Decided

**BPOV  
**

Was he talking about the sandwiches or me? His eyes seemed to be filled with something I couldn't quite pinpoint. I had a hopeful suspicion that it was attraction…lust even. Really, I would have thought that I wouldn't be able to recognize it when I saw it so I went back to my only frame of reference, _Meet Joe Black_. I compared Edward's expression to the look on Brad Pitt's face when he makes his first move on Susan.

Yeah, there was something there. I tried to muster up that same boldness I had pulled off in the car. I wanted to say, "You're more than welcome to have a taste," but I couldn't do it. Somehow it was easier then. Maybe it was the thrill of the speed; it made me feel stronger. Maybe it was sitting next to him instead of across from him; it made me feel safer. Maybe it was just that the air between us got thicker every moment we spent together; it made me feel things I shouldn't feel. Not on a first date. Not after one day.

"What?" he finally asked after my long, examining silence.

"Oh, Edward, I was just thinking that I am absolutely, positively falling in love with you against all common sense!" No, of course, I didn't say that.

I said, "Oh, nothing, I was just wondering about this place. How did you find it?"

_Good cover, Bella, nicely done, _I thought to myself.

He explained that he stumbled upon this meadow once when he and his brothers went hunting. Sometimes even his parents and sisters went hunting with them. I found it hard to imagine his sisters—especially the beautiful, über -feminine Rosalie—wearing camouflage, stalking around the woods with rifles. _I knew there would still be nothing better to do in this stupid town!_ I thought back to the many summers I'd been stuck at La Push as a child, bored out of my mind, while Charlie fished. Hunting was probably the same way; however, with Edward, I could think of a few things to keep me occupied in a tree-stand for hours on end.

We went on talking while I scarffed my sandwich and chips, washing them down with a Coke. Edward seemed to be just picking at his sandwich, not really eating much. I thought it was kind of sweet, making a picnic for me when he wasn't even hungry, so I didn't say anything.

We talked for at least an hour about likes and dislikes, dreams and reality, school and home. He told me all about his adopted siblings.

"Yes, they are together together," he said copying the words Jessica had used at lunch to describe the Cullens. "Emmett was adopted first. Then Rosalie and Jasper…they are actually brother and sister…twins. I was adopted next and finally Alice. They just kind of…fell in love with each other," he said shrugging his shoulders.

I tried to hide my expression, which was filled with that same mix of disgust and envy I had felt earlier at lunch.

"It's weird, I know." He said cautiously.

"No, I mean, it's not like you're some kind of inbreeding freaks," I said and he laughed. I really liked his laugh. It was deep and husky in sound but light and airy in feel, like when he laughed he really felt some freedom, some healing. I continued, "How did your parents handle it, I mean, Carlisle and…"

"Esme?" I nodded. _Don't forget his mom's name again, Bella! _

"Umm, well they've kind of…come to accept it, I guess. Carlisle would be pissed though, if he knew how touchy-feely Rosalie and Emmett are at school sometimes."

"Don't worry I'm not judging your family!" I defended myself.

He went on to explain that Esme couldn't have children of her own after a child she had with a previous husband had died. She had a lot of "maternal issues," he said and that probably had a lot to do with why she was so lenient with her adopted children.

I could tell the subject made him nervous so I moved on, "So you've traveled a lot. Where have you been?"

"A little bit of everywhere really. I've been to Europe—England, Ireland, France. Though I have to say, Italy is one of my all time favorite places to visit."

"Oh, my God! I want to go to Italy so badly!" I was a little resentful of Edward's rich family. To be seventeen and to have seen so much in such a short time, it didn't seem fair. "What's it like?"

"Very rich, full of history. The architecture is so beautiful there, it's really like being transported to a previous time. Where else do you want to go?"

"Well, I've never been anywhere really. I think the farthest east I've ever been is…Albuquerque? I'd love to visit Spain, heck, even Canada or Mexico!"

"Mexico is fun. A really varied country. Some places are pristine sand and glass waters and then there are raw cities, very earthy but industrial. A lot of contrasts. So, what's in Albuquerque?"

I worked to swallow a particularly sticky bite of peanut butter before I responded, "That's where my Gran lived. We used to visit a lot when I was younger but she's passed on now."

"What was that like?" he asked, and I figured it had been so long since he lost his parents, he probably hadn't had any recent experiences with death.

"Weird, really. My mom wouldn't let me go in to the funeral because it was an open casket. She said it was better that I didn't see her that way…that I remember her the way I always had, vibrant and alive."

"Beautiful, Bella. Your mother is very wise. I wish I could remember my parents like that," he seemed to be getting choked up—no tears in his eyes, but emotion strangling his voice—so I nodded my head, encouraging him to continue. "The strongest memories I have of my parents are those last days in the hospital. They were so weak and sick and…they knew, they knew they were going to die. Every moment with them was another goodbye. My father went first, then my mom. Carlisle later told me that my mother had personally asked him to take care of me. To save me and watch over me."

**EPOV  
**

I really hated lying to her. I wished I could tell her the whole truth. Not only to be honest with her, but to allow her to carry some of my burden. It would be so wonderful to share everything with someone…especially someone who could keep her thoughts to herself.

I didn't want to scare her off either. One mention of the word "vampire," and she's surely go running. Other than the lies of omission and half-truths, everything was going great. It felt so…normal. It was just like I had hoped, and I started feeling like it was too good to be true. If I could sleep, if I could dream at all, I would have pinched myself there in the meadow, wondering if this perfect day was a dream.

She hadn't even noticed that I never actually ate anything. If she had noticed, she hadn't said anything about it. And despite the number of lies I had told, I'd had told more even truths. We spoke so openly with each other and at times she would say something that I understood so completely that I'd get a flash of that electric feeling without even touching her.

We got up and walked through the meadow while we talked. She would bend down occasionally and pick a wildflower and I couldn't help but notice the curves of her body as she bent and straightened over and over. I stopped myself before that line of thinking got out of hand. _I don't need you, Alice_, I thought to myself and hoped that it would translate into an uneventful vision for her.

"I wonder," I said, "what's your middle name?"

"Marie," she responded with a smile.

"Isabella Marie Swan," I repeated her name aloud, "beautiful."

She blushed slightly and I looked away. "You?" she said.

"Anthony."

"I like it," she said, "maybe I'll call you Tony?"

"Umm…how 'bout no." I said flatly.

She giggled and continued, "Were you named for your father, Tony?"

That was really annoying, but in a good way. Like in a 'I wanted to grab her and tickle her until she promised never to call me that again' kind of way. That kind of physical contact would be too much…too soon, so I reigned myself in.

"Yes, you brat, his name was Edward too." We both laughed for exactly the same amount of time. That should be weird, right? That slight pause that comes after two people say or do the exact same thing at the exact same time. Somehow, it just wasn't.

Bella went on asking me about my parents. What were they like? What did they do? No one ever asked me questions like that. Aside from my close knit family, I had no one in my life that would even know about poor Edward and Elizabeth Masen. It felt good to talk about them so openly, it freshened my memories of them…like dusting off an old picture found in the bottom of a box you'd forgotten about.

"Tell me more about your mother," I pressed as we walked. "You miss her."

"Yeah, I've only been away from her for a few days but it feels like a lifetime."

"What's she like?" I wanted to know more about a woman who could possibly create such a beautiful creature. Actually, I wanted to call her up and thank her. Send her flowers or maybe a new car. What a gift this woman had given me!

"Well, she's kinda flighty. Not always the most responsible one in a crowd. I swear, half the time I feel like I'm the parent and she's the wild teenager! I'm always having to reel her in from doing something crazy like skydiving or joining some kind of cult religion." She laughed and I joined her.

Her eyes sparkled at the sound of my laugh, and I decided I had never enjoyed laughing so much in my life. It felt good to do it, but it felt even better to have it so gratefully received.

"What else do you miss about Phoenix, aside from your mom and the sun? Did you have a lot of friends there?"

"A few good ones, but I'm really a keep to myself kind of person," she said with a shrug.

"Me too," I replied, feeling that same surge of kindredness.

"Yeah, I noticed at school today. I thought you'd never say hi to me."

"Sorry about that…" I trailed off thinking _I was trying not to kill you._ But I went with something a little more human, "…I'm kind of…shy around new people."

"I don't like being the 'new girl,'" she said, "all that attention really freaks me out."

"Yeah, everyone at school was pretty taken with you. The guys especially…" she blushed furiously, and I looked away focusing on the grass beneath my feet.

"It's weird, in Phoenix I was kind of invisible, you know? I mean, pale girls in a sunny city aren't really the norm."

"I think tans are overrated…you know, skin cancer and all that. Very dangerous." She chuckled again as I tried to get to the point in all this questioning. "So…" I hedged, "you didn't have a…boyfriend back in Phoenix?"

"Me?" she asked incredulously, "Noooo," she laughed as if the very idea was ludicrous. _I beg to differ_. "How 'bout you, are you…seeing anyone?"

"Nah, Jessica Stanley's not really my type." I smiled wryly.

"Yeah, I got the feeling today that she has already approached that subject with you. But don't worry, I'm pretty sure she's moved on to Mike Newton."

"Jessica and Mike. A match made in heaven."

We both laughed and Bella encouraged me, "So, what _is_ your type?"

_I think you're AB-positive_, I thought to myself. I couldn't be sure but her scent seemed to imply it. "Uhh, I don't really know," answering honestly now, "brunette, brown eyes, light skin…terribly clumsy."

She blushed again and I laughed at myself. What was I saying, putting myself out there like that? "How about you, what's your type?"

"Well, I guess I'm kinda like you, just sort of figuring it out still…uhh…bronze hair, pale skin, unassumingly fast and strong." She looked up at me coyly from beneath her eyelashes.

"There you go making fun of my wimpy physique again!" I joked.

I was pretty sure we were flirting. I was surprised at how easily it came for two misfits like us.

We found a dry spot in the grass and Bella sat down and then leaned back. As I lay down beside her I remembered this exact scene from one of Alice's visions in the car after school. Harmless. Harmless and perfect.

The wide smile crossed her face and the vision was complete.

**BPOV**

As we lay in the grass, our laughter faded and the day grew silent. We just smiled, staring into each other's eyes and I wished I was a braver person. I turned my body in, raising up on my side and leaning on my forearm so I could look down at his beautiful face. I stared deep into his eyes, attempting to will him to kiss me. I wanted him to attack me, to pull me down hard on top of him and shove his tongue into my mouth. He didn't. I didn't. We just lay there in silence.

Somebody had to say something eventually and I was glad it was him. He spoke slowly, with conviction. "Bella, I…I think this will sound really…cheesy, but…I'm pretty sure that this has been…the best day of my life."

I took in a sharp breath. Stunned. _He feels the same way_. And suddenly, I was having some sort of out of body experience. My heart raced. My hands shook. My inhibitions went out the window.

I raised my trembling hand to his face, placing my palm on his cheek and rubbing my thumb along his closed lips. My finger tips barely touched his eyes and as they fluttered closed I felt his eyelashes brush my skin.

**EPOV**

"Bella," I spoke, "I can't do this." As the words slipped from my mouth my lips parted and I tasted the saltiness of her skin. It was heaven and it was hell all at the same time. I sucked her thumb into my mouth, careful to keep it clear of my teeth, and immersed myself in the flavor of a west coast sunrise. She leaned her face down to meet mine, removing her thumb and replacing it with her lips.

Electricity flowed from her mouth to mine. I tasted her sweet breath, like a sea breeze with the hint of cotton candy wafting from the boardwalk. My hand flew to her hip and I pulled her down on top of me. I felt her fragile hipbone in my palm; I could break it with one quick movement. That thought alone was enough to stop me—to push her off of me just as quickly as I had pulled her down. Then she moaned. She moaned my name. _My_ name. The sound of it…"Edward"…soaked with desire and need, said as it had never been said before, broke my last defenses, and I couldn't let her go.

She began kissing me forcefully. Her total weight bearing down on me was nothing, but the lust radiating from her body hit me with the force of a high speed train. I returned her intensity, thrusting my tongue in between her parted lips. I answered her moans with whimpers. Trapped underneath the moving train, each brush of her body against mine was like another boxcar pummeling my body, leaving my head spinning. My mind raced with the unfamiliar sensations exciting my body, imaging all the things I wanted to do to her. My hand glided from her hip up to her breast, but in my head I was already rounding third base.

_Stay in the moment_, I ordered myself, _don't get carried away_. But it was too late. She moved her hand from my cheek, running it down my chest, lightly grazing my nipple along the way. I groaned at the pleasure her light touch filled me with. Her hand kept moving, slowly, deliberately…until it rested on the hard mass beneath my jeans.

She began rubbing my erect penis with the palm of her hand. "Harder," I moaned, surprising myself. _Did that come from me?_ She responded to me—or to the animal inside me—pressing down ruthlessly on me and stroking faster. As I licked the inside of her mouth, I tasted her saliva and thought of tasting other things. Her wet center. Her blood.

Before I could change my mind, I had rolled on top of her. I was pressing my hard dick into her open palm. I was being too rough, and I knew it, but I couldn't stop. She didn't want me to. Maybe if she protested. Maybe if her eyes and mouth and moans didn't invite me in. Maybe if her body would stop begging me.

The animal inside of me took over as I replayed the fantasies in my mind. Licking her warm, wet vagina. Sinking my teeth into her soft, delicate neck.

I jerked my head up from her lips, pressing my palms into the grass on either side of her, attempting to force my body off of hers. My eyes locked with hers as I tried to drag myself—the animal, the monster—away.

"Don't stop, Edward," she pleaded in the sultriest voice I'd ever heard. "Do it, Edward."

I did it. I'm not sure that was what she meant, but I did _it_.

I lunged for her neck.

As I felt her warm, thick blood rush into my mouth I hardly had time to enjoy its glorious flavor before an image appeared in my mind.

The image was of an ethereal Adam and Eve, naked and free, in the Garden of Eden. Only, in this picture I was Adam. And this helpless girl whose blood was filling my senses was Eve. Taller, more slender, flawless except for a small crescent shape scar just at the base of her neck. My crescent shape. She turned to me, fruit in her hand and offered it with an encouraging smile. That was when I saw her face. Her eyes were no longer brown…they were golden honey.

The look on my own face was almost as shocking. Peaceful. Happy. Blissful. In over 90 years that look had never been on my face.

The revelation caused me to immediately withdraw my teeth from her throat.

I stared down at her writhing frame. Blood was dripping from her open wound. Suddenly her blood—the strongest blood I had ever smelled, the most satisfying blood I had ever tasted—had no draw for me. Fate had chosen; all other futures were lost. There was no going back and there was no finishing her off. Bella Swan would be a vampire in three day's time.

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**A/N: Ahh, the bite. Finally, right? I'd love to know if ya'll thought it was a sexy as my husband did! How the heck is Bella going to feel about this since she had zero knowledge of vampires? Leave me a little review to let me know what you're thinking. **

**A huge thanks to icefang7, Frogsgirl21, yankeerose, TriGemini, and my love EdwardsBloodType, who keep coming back chapter after chapter and to all my new readers and reviewers! Looks like I've also got Malmo722 on board, the author of the glorious Star Mile, who rocks so hard she actually started a thread for this story on Twilighted. *blushing harder than Bella* I'll put the link on my profile! Thanks for reading, guys!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: **_**Twilight**_** belongs to Stephanie Meyer.**

Chapter 5: Damage Controlled

**EPOV**

I had never believed love at first sight, though I was surrounded by it.

Carlisle had experienced it with Esme, long before she ever became a vampire. He treated her at hospital in Ohio, in 1911, years prior to my own transformation. She was just a teenager then, only sixteen. Years later he came across her in a hospital in Ashland, completely broken but with her heart still faintly beating. "The spark was still there," he had said. He changed her and they'd been together ever since.

Rosalie had experienced it with Emmett. She had found his bear-ravaged body in the mountains of Tennessee where we were vacationing. She carried him all the way back to Carlisle where he was transformed and bound to her for life. He had thought Rosalie was an angel. _Ha!_ Even when he found out she was pretty much the exact opposite, he loved her beyond explanation.

Hell, Alice had experienced it with Jasper even before she even met him in person..._well, in vampire_. She saw him in a vision, searching for something, and she knew when he found her, he would realize it was Alice he had been pursuing all along. She waited for him, and he finally found her in 1948. And that was just it for them, Jasper realized what Alice had already known, they were made for each other.

Love at first sight was kind of a big thing with vampires, but as it had always eluded me, I had decided it wasn't possible. I can't say how many times I'd looked into the eyes of a woman, vampires and dying strangers alike, willing myself to feel _that spark_ that Carlisle had described. I had never felt it…until now. _That spark_ was the electric shock I had felt today with Bella.

Bella. She was screaming, crying out for help and cursing at the pain. Her hand raised to her neck where the blood was beginning to clot thanks to the venom. She touched two finger tips to the wound and brought her hand to her face, examining. At the sight of the red smudges coating her fingers, she let out one last bone-chilling scream and fainted.

In my time as a vampire, I had seen many conversions. In fact, I had been quite involved in those of Esme, Rosalie and Emmett. In all my immortal life, I had never seen anyone faint in the middle of a transformation.

_I have to get her to Carlisle_. It was all I could manage to think. Planning needed to be done. Bella's disappearance would have to be managed. Life as we all knew it was about to change. I couldn't consider any of that at the time. I had one mission: to keep Bella alive…for eternity. I picked up her gingerly; she wasn't unbreakable yet. As I turned, I saw Rosalie and Alice entering the meadow. The latter was prattling on her cell phone as they approached me.

"A vampire who faints at the sight of blood. This ought to be interesting," Rosalie said, rolling her eyes.

"How long have you two been here? I didn't even hear your thoughts…I've been kind of…busy." I nodded down at the limp body in my arms.

Alice slammed her flip phone closed, and I could barely make sense of her hurried ramblings as she spoke. "We came as quickly as we could. It happened so fast. You made the decision in a split second…Edward, don't you think you're getting a little ahead of yourself here?"

"What do you mean, Alice?" I said as I started toward the house swiftly, Alice and Rosalie following behind me.

"I'm having visions of the two of you getting married, honeymooning…yuck by the way, I've never seen you engaging in that kind of activity…"

I cut her off, the visions she was talking about were replaying in my head and I could feel my body reacting to the images of Bella and I making love. "The point, Alice?"

"The point is you've clearly decided this girl is going to be your mate…you don't even know if she _likes_ you let alone if she wants to spend _the rest of eternity_ with you!"

I hadn't thought about that. With Esme, with Emmett…it was just understood. When they completed their transformations they seemed to be…tied to their love. Soul mates.

Now I thought back to when Rosalie was changed. Carlisle was so sure she would be a perfect match for me. It turned out those feelings just weren't there…for either of us. But this had to be different…it was _that spark_!

I stopped abruptly and turned to Alice. "Tell me Alice, will she love me?"

She peered into my eyes, her face full of compassion. _I can't see anything from her yet, Edward. She's so confused._ She spoke aloud, "How did you stop, Edward?"

"I…I don't know." The three of us started running again. "Her blood...it revealed something to me. I saw us together, happy and beautiful, with matching honey colored eyes. All of the sudden the taste of her blood disgusted me. I just knew…she's the one."

I finally understood how Rosalie had managed to carry Emmett's bear-ravaged body home to Carlisle. I always thought it was just because she didn't want to ruin her perfect vegetarian record; perhaps that's not it at all.

Maybe when we come across a human that is fated to be our mate for eternity, the appeal of their blood lessens? Disappears, apparently in my case. I knew Carlisle would be fascinated to hear my theory and offer any insight from his transformation of Esme. Carlisle's control was already unparalleled in the vampire community, due to hundreds of years of practice and his gift of compassion.

Rosalie started barking, bitchy as always. "We've already got damage control in the works, thanks for the advance notice, by the way."

"Yeah, Rosalie, vampires who move as fast as the speed of sound need a lot of time to cover their tracks." She wasn't going to make this easy on me but at least Bella would have someone who she could relate to.

Rosalie didn't want to be a vampire. Even as much as she loved Emmett now, she would still have rather died on that dark street than live for all eternity wishing she was human. She thought over that now, in her mind she replayed the painful memories of coming around from her days of burning. The power of the thirst in those first few years. The life and death she would never have.

I cringed as every image she thought of brought on more guilt for what I had set in motion. I was about to put the woman I loved through hell.

_How could you be so selfish, Edward?_ Rosalie thought.

"I was just wondering that same thing myself, Rose. I honestly don't know."

Alice chimed in, "Rose, you chose immortality for Emmett the same way Carlisle chose it for you."

"Yes, Alice, but were dying. Carlisle cannot possibly approve of him changing someone who had another choice."

"I'll deal with Carlisle. I will make him understand. What's the plan?" I responded. I was grateful to have Alice on my side, as always, and surprisingly, glad to have Rosalie's cooperation. I couldn't do this without them.

Alice ran down the details as we approached the house. Bella still hadn't come to, and I was getting worried. This was not normal. "Jazz is over at Chief Swan's placing some fabricated evidence. I sent him with a note I wrote…" she continued in her thoughts, _the handwriting is such a perfect match that even an expert wouldn't think twice!_

Arrogant little pixie.

"…saying she'd gone for a walk in the woods and would be back in time to make dinner."

Rosalie finished, "Carlisle is already home and should be set up. He needs to draw some blood quickly so we can use it to create the scene. I'll put these clothes she's wearing on and meet up with Emmett. He's chasing a bear into the woods east of her house."

A bear attack. No body left behind, just scraps of bloody clothing.

"Will it work, Alice?"

"Yes, they'll put out a search party. They won't come across the scene until after daybreak."

"And will there be any suspicion toward the family?"

_Fine time to start considering the rest of us_, Rosalie brooded inside.

Alice answered, "Nothing that I can see, I get the feeling no one saw you picking her up at her house earlier?"

"No there were very few thoughts around, none of them even noticed."

"Edward, it will be important for us all to go to school tomorrow and act surprised like everyone else…"

"Alice, if you think I'm going to leave her…"

"You'll have to, Edward. Unless you want to blow our cover!" Rosalie fumed.

Carlisle was outside on the porch as we approached the house. "We'll have plenty of time to discuss all of the particulars," he said reproachfully to Rosalie, "right now, I need to examine our newest family member." He smiled at me holding Bella's limp form.

_How can he possibly be taking this so coolly? _

I heard his thoughts. _Yes, you have some explaining to do. But this much is clear…you couldn't have been able to stop if she wasn't special. Her name is Bella?_

I nodded. "Bella. Isabella Swan."

"Bring her in, Edward. Esme is readying a bed in the study."

I whisked her inside and up the stairs. "She's unconscious, Carlisle. That's not normal."

"Was it from the pain, you think, that she passed out?" Carlisle asked.

"No, the sight of her own blood," I said as I placed her gently on the bed. Carlisle immediately began checking her vitals.

_Interesting, _Carlisle thought.

"That's exactly what Rose thought too…have you ever met a vampire who had had an aversion to blood as a human?"

"No, but I can only imagine how much more difficult it will be for her to adjust when she's fully transformed." Carlisle opened each of her eyelids, took her pulse several times, listened to her heartbeat, and examined the site of her bite. All of this was taking much more time that I felt necessary for a vampire doctor with hundreds of years of experience under his belt. I was waiting for the verdict. _Did I mess this up? Will she be okay?_

As if Carlisle could read my mind, he answered my unspoken questions. "You did a good job with her. It seems she's got plenty of venom coursing through her. Of course, she certainly didn't require as much as say, Esme did, since there were no injuries to heal." He continued in his mind as he reached for a syringe. Carlisle's thoughts interrupted the unsettling silence created by Bella's unconsciousness. _I'm surprised at you, Edward. Not disappointed, just surprised. _

"I don't know how it happened, Carlisle. I just wanted to talk to her, to get to know her. I couldn't hear her thoughts and her blood…it was so sweet, so strong." I felt appalled just talking about her blood. Remembering that even a small amount of it was now flowing through my body made me sick.

"But you can ask Alice, I didn't take her there with the intention to kill her or to change her." I watched as Carlisle drew vial after vial of Bella's blood from her body. No human would be able to detect the trace amounts of venom that mingled among her cells and platelets. "She kissed me, Carlisle, and it was like…like nothing I've ever experienced. It sent my senses into a frenzy, and before I knew it, her blood…her blood was rushing into my mouth…"

At that moment, Bella's eyes shot open like she'd been stabbed through the heart with a white hot sword. And I knew from experience, that was basically what it felt like. She began screaming and writhing in pain. She grabbed Carlisle's arm as he pulled the syringe from the inside of her elbow.

"What…are…you doing…to…to…me?" She struggled to get the words out through the pain.

_Edward?_ Carlisle thought.

"Bella. Bella," I spoke. She searched with her eyes but couldn't find me. Her screams never ceased. "Bella!" I shouted, trying to break through the torture to get to her.

"Edward." She groaned my name over and over between screams as her face finally settled on mine. Tears began running down her flushed cheeks. Her body shook violently against the bed, flinging the huge saline drops falling from her eyes onto the pillow beneath her head. Through her screams I could hear each one splash against the soft down cushion. "What…what…did…you do to me?"

Her pain was overpowering. Her confusion and sorrow all-consuming. I started sobbing, wishing I could cry tears—a physical representation of my sadness—to show her my empathy…to show her my remorse. "I'm sorry, Bella, I'm so sor…ry." I just said it over and over again, choking over each syllable. Despite the sincerity in my voice, my words did nothing to comfort her. Nothing to ease her pain. Nothing to abate her confusion.

Carlisle placed the vials of blood in a knapsack as Rosalie and Alice came in carrying a dressing gown. All of them were doing their best to ignore Bella's horrid, unending shrieking; pretending none of this was as bad as it truly was.

Well, maybe not Rose; the chaos only added to her impatience. "We need to get her out of those clothes so I can meet up with Emmett." _We have a death to fake here, Edward._

Carlisle helped me out of the room and into the hall as Alice closed the door and Rosalie started undressing Bella.

_I know what you're going through, son. I've felt it many times. Every time I changed one of you._

"But that was so different Carlisle, we were dying. We had no other options. I took her life. I took…her soul."

Carlisle held me while I sobbed. A few feet away from me, behind a closed door, the woman I loved—the woman I barely even knew—was going through hell. A hell I inflicted upon her.

* * *

**A/N: Ahhh, you were expecting to hear from Bella? I'm so cruel! It's up next, I promise. I'm so beyond ecstatic that you're reading my story! :) Drop me a little note to let me know you're still with me, ok? And thanks to EdwardsBloodType who's always there to answer all my questions about writing/posting fanfic and the meaning of life. "I'll Be Your Lover Too" is clinically proven to jump start your sex drive, ladies, check it out!**

* * *


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: _Twilight _belongs to Stephanie Meyer.**

Chapter 6: Pain Unbearable

**BPOV **

The pain was unbearable. _Needles? No, worse._ My body writhed in agony. _Knives? No, worse._ The sound of my own involuntary screams muddied my thoughts. _Fire. Being burned alive._

I tried to remember how I got here. The meadow. The cold lips pressed against mine. The desire overtaking my mind and body. Then the searing pain. The deep red blood on my fingertips. The smell of salt and rust. Then nothing. I woke up in an unfamiliar place, in unspeakable pain.

A beautiful, angelic man was drawing my blood. Was I in a hospital? I saw the blood leaving my body, but I couldn't feel the needle in my arm. All I could feel was the burning pain in my chest. I asked him what he was doing to me and he just looked at me, compassion in his eyes. I thought maybe he was helping me. Maybe he would stop the pain soon.

But then I heard a voice. The voice of my…attacker. Edward was here, in this room. I searched for his face as he said my name over and over. I couldn't follow the words to find their source for the awful wailing coming from my own mouth. Finally I saw his face and I knew—if he was here, then nothing good could come of this. The pain wouldn't stop, the torture would continue.

I started crying at the hopelessness. I groaned his name like it was a curse word. He was a monster. "What…what…did…you do to me?"

"I'm sorry, Bella, I'm so sor…ry." He sobbed but there were no tears. _How dare he sit here and mock my pain with his phony remorse? _I wanted him away from me. I screamed and groaned, hoping to push him away. It worked, much to my surprise. The monster and the angel left. I felt relief as I watched him walk away though the pain only intensified.

Two women approached me, one on either side of the bed. I knew them. I had seen them today at school. _Was that just today?_ It seemed like a lifetime ago. Each minute in this pain felt like an hour.

The short pixie-like girl spoke in a soothing voice. I wished I could stop screaming long enough to understand her. She spoke again, even more slowly and I concentrated on the movement of her lips to figure out her words.

"Bella, I'm Alice, remember me? This is Rosalie," she said pointing to the beautiful blonde on the other side of me. "We're going to help you, please don't be afraid."

I didn't really have any choice but to trust them. I couldn't run away…I couldn't even get up out of the bed. The pain was paralyzing. The only movement I made was unintentional. I jerked and writhed and couldn't control it. Through my screams I managed to squeak out two letters "O…K…"

They began undressing me and I panicked. This torture was about to get worse? It was like I was trapped in some sort of horrible, violent porn…and I was the victim—the star.

The blonde sensed the terror in my eyes. "Don't worry, Bella," she spoke slowly, with a smile that seemed very forced, "we're just putting clean clothes on you."

_Thank God,_ I thought to myself. And then I wondered…where was God in all this? I'd never been really religious or even "spiritual," but I'd always believed. I had always thanked Him for the good things in my life and tried not to blame Him for the bad. I had prayed. I had given of myself. I had accepted my lot in life graciously. I had always tried to do what was right…and this was my reward? _Kill me now, God. Please._

But I didn't die. I did notice the pain was slightly abated when their cold hands touched my skin. The cold was a sensation I could recognize. I could separate it from the burning pain and I tried to concentrate on it. I wondered vaguely if all of the Cullens had the same metabolic disorder that made their skin so cold. Then I realized that was a lie. What else did Edward lie about?

"All done," Alice said as she handed my sneakers to Rosalie. Rosalie was changing clothes too. Putting my clothes on. I wanted to ask why, but I couldn't manage a sentence like that.

I heard Rosalie mutter something about the rancid smell of my piss as she slid my jeans on. I tried to feel embarrassed that I had apparently peed my pants. I couldn't feel anything but pain. The pain was worsened without their cold skin touching me.

"Cold…" I managed to yelp out between screams. "Need…cold."

"Edward," Alice called out, "Bella needs you."

"No! No!" I shouted. He entered the room, his face full of that same mocking sadness. "No!" I continued yelling, unable to push the monster away.

**EPOV**

She hated me. She knew—I did this to her and she hated me for it.

"I think that she likes our cold touch, Edward. She can feel it," Alice told me.

Bella's screams continued to torture me. "I can't touch her Alice, she's afraid of me!"

"Just do it, Edward, she'll get used to you."

Jasper entered the room as I took Alice's place at Bella's bedside. He shook his head at Bella's writhing frame. His comfort could work on a human…it could work on a vampire. It couldn't work on someone who was in between. "I just picked up the Volvo," he said, and I nodded a thanks in his direction. "Rosalie, I'd go with you, uh, but with the blood and all, and being so close to town…"

Alice stepped in. "It's no problem, Jazz. Emmett and Rose can handle a little black bear, I need you here with me. You have to help relax me so I can search for her future." She hated for Jasper to feel inferior to the rest of us because he couldn't control himself as well around human blood.

_Well, don't feel bad, Jasper_, I thought to myself_, I just committed the biggest fail in vampire history._ I smiled in spite of myself. Bella had used that word—"fail"—earlier today in Biology. It was slang, apparently, and I had vowed to use it at lease once myself before the day was up.

I think Bella noticed my smile. This was how I knew. She lifted her head from the pillow. Not an easy task to accomplish in her condition. She lifted her head ever so slightly and spat in my face.

She hated me.

"Well, I'm gonna go now, that bear's probably getting pretty ornery," Rosalie said stifling a smirk and turning for the door.

Alice flitted to Bella's other side. "Bella, Edward wants to help you." _Put your hand on her arm, Edward. _

I shook my head. No.

Alice thought, _Do it, Edward_. _This isn't about you anymore._

And I knew it was true. She could spit at me all she wanted for the next three days…well, at least until her saliva lasted, which wouldn't be much longer. I had to do all I could for her. I would spend eternity making this up to her…whether she loved me or not.

I placed my hand gingerly on her wrist. She sighed a little at my touch, it was only a small break in her screams, but it was worth it. It wouldn't be long before she lost her voice from all her raw screaming; her silent screams would be even more painful for me.

I put my other hand on her cheek. She wasn't yelling "no" anymore, and I guessed that she had come to terms with the fact that she needed me.

_Jazz and I are going to go downstairs and wait. I'll be watching. I'll let you know if anything changes_, Alice thought.

She and Jasper left the room and Carlisle reentered with Esme on his arm. Esme approached the bed where Alice had been standing. She placed her own hand on Bella's forehead, and Bella's screams ceased for just another split second. When they returned, Esme gently stroked her forehead and tried to soothe her.

"That's right, Bella, let it out. I know it hurts, dear. Let it out."

**BPOV**

Who was this woman? And what did she know of my pain? They all seemed so empathetic…even Edward and this was all his fault. I let her comfort me, though it didn't help much. I had given up fighting already. How long had it been anyway? I just kept yelling. Sometimes it was just shouts of pain. Sometimes I could hear words coming from deep inside me. I was a much better at cursing than I had ever known. The screaming didn't make the pain go away. It didn't make the pain any less, in fact. Eventually, my screams died down and I would only cry out when I felt a particularly excruciating burst of fire.

The woman said her name was Esme. _His mother_, I finally put two and two together. Mother? I found myself again questioning everything Edward had ever told me. Something entirely fucked up was going on around here and I was completely out of the loop.

"I know it still hurts, Bella," she said running her hand and up and down my arm. I concentrated on the icy sensation of her hand and Edward's. "This is going to take awhile." I was amazed at how much easier it was to understand her when I wasn't screaming.

Edward said something to her that I couldn't quite make out and he removed his hands from my body. The pain immediately intensified and it continued to worsen as he made his way out of the room. I could physically feel his presence leaving me and I cried out for it to return.

"He'll be back, Bella," Esme said, placing her other hand on my face. It helped a little but not as much as when Edward reentered the room. It felt like a light moving toward me. _Feel? Light?_ I was experiencing such strange sensations.

He had brought some sort of ice pack apparently, and he lifted me up and put in underneath my back. I didn't help but I couldn't manage to tell him. When he finally placed his hands back on me, I felt that same relief I had before and I realized that was as good as it was going to get. "Ice…doesn't…help," I choked the words out. He removed the ice pack and handed it to Esme. She took it and left the room.

"How…long?" I shrieked at him.

"Up to three days, Bella." _Three days, huh? _Three days was 72 hours_. Sixty minutes in an hour. Twenty-four hours in a day._ I continued the trail of math in my head. _Four thousand, three hundred and twenty minutes_. It was easier to take the pain when I thought about math. I concentrated on other numbers, figuring the square root of Pi over and over in my head, naming off the prime numbers. I went through Algebra, Geometry, and Calculus. It felt like days had passed but I was sure it was only minutes.

"How…long…been?" I choked out.

"About four hours, Bella." I tried to put the time it felt like I had experienced into context with how long it had actually been. Four hours had felt like…a week at least. _Seventy-two hours divided by four hours_. Eighteen weeks left to burn.

What was all this pain for? I was so confused. I had to know. "Why…why…?" was all I could say.

Edward looked up, across the room at his father. They exchanged some sort of silent communication. Edward nodded and spoke.

"My family and I…we're not like other people." _Yeah, that much was obvious._

"We are…" he spoke the next word like it was dirty—like it was evil, "vampires, Bella. And when the pain stops, you'll be…a vampire too."

I was so shocked that I couldn't really process the information. Vampires? Like Transylvania? Like Anne Rice? Like Tom Cruise? Images flashed through my mind and it made sense. _He bit me_. Edward bit me.

"You…you…bit me?" I hissed my realization through the pain.

"Yes, Bella, I did. And I'm sorry for your pain."

_Sorry? _He was sorry? I was turning into a vampire and he was fucking sorry? I closed my eyes and tried to block him out. To ignore him. But his presence was a light on the other side of my eyelids. I could feel him there and resented the comfort his company and his cold touch provided me. I didn't want to need him.

I kept my eyes closed and tried to focus on anything but Edward…and vampires in general. After replaying the entire movie _Interview With The Vampire_ in my mind for the third time, I forced myself to think about something else. I'd already contemplated every mathematical theory and process once so I moved on to science. Chemistry. That one actually took awhile. I repeated the periodic table over and over until I got every single element in its place. Biology was next, I only had half a semester of it to mull over. I tried to decide what would be more distracting next…English or maybe History?

"It's been twelve hours, Bella." Edward broke through my first recollections of World History. I refused to open my eyes, to acknowledge him. Eight hours more down. Two more weeks passed. Fifteen weeks to go. I hoped he would continue the time checks periodically. _He might as well make himself useful._

That hope was in vain, I discovered, as Columbus was just about to discover America. _In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue_, I was thinking as I heard footsteps. Light footsteps. Somehow I knew it was Alice.

"Time for school, Edward," she chimed. _Definitely Alice_.

"Alice, we've been through this. I can't leave her." My eyes shot open and I wailed. I screamed at the thought of even worse pain setting in when he left.

"Don't! Don't…go!" I shrieked helplessly, surprised at myself.

**EPOV**

I counted every minute as it passed. Somehow, I knew these three days would be even longer than the three days of my own painful transformation. I whispered to her—too low for her to hear as I stroked her burning body endlessly with both hands. I told her that I was sorry. I told her that I loved her and that I prayed she would love me too. I told her about the beautiful life would could have together if she would just choose me.

When Alice came in and told me it was time for school I could feel her breath hitch under my hands. She wanted me here as badly as I needed to be here. She started screaming when it became clear that I would have to leave her.

"You have to go today, Edward. We all have to carry on like nothing's happened. At least through the morning. When they find the scene of the accident they'll call off school and send everyone home to mourn. Esme will stay here with her until we get back."

"How long will I have to stay?"

"A few hours max. They're about to call Carlisle to join the search party. Charlie is getting worried that they'll need a doctor when they find her…"

At the mention of Charlie's name Bella's screaming intensified.

"It's OK, Bella, Charlie will be fine."

"They…will know…about me?" She managed to ask through her bawling.

"They're going to think you were attacked by a bear, Bella. They're going to think you're…dead."

"Dead?" she cried. "Dead?" Over and over again she screamed the word.

"Come on, Edward, we have to go or we'll be late and that will be suspicious," Alice urged me.

"I have to go, Bella but I won't be gone long…four hours at the most, OK?"

"Four hours…" she choked, "one…one week."

I didn't know what she meant so I just smiled and stroked her forehead. Esme entered the room and I asked her to put her hands on Bella before I removed mine.

I was out the door, changed into clean clothes, and waiting for the rest of the family in the Volvo, keys in hand, in under thirty seconds. Eager to get this started—done and over with—so I could get back to Bella. I checked my eyes in the mirror. I had consumed so little of Bella's blood that there was barely any burgundy color ringing the circumference of my irises. If I had drained her my eyes would be fully sheathed in a deep reddish-purple color. This slight change in my eye color wasn't enough that a human would take notice. My eyes routinely went from gold to black and vise versa, depending on how long it had been since I last fed, and no one had ever called that into question.

Rosalie was the last to load into the car, throwing a fit, making Alice move to the back seat so she could sit up front. She couldn't handle not being the center of attention, and I told her so.

"Kiss my ass, Edward," she responded. _You owe me big for last night so shut your mouth,_ she continued in her mind.

"You're right, Rosalie. I'm sorry. Thank you…all of you, for what you did last night for me. And for Bella."

Alice chimed in, "Of course, Edward. You're our brother, we wouldn't have acted any other way."

The rest of the car ride was silent. Well, silent for the rest of them. I had to hear their thoughts the whole way.

Rosalie went on cussing me, thinking of all the ways I could repay her in the future. Car parts mostly. Jasper was worried, making preparations for having a newborn in the house. The training she would need and the mistakes she would make. And by mistakes, he meant people she would probably kill. Emmett's thoughts were always the easiest to hear. He was always so light-hearted. _She'll be a nice piece of ass, Edward, after she gets past the thirst, of course_.

It was true. Not the ass part. Well, yeah, the ass part, but also the thirst part. It takes years for a vampire to learn to control the thirst for human blood. Literally, years for a newborn to think of anything else. Nothing else in this world would matter to Bella, especially me.

Alice's thoughts were often the hardest to listen to. So often her thoughts were visions of the future. It was difficult to bear the burden of not only reading everyone's mind, but seeing the future through Alice as well. She was seeing the scene of the bear attack as the humans would find it later that morning. It was convincing. There had been quite a scuffle. Rose had really let that bear get rough with her. I decide I would definitely get her the new car stereo she wanted.

They would discover the scraps of bloody clothes, some urine covered as well. I wondered how they pulled that off. Then I realized Bella must have lost control of her bladder as some point and I felt a deep pang of guilt for the way I had degraded her. Bloody pieces of hair Alice had plucked from Bella's head were further proof of her presence there. One shoe there at the site another further down along the trial. Bear tracks lead off deeper into the woods. Some of the search party would continue on the trail. Of course, they would never find the bear's body; Emmett had made sure of that.

The trail would eventually taper off and a few bears would probably die in the coming weeks as the humans searched for the predator. The rest of the search party would come back and break the news to Charlie. Carlisle would be in that group. The vision stopped there and I was glad to find we were approaching the school. Some distance between Alice and I would be a welcome respite. I didn't want to see how Charlie would take the news.

* * *

**A/N: Big hugs to all my readers and reviewers! Sometimes remembering I'll have alerts in my inbox is the only thing that gets me out of bed at 3:30AM to get ready for work, so thanks for the encouragement! A big happy birthday to the most important man in my world--no, not Rob, silly girls--my husband, Duane, actually! Happy birthday, mister-into-scrapes! Love you all, muah!**

* * *


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: **_**Twilight**_** belongs to Stephanie Meyer. This is the chapter where Bella learns everything that the rest of us already know, so bear with me! :)**

Chapter 7: Vampire Schooled

**BPOV**

Edward was gone and the pain was stronger. It defied all logic. I hated him. He took my life from me. He put me in this pain in the first place. And yet, the world was a darker place without him. The fire burned hotter inside of me and all hope seemed lost. My mouth was getting dry. I wanted water but the thought of drinking it seemed wrong…gross even. My body was changing, that I knew for sure. It was proof that what Edward had said was true—I was becoming a vampire.

I started thinking about vampires again. Dracula and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I was terrified of what I was becoming. "Esme," I choked.

"Yes, dear," she responded so sweetly, "what is it?"

"Esme…tell me…about…vam…vampires." I hoped they were something different from the images in my mind.

She talked for what seemed like days on the truth about vampires. Yes, most vampires drank human blood, but not the Cullens. They fed only on animals, she said.

"I…hate…blood…" I said through gritted teeth as a particularly painful flame licked my heart.

"I know, Bella, dear, but that will change, I think. You will have to feed. Your body will take control if your mind won't allow you to," Esme reasoned.

She went on about the differences between real vampires and the ones from books and movies. Vampires didn't sleep in coffins. They didn't sleep at all actually.

"You'll have a lot of free time during the night for…whatever you want to do. Reading, starting new hobbies, lots of free time," she assured me, and I wondered what she was leaving out about the whole not sleeping part.

Vampires couldn't be killed with wooden steaks. In fact, pretty much only thing strong enough to pierce a vampires skin was vampire teeth. Garlic had no adverse effect on them and neither did holy water. Something unique about vampires that I'd never read in any story was that vampires sparkled in the sunlight. She said it was like millions of tiny diamonds, each one-hundred times smaller than a grain of sand covered their bodies…our bodies. We could go out during the day, of course, we just had to stay away from humans on sunny days.

I was immediately saddened. I loved the sun. I thought of Phoenix and how I'd never be able to live there again. I started crying again, but this time no tears fell.

"Your bodily fluids are drying up, Bella," Esme answered my bewildered expression, "all the liquids in your body are turning to venom, you'll never be able to produce tears ever again."

The way she said "ever again," sounded so final. It made me feel so desperate. "Will…will I…die, Esme?"

"No, Bella, in theory, you will live forever. Carlisle for example is over 360 years old."

"And…Edward?" I asked.

"Edward was changed at 17, just like you, Bella. He was born in…for the first time, in 1901, so he's 108 this year." It made so much sense. His old-fashioned manners. How mature he was for a high school boy. He was over a hundred years old.

Esme continued on about the unending life of a Vampire. I concentrated on her words like they were a lighthouse calling out to me during a storm on a torrid sea. Once in awhile when the pain was unbearable I would scream or whimper. She would just stroke my face or my arm until it passed and pick up where she left off.

She said the number one law—the only one really, aside from not changing young children—was to keep the secret. No human could know about them—about _us_. The Cullens worked very hard to keep their cover, always moving from place to place before their neighbors could realize they weren't aging.

_At least something Edward told me was true. Well, half true_. Part of me understood why he lied now, it was against the law to tell a human the truth…but the rest of me still hated him.

Esme said there was a faction of vampires who lived in Italy, who were sort of…the royal family. The pretty much owned a city called Volterra, and from there they enforced vampire law and kept the peace. Kept humans in the dark.

"The Voluri are a necessary evil," she said, "someone has to enforce the laws, or chaos would ensue, as it has in many eras of time in this world. But they are drunk on their power and tensions are riding high between them and many covens around the earth. We fear it isn't long before some party meets their end."

_So vampires could die_. My face must have contorted in fear.

"Yes, Bella," once again she answered my unspoken question. "But it is very difficult to kill a vampire, you can't simply…die. You must be killed by another."

"How?" I whimpered.

"A vampire can only die by fire. The most effective way, according to Jasper, is to tear the body a part and burn the pieces."

_Ironic_. _It takes fire to kill a vampire…and to create one_. The fire raged on through my body, and I wondered what I looked like from the outside. Was my skin red? Was it charred? The fire felt so real to me, it had to show.

"It's been over three hours, Bella, Edward should be home soon."

Nearly another week down. _Fourteen weeks to go_. I tried to concentrate on the good things Esme had told me about vampires. Not the ripping and burning and power-tripping. I would be strong and fast, she had said. _No more clumsy Bella. _I would be invincible. And beautiful too. She said that all vampires resemble their human forms very closely, but they are enhanced. All their best physical features are made even more striking and their worst are improved to perfection at the least.

"Sometimes, other features are enhanced as well, Bella. Emotional characteristics, personality traits."

I looked at her, confused, as I uttered another scream.

"Like, Alice for example. Alice can see the future."

_I bet she saw me coming._

"She saw you, changed before Edward even spoke to you. He thought he could stop it, but as fate would have it, your transformation was inevitable."

_Fate, huh? What a bitch. _If I could have mustered the ability to laugh, I would have.

"All of us have a little something special, not all quite as remarkable as Alice's visions of the future. Me, I was very caring, very motherly by nature and that trait was greatly enhanced when I changed. The depth of my feelings for you, Bella, in this short time I've known you…well, it's deeper than I can contain," she said, leaning down to kiss my forehead.

Her lips were cool and it reminded me of the dozens of times I'd been sick in bed as a child. My mother would come in and take my temperature. "You're burning up," she'd say and she'd lean down and kiss me just like that. Her lips would be a cold comfort to my overheated face. I started crying dry sobs once more at the thought of never seeing my mother again.

"I know, Bella, honey, I know," Esme chanted until I calmed down and I thought about what Edward had said in the meadow, that Esme's mothering was greatly affected by the fact that she couldn't have children of her own. I wondered if that was true.

She picked up where she left off. "Carlisle is a doctor, you know, his gift of compassion makes it easy for him to be around human blood all day…that coupled with years and years of painstaking practice. Emmett's strength definitely carried over and I believe his personality was maximized with his transformation. His jovial demeanor is a gift to us all. Rosalie's beauty was enhanced far beyond that of any other vampire I've ever seen." She paused, then continued, "Though I can tell, Bella, your beauty will be astounding. But Rosalie also brought her…tenacity with her into her new life. Let's see, then there's Jasper, he has the ability to sense and influence the emotions of those around him."

"And Edward," I gasped through another shooting pain. No. Shooting wasn't a good description, because "shooting" implied that the pain came and went. Each "shooting" pain I felt remained indefinitely. Each one adding to the previous thousands that were already burning inside of me.

"Edward can hear people's thoughts, Bella. Everyone's but yours, as a matter of fact."

Mind reading? This was almost too much to process. Too much to believe. If there was any other way to rationalize the pain I was in, I would gladly have accepted an alternate explanation. I tried to let this bizarre reality sink in. _Edward can read minds._ _But he can't read my mind. That does explain all the weird glaring_. I remembered thinking at lunch earlier that day…or I guessed it was finally yesterday by now, he seemed to be staring right through me, like he was trying to see inside of me. He was.

"Why?" I questioned.

"We don't know, Bella. All we know is that you're the first person he has been unable to hear and that he was drawn to your blood, attracted to your scent more than he'd ever experienced before. But we have all eternity to figure this all out, now don't we?"

"My…bloo…?" I couldn't finish the word before another scream escaped my lips, another "shooting" pain was adding itself to my misery.

When the scream had passed, Esme continued, "Yes, Bella, you'll understand soon. The thirst for human blood is very strong, even for those of us who make a practice of not consuming it. Your body will crave it. Your thirst will be satiated by animal blood, but never fully eliminated like it would be if you allowed yourself human blood."

When Esme stopped talking I had a harder time not focusing on the pain. I urged her to continue in my mind but the words wouldn't come. She got the hint, as she so often did.

"Bella, perhaps Edward will describe it to you himself one day, but from what Alice has told me, his attraction to your blood was unlike anything I've ever experienced. He found that he could overpower it when he stayed in the moment. If he let his mind get carried away…he thought about…biting you. He was convinced he could be strong enough. But like I said, Bella, fate had other plans for you."

**EPOV**

As we neared the house I could hear Esme's thoughts as she talked to Bella. They were apparently carrying on a conversation of sorts. Another abnormality. Usually during a transformation, the screaming would subside, as it had with Bella. But listening, comprehending…speaking back, even…that was unheard of. Esme was telling her about how her blood drew me in, how my desire for her overpowered my senses and I lost control. "Fate had other plans for you," Esme said, and I cringed.

What was fate to immortal beings? What was god or heaven or hell? What was destiny, what was death? Just words to us.

The others didn't feel like I did on the matter. They felt if humans had a purpose on this earth, so did we. I had spent the last 90 years arguing with them over it. I was a soulless being, with no meaning, no purpose, worst of all…no hope. Then I thought of Bella, writhing in the bed upstairs, and realized I had found my salvation. All the hope that had eluded me in my lifetime—human or otherwise—was upstairs in that bed, getting ready to spend eternity with me…or so I _hoped_, and hoping was a big step for me.

I was out of the car before it was even in park. My movements unbelievably fast._ Show off_, Rosalie thought to herself. She was always jealous of anyone that was better than her at anything, and I was much, much faster than her.

I was upstairs in a flash and I could feel the tiniest bit of relief wash over Bella as I entered the room and placed my hands on her burning body. The worst had yet to come, and I hated it for her. If I could take her place I would. But I couldn't…that was the thing about a savior…they had to die to save you; there was no other way.

"Only…fourt…teen…weeks…left now," she said without opening her eyes. She knew me—my presence, my touch—and that thought comforted me, although I had no idea what she was talking about.

I listened to Esme's thoughts as she filled me in on all that she had told Bella while I was at school. Basically, it had been a crash course in vampirism. _Dracula 101_, I thought dryly. If Bella could manage to comprehend all she had been told and then remember it, half of the battle would be won by the time she stopped burning.

Getting a newborn to understand what has happened to them is the first key. The second key is a much harder, much longer process. The second key is convincing them not to kill anyone. Newborns are unreasonably strong and equally as unreasonable when it comes to their thirst. I cringed at the thought of Bella draining someone's blood. Someone I knew…someone _she_ knew.

I would do everything in my power to keep her from committing a crime she would have to live with for all eternity. I was often haunted by the faces of the human lives I had taken. Alice, who often saw visions relating to my imagined venues for penance for those actions, tried to reason with me. They were criminals, she would remind me. Bad people about to commit heinous crimes, I did the world a favor, she would say. But I knew better. I was no caped crusader. What I had done to Bella was only further proof that I was the sickest kind of monster.

I would go to the ends of the earth to save Bella from that kind of self-inflicted torture. "It's going to be okay, Bella," I assured her aloud, "I'm going to take you away from here, some place where you can't hurt anyone you love."

A look of horror crossed Esme's face. "Where ever you decide to take her, Edward, the family will follow."

"I would never ask you to uproot the family for my mistake, Esme. You still have a couple good years left here, and I know this is one of your personal favorite places to live." The guilt was overpowering. Not just for what I had done to Bella, but for what I had done to my whole family.

"Yes, Edward, it is, but nothing is worth separating our family. We wouldn't be uprooting the family for your _mistake_, Edward…we'd be uprooting the family for…our Bella."

I sighed a long sigh. _Our Bella_.

"What if she doesn't want to be _our_ Bella, Esme?" I whispered too low for Bella's still human level of hearing.

"All we can do is love her, Edward. All _you_ can do is love her. And for now, talk to her. It makes the pain easier to push away." And with that Esme turned and left the room, leaving me alone with our Bella…with _my_ Bella.

* * *


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: **_**Twilight**_** belongs to Stephanie Meyer. Hello from the road, guys! This is a super long chapter in honor of vacation—blessed, blessed vacation! **

Chapter 8: World Blurred

**BPOV**

He wanted to take me away? Why? I didn't want to hurt anyone. Then he said something…something I didn't think I was supposed to hear…something I shouldn't have been able to hear.

"What if she doesn't want to be _our_ Bella, Esme?"

_You think, Edward?_ I thought to myself. _I'm turning into a goddammed vampire, and it's your fault!_ I wanted to tell him so, but all I could do was muster a scream as Esme turned and left the room. For a split second I was afraid Edward would leave too and I whimpered in agony.

"I'm right here, Bella. You can feel me, I know it," Edward spoke. "I'm sorry, Bella. So sorry. I'm ready to spend the rest of eternity apologizing…making this up to you. I want to make you so happy, love. I'll take you to Italy, Bella, to all the places in the world you want to go."

The sound of his voice comforted me, only because it gave me something to focus on. The words he spoke infuriated me. He was planning out a whole life for me without even considering what I might want. Just like he had turned me into a vampire without my consent._ So arrogant!_ As if I could possibly…love him after what he had done to me.

"There's an island, Bella, far away from everything, where we can be free in sun. I know how you adore the sun," he mused, I grew even more indignant. _How dare he assume he knows anything about me?_

"I can't wait to see you sparkle in the sunlight. I imagine the sight of you…on the beach, skin glistening, your beautiful brown hair blowing in the wind. But I know, you'll be so much more than I can visualize. You already are. When I saw you for the first time in the cafeteria yesterday, I couldn't imagine one one-hundredth of what you would be to me. You were just another human girl…but when I couldn't hear your thoughts…and then I smelled your blood…and then you spoke to me, and I felt my world turn upside down."

_Does he really think I'm buying this love at first sight bullshit?_ What he did next, I should have seen coming. Edward was pretty good at taking whatever he wanted without consider my feelings.

He leaned down to kiss me. Somehow I could taste the air move around his face. Yes, taste. Air. _So strange_. The moment his lips touched mine that same electric current passed him his body to mine. For a split second…a one hundredth of a millisecond, I felt no pain. I felt whole and perfect as his kiss sent what felt like water—just above the temperature of freezing—rushing through my veins.

The pain returned almost instantaneously; it was worse than ever before and my body jerked against his lips. He removed his mouth from mine and gave a sincere apology. I tried to decide if the split moment of relief was worth the immense pain that had followed and now remained.

"Is it getting worse, Bella?"

My body convulsed with pain as I let out a scream. That was as close to a "yes" as he was going to get.

"I'm sorry, Bella it has to get worse before it can get better. I can promise you, this is the worst pain you'll ever feel. After the burning ends, I'll make sure you never feel physical pain ever again."

"Worse?" I screamed at him.

"Yes, Bella, I'm afraid the worst has yet to come. We've all experienced what you're going through, and honestly, you're handling it better than anyone I've ever seen."

I screamed and writhed as he continued, speaking slowing so I could understand. The thought of the pain getting worse actually made it worse.

"I'm so glad I can be honest with you now, Bella. We'll have no more secrets, I promise."

He went on making promises. Promising to love me for eternity, if I would have him. Promising to give me the world, if I would take it.

For once it sounded like maybe I had a choice in this. But where would I go? How would I survive on my own? Had fate truly made me _their_ Bella…_his_ Bella? Or did I have an alternative?

I heard Alice's light footsteps traipsing up the stairs and into the room. "Five minutes, Edward, and we've got to go."

_It must be time for school_. That meant had been 24 hours since he last left my side…another four weeks had passed since he returned. _Nine weeks to go_. I was past the half way mark. The same moment I swelled with pride over making it to this milestone, the pain deepened. My screams became more frequent. Edward was right; the worst was yet to come.

"Alice, why do I have to go? I'm sure plenty of kids will use Bella's…" he tried to whisper the next word so I couldn't hear it, but I did, "…death as an excuse to skip school today."

"Haven't you seen what I've been seeing, Edward?"

"No, Alice, when I'm with her…it's so much easier to block out other's thoughts."

My mind wondered briefly—as they spoke so casually about their supernatural abilities—would I be special? _Could I, plain, common, average Isabella Swan, possibly be someone special?_

"Edward, if you don't go to school today, you'll put us all in danger, Bella most of all. They're sending in grief counselors to talk to the students today. Everyone who isn't in school will get a personal visit to their home this afternoon."

I got the feeling he was trying to whisper below my hearing level again, "Alice, she's over half way now, it's…going to get _really_ bad soon."

"It's…bad…now, Ed…ward." I choked out. I needed him to know I could hear him. I could hear everything, sounds that were miles away. And I could comprehend it all simultaneously. It was a strange feeling. My brain could process so much more than I knew possible, especially with so much pain in my body.

I felt my mind using such bizarre descriptors. Things like "feeling light" and "smelling air" as it moved…but more. It was like a dream world where everything was so vivid, so sharp. Like _Alice in Wonderland_…I was tripping. It reminded me vaguely of the way kids at school used to describe taking ecstasy. "X," they called it. They said it made every touch, every sight and sound exaggerated. In their hypertensive state everything was overwhelming and everything was pleasurable.

I could sense that Edward was about to leave…my eyes shot open. "Two weeks…come back…in two..."

"OK, Bella I'll be back as soon as I can," Edward responded confused. How could he not understand me?

"Kiss…me," I begged him in spite of myself. I had decided one partial moment of relief was worth the pain that would ensue; the pain was unavoidable. It would get worse whether Edward was here or not. Whether he kissed me or not.

I attempted to part my lips slightly as he leaned down to me. He pressed his cool torso against my own and the ice water shot through my veins as he lips touched mine. His kiss lingered but I couldn't return it. _I don't think I'd want to even if I could_. Even still, I welcomed the fleeting moment of relief the kiss brought. The pain returned as I knew it would, worse than ever before, and I started screaming into his mouth.

"Time to go, Edward," Esme chimed.

And I felt the light go out as Edward left the room.

**EPOV**

Alice and I had a lot to catch up on. Apparently I was blocking her out without even noticing it, so focused on Bella. Ignoring other's thoughts had never come so easily as when I was with Bella. And I couldn't help but feel selfish when I realized that I hoped this was something that would continue beyond her transformation. Not that I deserved such a wonderful gift.

"Rose, why don't you drive Emmett and Jazz so Edward and I can talk," Alice suggested as she jumped into the front seat of the Volvo.

Rose and the others sped toward the garage, full of excitement. Carlisle did not approve of Rosalie driving her BMW convertible to school very often. It was cherry red, very fast and very expensive. Too ostentatious for Forks High School. I knew he would make an exception today. Besides, anything to lighten Rosalie bitchy mood would be good for us all.

"Show me, Alice. When will she be done?"

"I've only caught glimpses of her afterward. She's still so hard for me to see. I know she'll be beautiful…"

I cut her off, she could look like drag queen for all I cared, "What time, Alice?" _Well, maybe not a drag queen…_

"I don't know, Edward. I asked Carlisle to put a few clocks around the room this morning. Maybe I'll be able to see what time one of them reads when she starts to come around."

_Why hadn't I thought of that?_ This woman was really messing with my mind. I had all eternity to get to know her, _hopefully_…and yet I felt like if I didn't study her intently every second I spent with her, that my time was wasted. I concentrated on her so heavily, so deeply that I couldn't even hear Alice when she was just feet away from me.

And now I had to go to school of all places and listening to hundreds of thoughts about Bella. I was trying to prepare myself for the barrage of horrible images I would experience today. I would see her face in their minds, hear her voice as she had spoken to them. Some of them—those who had seen the scene of the accident and the forest ranger holding bloody piece of t-shirt on the television news—would carry imagined pictures in their minds of her bear-ravaged body, almost unrecognizable, lost somewhere in the deep woods. I felt sad that we were the only ones who knew…her true fate was far worse than the painful, but comparatively quick death everyone imagined.

"How did her father take it?" I asked, not really wanting to know, but figuring it was unavoidable.

She replayed for me the scene as Carlisle had described it to her. Charlie was distraught. He cried…no, he wailed. He lamented over how he had just gotten her back and now she was gone. He had so much planned for her, so many hopes and dreams. He vowed he would personally hunt down every black bear in the Olympic Peninsula until they found the one that took his daughter from him.

No one, Carlisle especially, tried to reason with him, they just let him cry it out. Many cried with him. Eventually he asked to be left alone and retreated quietly to his bedroom upstairs. His friends and neighbors obeyed, noting how eerie the silence was as they left the house. But Carlisle, with his acute vampire hearing, had heard Charlie's deep sobs bellow out for miles as he drove away in his Mercedes. In my mind I could see Carlisle telling the story to Alice and I could see the expression his face.

Carlisle was heartbroken for Charlie, but he was…happy for himself. I could see the two emotions warring on his face. Charlie had lost a daughter but Carlisle had gained one. Though the means were clearly not as honorable as they had been in the past, Carlisle could not help but feel proud about the beautiful new addition to his family.

I shook my head, trying to wash the images of our fathers' faces from my mind. "Will you try to focus on the clocks today? Try to give me a time," I begged Alice.

"Mister impatience!" She was trying to be playful…I just didn't have it in me.

"Not for me, Alice…well, yes for me, but for Bella too. She seems to have some odd way of keeping time and I think she's banking on three full days of burning. I would love to be able to tell her it won't take quite that long."

"I'll concentrate on it with all my might, Edward. It might help if you decide something about what you'll say or do when she wakes." I considered this. I would have plenty of time for that in class today. Alice continued, "Not that she's sleeping or anything…Carlisle says he's never seen a transformation where the person was so…lucid."

"She really seems to listen and understand, and even when she can't speak, her face is very expressive," I mused aloud to Alice.

"Well, I've been doing a lot of online shopping for her," Alice said, obviously trying to think happy thoughts. "She'll need a new wardrobe for sure. Some things should start arriving today."

I thought about how everything Bella had known was gone. Even something as finite as clothing, mere possessions were lost to her now. I wallowed in misery.

Alice could sense that I was slipping into deep some deep self-loathing, as I gripped the steering wheel so hard I nearly snapped it in half. She started back with something meaningless in hopes of distracting me, "Have you thought about what kind of car to buy her?"

"Uh…I don't know exactly," I said through clenched teeth. I tried to think about Bella, not myself. _What would she like?_ "I have a feeling she'll be fast, like she'll need something that really goes, you know?"

"A Porsche maybe? Rosalie will be so jealous!"

I saw a vision of Rosalie fuming as I placed a big red bow on a yellow 911 Turbo. I wasn't sure if was a vision of the future or just Alice's imagination running away with her.

"Yellow, Alice? That doesn't sound much like Bella…I was thinking something red?"

"Yeah, in that vision, the yellow Porsche was actually for me…so now you know how to repay me for all my help."

"Oh," I said, finally feeling a little light-hearted at her high jinx, "so all that crap about 'you're our brother, Edward, we help because we love you,' blah, blah, blah..."

"Yes, total crap, Edward," she responded with a smile, "but seriously, I want that Porsche. You'll be getting Bella a Ferrari …the F430, I think."

"Perfect. Thanks, Alice."

"I'm only telling you what you already know."

"Could you…"

"Yes, I'll put in the orders after school today. Don't worry, I know your American Express number."

"Thanks for everything, Alice."

"No problem," she said as I put the car in park and she stepped out. She bent down sticking her head through the open door. "Think about what you'll do when she comes around and maybe I'll have good news for you at lunch!"

As I headed to my first class I pondered, _what _will_ be the first thing I say to her?_

I imagined different scenarios…but they were all one-sided. In one, I would scoop her up in my arms, and she would hug me back so tightly that I would physically hurt from the pressure she exerted. It was realistic in that yes, she would be much stronger than me…but rather impossible considering she hated me.

Perhaps I would tell her I loved her. I could say I was sorry, beg for forgiveness. But in my fantasies she would easily accept my apologies; she would return my love immediately and fully. Something told me it couldn't be that easy—maybe it was the way she spit in my face just over a day ago. _Yeah, that's a pretty good clue._

But then I thought of the kiss. The one she begged me for before I left her room this morning. Maybe there was hope that she could love me after all. That…or she would hate me and I'd never have a chance to kiss her again.

I would kiss her while I could. _Alice, I'll kiss her._

I searched for Alice's mind through the banal, unending thoughts of the teenagers around me. Many of them were thinking about Bella, but more still were thinking about themselves…their petty love lives, grades, and families. The thoughts of vampires were easier for me to focus on and I found Jasper first. He was settling into French class, fantasizing about speaking romantic words in French to Alice. She would eat them up even though the words were marred by his residual southern accent. _Gross_. I moved on and found Alice.

Her vision was no surprise. I grabbed Bella up from a crouching position in the corner of the room and kissed her forcefully. My kiss was unreturned. She pulled back easily, exerting very little of her newborn strength. Then she slapped me. She really let me have it. _It's going to sting_, I thought. But it didn't deter my plans, I would kiss her, the decision had been made.

I replayed the vision in my mind trying to find a clock. Finally I noticed it, a small digital alarm clock that wasn't there when I left this morning was sitting on the desk next to Bella's frightened, cowering frame. It read 4:52. I watched the vision again, this time focusing on the window in the periphery. It was dark outside. 4:52 AM. She had just over twenty hours to go.

I set my mind on trying to figure out Bella's way of keeping time. She said I would be back in "two weeks." The time I would be away from her would be roughly eight hours. _One week must be equivalent to four hours_, I realized. I figured the math so I could tell her in her own terms how long she had left. When I got home she'd have about 12 hours left. _Three weeks to go_, I couldn't wait to tell her. _That's probably about four weeks less that she was estimating. _

She was going through the worst of it right now and I cursed the stupid English class I was sitting in. _I should be by her side_. Just then a frail-looking, older woman—probably in her mid-sixties—entered the classroom, the grief counselor. I remembered why I had to be here. For our family. For Bella.

**BPOV**

With Esme by my side I prayed that this was the worst of the burning. I begged God to make it stop. The pain was all-consuming. I felt the fire in every inch of my body. Her cold hands provided even less relief than they had yesterday. How much time had passed since Edward left for school? I didn't know, I just knew when he got home, that meant there were seven weeks to go. They had told me it could take less than three days and I prayed that it would. I clung to the hope that maybe, just maybe, there would be one less week. _Just one, God, please._

At some point Carlisle entered the room but I could hardly open my eyes to see him. He moved across the room swiftly stopping for a few seconds at a time and finally pausing at my side to examine me.

"You're doing so well, Bella. Just a little longer and this will all be behind you, I promise you." I tried to nod, but I imagined to him it looked like just another jarring moment in a long string of convulsions. He kissed Esme and left the house.

Today Esme was schooling me on the everyday goings-on of the Cullen household. Carlisle was a doctor, as I already knew, and sometimes worked thirty-six hours straight at the hospital.

"Of course, he would work forever without needing rest, but the humans would get suspicious."

The way she said "the humans," freaked me out a little and I whimpered. I wasn't one of them anymore…or wouldn't be soon anyway. Inhuman.

"I keep myself busy doing some restorations and interior design projects. Mostly just around the house here, but I have done some work for some high-profile clients in L.A. and Chicago on occasion."

"Op…rah?" I choked questioningly.

"Yes, I've done some work for Oprah and Steadman. Beautiful couple, really. I've been working on Edward's bedroom while you've been here, making some changes I think you'll like, Bella. Adding a bed for one thing, he never had much use for one until…" she trailed off and I thought my skin would have been beet red from mortifying embarrassment, except that my entire body was already on fire. It's much too hard to feel anything as petty as embarrassment when you're becoming a vampire, I discovered.

I tried to remember those feelings I had for Edward in the meadow. There was lust and desire. I wanted him badly. I had never wanted anyone so physically…so sexually. But those feelings were a faint memory now. They were buried deep underneath the piles of ash and soot that surrounded my burning heart.

And they really had another thing coming if they thought I was just going to get up out of this bed and fall into his arms. _Love at first sight, my ass!_ Sure, there was a connection there. Edward was gorgeous. We had tons of things in common, and my heart swelled every time we discovered something new about each other that we saw reflected in ourselves. My body responded to him in ways I was unfamiliar with. And, so yes, I felt like I was falling. A hitch in my breathing here, an extra heart beat there. That day in the meadow, my heart was soaring. That day in the meadow I might have said I believed in love at first sight. Maybe even that I was experiencing it with Edward. But no. Everything changed when he bit me. Not just for us, for the future of our relationship but for me, for my future. He took my life and replaced it with something…strange. Something foreign and scary and wrong…and he expected me to love him? They all expected me to love him?

Esme continued, ignoring my angry writhing on the bed below her. "Rosalie likes to work on cars, but she's not much of a collector like Edward. It's the tinkering she enjoys, the technical and mechanical aspects. Edward often helps her out in the garage, which is just about the only time the two of them get along! Don't tell him I said so, but she's a much better mechanic than him. Emmett loves any kind of competition and his strength makes him a worthy opponent in games of sheer power. He also spends a lot of time making bets, cracking jokes and playing pranks. It's fun to watch him try to pull anything over on Alice…he succeeds only very rarely, usually only with Jasper's help. Jasper is the only one capable of distracting Alice to the point that she misses visions. And, of course, it's impossible for him to get Edward, but maybe that will change now that you're here. You seem to be fairly good at distracting him and you're not even trying yet!"

She laughed, a melodic laugh that was both high and low simultaneously. It sounded to me like a chorus. There was only one voice coming from her lips, and yet it sounded like a hundred different voices, all perfect on their own and perfectly in sync. There were sopranos and altos and tenors, and I could hear each of them individually and all of them at once. _Tripping, definitely tripping._

Esme spoke more about Edward then. She told me about how he played the piano and pretty much any other instrument he picked up he would learn in an instant. Piano was her favorite, she said, and he had written her a special song. Edward was the fastest of all the vampires in the family. Faster than any vampire they'd ever crossed paths with.

"We do come across other vampires on occasion. There are very few others like us, those who don't feed on humans. We have friends in Alaska, the Denali Coven, Tanya and her family, they subscribe to our alternative lifestyle. Tanya will be disappointed to know that Edward has found his match in you…she's always had a thing for him. Of course, Tanya really has a thing for anything male on two legs." She laughed again I was still shocked by the sound my ears received. I thought maybe it was a fluke the first time. But now it seemed as if not only had my hearing improved but it had changed.

I focused on all the sounds I could pick up at once. Esme's voice as she continued talking, cars passing on the highway miles in the distance, the river rushing to the south, a hundred different organisms going about their daily lives—birds, insects, plants even—and the breeze as it broke gently against the window. It sounded like a symphony. Even the sound of my insides burning worked in time with the environment around me. Here in my darkest hour I realized the beauty surrounding me and I felt true hope for the first time.

I tried to ask Esme about the noises around me. W_hy are they so beautiful?_ I wondered. "Sounds?" I asked, sticking to single syllables, "Birds? Trees?" but Esme just stared down at me blankly. That was when I realized I couldn't hear my own voice.

"Bella, Bella," she said concerned, "what is it? I can't hear you."

"Cars? Wind?" I shouted but there was no sound. I screamed but nothing came out…not even a hoarse whisper. I looked up at Esme, panicked. It felt like I was being suffocated, but there was no hand over my mouth.

Esme's worried voice faded from my mind and so did all the other sounds around me; the symphony died. Next my vision went blurry, Esme's face turned into a Picasso…and then to blackness. I tried to breathe. I knew air had filled my burning lungs but couldn't feel it happen. I could no longer smell or taste anything in the atmosphere. Esme's cold hands no longer had a cooling sensation on my skin. All I could feel…all I could taste, hear, smell and see was my own body burning.

Hope had vanished just as quickly as it had come. I realized _this_ was the worst; not just the intensifying burning, but now the utter helplessness. I wished I didn't have to think anymore. I wished I could pass out. God knows I'd done that enough in my human life. _But you're not human anymore, Bella_. _Inhuman_. I repeated the word in my mind over and over, counting for each instance I said it to pass the never-ending time. Math seemed to help me.

_Inhuman. One. Inhuman. Two. Inhuman. Three. _

I tried to push from my mind the fact that I wouldn't know when Edward got home. I wouldn't be able to see him or hear his voice. I had been awaiting his return like a mile marker on the highway—_seven weeks after he gets home_. Now I had no way of knowing how the time passed.

_Inhuman. One-thousand ninety-three. Inhuman. One-thousand ninety-four. Inhuman. One-thousand ninety-five. _

**EPOV  
**

The grief counselor gave a short speech about death and closure and then asked if any students felt they needed some time to talk it over. I was surprised by how many students got up and followed her out of class. They hardly even knew Bella and they were just using this as an excuse to get out of class. Mike Newton was actually pretty forlorn. Apparently he had been thinking about asking Bella to prom, and was disappointed that he'd have to settle for Jessica Stanley instead.

The teacher sent around a form for each student to sign, agreeing that we had received the speech and felt fine or some shit like that, I didn't even bother reading it. I spent the whole day wishing we lived closer to the school. If the house was just few miles closer to town maybe I could hear Esme's thoughts as she spent the day with Bella.

During lunch everyone was quiet. Even Emmett tried to focus on anything but Bella so I wouldn't have to hear his thoughts. It was almost comical listening to him recite Shakespeare in his head. Biology was the hardest to sit through. I lay my hand on the empty seat next to me through the whole class trying to stay connect with her in some way. _Just two days ago she sat here next to me_. Before morning she would be restored to me.

I only had to wait for Alice after school ended and I was glad for it. She made her way to the car quickly and I was out of the parking lot in a flash, flying towards the house.

"She's gonna slap you, Edward," Alice finally broke the silence.

"It's going to sting really bad, she'll be very strong," I agreed.

"You could change your mind, you know, I don't think it would affect the timing."

"No, Alice. I haven't been able to intercept fate yet, why try at this point?"

Alice shrugged and I just sighed. The next few hours would be painful for Bella. The time that followed would be hell for me.

Alice kept her mind occupied by replaying the musical _Les Miserables_.

"Hey, that reminds me," I said as I pulled the car into the driveway, "Jasper is going to try out some new stuff he learned in French today on you."

"Oh yes, I've seen some of it…I've been trying to block it out so I don't ruin the surprise!"

"What surprise, Alice? He's going to talk dirty to you and then I'll have to block out your thoughts for hours while the two of you have sex like wild animals."

"Oh, Edward, someday you'll understand…someday soon I hope," she said with a knowing smile as she jumped from the car and headed into the house.

I followed her lead and beat her to the door. "I win!" I yelled smugly. And then I heard the silence…no screams. I suddenly felt guilty for my playful attitude. Esme's thoughts sharpened in my mind, _It's not good, Edward_.

I raced up the stairs and into the room. I saw Bella's body begin to jerk violently as I entered, but that was it. Her eyes didn't open, she didn't call out for me.

Esme explained, "She seems to have lost the ability to communicate, she can't speak or scream, she can't hear either and I get the feeling my touch is no longer comforting to her."

"Here let me try," I said taking my place at her beside and placing my hand on her arm. Her body jerked again but I saw no relief in her face. Her rigid body did not relax even slightly as it had before. Esme was right, she was past the point of comfort. The next 13 hours…the next three weeks, would be very lonely for her.

I was selfish enough to be able to take solace in her presence even when she was suffering. I spoke to her anyway, even knowing she couldn't hear me. Even as Carlisle and Esme came and went, checking on us every so often, I never stopped my quiet stream of words. I didn't care who heard. My love for Bella was obvious. They knew it as much as I did.

Alice came in to change Bella into a new dress that had arrived in the mail.

"Is that really necessary?" I asked; I didn't want to leave the room.

"I don't want her waking up to her new life in a hospital gown, Edward. Besides, you can stay in the room, you won't look."

She was right. I focused my eyes on Bella's face until Alice was done. Someday I hoped to see Bella's body…but on her terms with her consent. And when the action could be shared mutually. Bella couldn't see _anything_ right now. It wouldn't be fair to grab a sneak peek.

I kept time for her, in her way, "Just one more week Bella, less than four hours now, love."

Time had never moved so slowly. In ninety-one years of endless days and nights, time had never dragged like this before. Yet I was greedily excited as the moment grew closer. I watched the clock as the minutes crept by.

I kept on talking to Bella. I promised I would never leave her again. Today was the last time I would ever leave her side. Nothing could ever keep me away from her. I told her more about Isle Esme, a place where we could enjoy the sun together. It was a good size for a private island, located off the coast of Rio de Janeiro. There was a beautiful house there what we could have all to ourselves whenever we wanted. The living room window overlooked the vast beach, spreading for miles with pristine tan sand. We could swim for hours without coming up for air.

I wanted to take a trip, I told her, all around the world. In eighty days, in a thousand days, I didn't care. I wanted to be by her side as she experienced everything this world had to offer. We would leave no corner of the earth unexplored together.

I spoke to her in intricate detail about all the beautiful sights we would witness in Italy—the Coliseum, the Leaning Tower of Pisa, Michelangelo's David. I'd seen them all and taken little delight in the experience. I knew that seeing them with Bella by my side would be like seeing them for the first time. Her very presence coated the world with glistening sheen. Everything was brighter, easier, and infinitely more interesting. On a cloudy day, we could bike through Tuscany. That was something I had never done. It had always seemed like something you should do with someone special…and now I had finally found her.

"You're special, Bella, you're so very special." I cooed to her as the clock struck 4:52.

* * *

**A/N: Thanks for reading ya'll! Be sure a drop me a note to wish me lots of sunshine at the beach :) Have a great Memorial Day weekend—those of you who are stateside anyway! Love you all so much!**

* * *


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: **_**Twilight**_** belongs to Stephanie Meyer. I'm back from vacation and eager to get the next chapter to you. If you didn't get a response from me on your last review, it's because I was a little tipsy when I started responding and now I can't remember where I left off! So thank you, thank you, thank you for reading and reviewing and I will hit you back this time for sure! **

**A quick note so you're not confused. The first part of this chapter dips back in time a little bit; it fits in while Edward was still at school. I should have written it into the last chapter, but again…blame it on the alcohol? ;)**

**A little refresher from the last chapter:**

_On a cloudy day, we could bike through Tuscany. That was something I had never done. It had always seemed like something you should do with someone special…and now I had finally found her._

"_You're special, Bella, you're so very special." I cooed to her as the clock struck 4:52._

* * *

Chapter 9: Immortality Attained

**BPOV**

The pain had progressed to the point where I couldn't count anymore. I would try but I couldn't remember the last number I had thought. If I could finally remember it, I couldn't remember what number came next. I grew tired of counting to three over and over.

I wondered what it would be like when this madness ended. They had told me it would end. Promised me. Three days, they said. Was my time up yet? I had no way of keeping time now. I was stuck at nine weeks when Edward left. And I had no way of knowing if or when he was back.

Edward. How I hated the way I longed for him!

I was trapped inside my mind, unable to do anything but feel pain and reflect on my endless horror. I tried to think about the good things they had told me. I would beautiful maybe even special when this was over…_if_ this was ever over. Was this normal? Had something gone wrong? Was I trapped in this state forever? Unable to live…unable to die. My hate for Edward only grew stronger as the flames inside me blazed hotter.

It was an endless cycle in my mind. I would try so hard to dwell on something nice. Inevitably, that would lead to thoughts of Edward. He was so ingrained into everything I knew of my future lifestyle. When I thought about him, I would once again be consumed with anger and hatred as I contemplated the hopelessness he had cursed me with. Over and over, the same thoughts haunted me.

I often wondered if Esme was still by my side. Had Carlisle come in to check on me? Was Edward back yet? Perhaps I was completely alone. Maybe they had given up on me.

I was a hamster in a wheel, running ceaselessly with no goal in sight. Nothing in sight.

And suddenly there was a light. I couldn't see it…I couldn't feel it like I had before either. But my mind knew it was there. And my mind knew what it was. Who it was.

He was back. My hope that this torture would eventually end was restored. And I hated that it was Edward who had brought it back to me. His presence also assured me that time had indeed passed. Two weeks had gone by, seven more to go. I dared not hope it would be any less than that. Hoping that it would end in seven was enough to ask for.

I focused on the light and let the burning consume my mind as it had the rest of my body.

**EPOV**

One short breath entered her mouth as I said those last words. Her body shot straight off the bed without even sitting first. She was fast. There she was huddled in the corner, just like in Alice's vision.

This was it. _Now or never_. The moment I had been psyching myself up for all day. I had to kiss her while I still had the chance. She might never let me touch her again. I knew how it would end, but I crossed the room anyway.

"Bella," I said softly as I reached down and took her hand. I looked into her bright red eyes and saw nothing but calculation. She was thinking about something very intently, and vainly, I hoped it was me. I pulled her up gently from her from her crouching pose. She blinked once; strange, since we only blinked to fit in with humans. The instinct just isn't there because the action isn't necessary.

I moved my face slowly toward hers. She didn't resist. I gave her plenty of time to turn her head. She just stared at me, intently studying me. My lips pressed gently against her tight mouth and for the slightest moment I thought maybe the kiss would be returned. The movement I felt beneath my lips suggested that she was giving it back to me. But Alice's vision was right. Her lips moved, but not to kiss me. Her lips moved to speak.

"Fuck you," she whispered sadly as she withdrew her face from mine and raised her hand to slap me. I knew it was coming and I could have ducked. But I took it willingly because I knew I deserved it. That and much more. It did sting, by the way, immensely.

**BPOV**

I felt a hand on my arm, but it wasn't cold. I wondered briefly if I was home in bed with Renee shaking me to wake me up from a horrible nightmare. _This would make a killer novel_. But the light was still there. It was all real.

I wondered why Edward's hand wasn't cold and then I realized the burning had stopped. I noticed I hadn't breathed in a long time. I took a short breath and tasted the air. "…Bella, you're so very special," I heard a heavenly voice say. Suddenly all my senses came back to life, but more than life…afterlife.

It was like when I was burning only magnified infinitely. Not only could I taste the air, I could taste every inanimate object in the room. A wooden desk. An alarm clock atop it. A hundred other flavors all at once. I knew exactly where everything around me was sitting without opening my eyes. Carlilse and Esme were standing just inside the door frame. I could smell them individually and together. I could judge the distance to each down to the millimeter. The symphony blared into my brain like I had been wearing a set of headphones connected to a powerless stereo and someone suddenly turned the stereo on at full blast. In all of the sensory excess, the one thing that stood out above all the rest was my light.

Edward.

His hand was warm against my skin. He was supposed to be cold, my brain told me, but his touch was balmy, soft, and more electrifying than the first day he had touched me outside the meadow.

His voice was like a song I'd never heard. My instincts told me to put it on repeat until I knew it by heart.

His scent was a bouquet of aromas I couldn't describe. So many scents I didn't know existed…did they have names?

His light shone brighter than ever in my lidded eyes. I wondered what he would look like the first time my new eyes beheld him. Would still look like the gorgeous boy I saw from across the cafeteria?

His taste was overwhelming and yet he was 2.86 feet away from my lips. It made my mouth water. But it wasn't water at all, was it?

_Your bodily fluids are drying up, Bella_, I recalled Esme had said, _all the liquids in your body are turning to venom… _

_Venom_. I was a vampire.

At the realization, I was frightened by what I was and everything that surrounded me. I didn't know why either. It seemed irrational to me. I shot straight out of the bed as I opened my eyes for the first time. I ran for the corner of the room, the point furthest from the three vampires currently occupying my comfort zone. Apparently I had a very wide comfort zone.

I crouched down protectively. My body made the movements so I knew some part of my brain must be telling it what to do and how to do it. I was not in touch with that part of my brain because my actions seemed so foreign to me. _I probably look like an idiot_, I thought to myself. Suddenly realized, I wasn't a vampire. Well, okay, yes, I was a vampire. But what I realized was this: I was Bella Swan stuck inside a vampire's body.

Aside from the heightened senses, the survivalist instincts, and the ridiculously fast movements, I still felt like…me. They told me all this stuff about how I would be so…different. I was actually kind of disappointed. It's not like I had reason to be Bella anymore. Everyone she had loved thought she was dead. She should be. I felt like the same old Bella in fancy clothes. Speaking of fancy clothes, _what the hell am I wearin_g?

Edward began to approach me as I contemplated an eternity's worth of questions in a matter of seconds. Was it good or bad that I was still me? What was different? Should so much be the same? "Bella," he said as he reached down for my hand. That was when I saw his face for the first time.

Well, not the first time because he did, indeed, look like the same boy I had seen across the cafeteria. But yes, for the first time, because he was so very different. Sharper. Clearer. Brighter even, like he had swallowed the light he put off whenever my eyes were closed. As he pulled me up, I shut my eyes for a fraction of a second to see if the light was still there.

Yep, still there. He started moving his face toward mine and my first impulse was to kiss him first. _Kiss Edward?!_ That was clearly this screwed up body talking because the irate girl inside would be having none of that. His lips touched mine, as I spoke my first words as a vampire.

"Fuck you," I whispered and I smacked him. My hand flew so fast and hard he didn't even see it coming. I was fast. And strong. I mentally added those qualities to the list of positives…and the urge to kiss Edward to the negatives.

Edward backed away as he rubbed his cheek with his hand. "I'm sorry, Bella," he said, "for everything." Just then I heard Alice's small feet bounding up the stairs and I let out a hiss. _A hiss? Really?_ I knew Alice. She had been kind to me on the fist day of school, smiling and waving. She had gently changed my clothes and assured me that everything would be okay. She was the one who figured out how to comfort me while I was burning. Why was I hissing at her? Edward studied the confusion on my face but said nothing.

Through my peripheral vision, which was practically 360 degrees now, I saw Carlisle take one slow step forward. "Bella, what you're experiencing is a perfectly normal reaction. Vampires have a very self-protective instinct, especially around others of our kind."

"It's okay, Bella, we won't hurt you," Alice said as she crossed the room and threw her arms around me. Her skin was warm now too. I realized that must mean my skin was cold like theirs. I didn't return the hug at first. I just sort of stood there in her grasp my, arms at my side, as my mind raced with questions and sensations. My eyes never left Edward's anguished gaze. Eventually I figured she wasn't going to let go any time soon so I picked my hands up and placed them around her back. My hands moved so much faster than I could even believe. It was like I told my body to do something and it complied before I had even finished the thought.

"Whoa, Bella, you're strong," Alice said as she struggled to extricate herself from my grasp. _Move your hands_, I thought, and they shot back down to my sides. So rigid, so awkward. I looked at her apologetically before returning my stare to Edward; I hadn't even thought I was gripping her lightly. She laughed, "It's nothing, Bella, everyone is really strong at first, it just takes some getting used to." I nodded to acknowledge her words, but it was so fast I wondered if she even saw it.

"So, now what?" I asked to no one in particular though my eyes were still focused on Edward. It seemed like the only fitting thing to say. Edward said nothing, he just stood, firm like stone pleading for forgiveness with his expression.

Carlisle spoke up again, "Now you hunt, Bella. You'll need to satisfy that thirst."

"Thirst?" I questioned.

"Yes," he replied, "do you feel that burning in the back of your throat? That's your thirst."

"Ohhh," I said aloud as I put the pieces together in my mind. "I'd hardly even noticed that with everything else going on in here," I said using a hand to motion from my head to my toes.

"It's a lot to take in, I know," Esme said, her beautiful voice purring in my ears.

"Esme," I asked tentatively, "could you…laugh for me?"

She laughed a genuine, surprised laugh and asked why. "Just wondering…" I trailed off as I took in the remaining notes of her laughter. The sound was just as stunning as I had remembered, only more. Magnified like everything else. I wondered what Edward's gorgeous laughter would sound like to my new ears but I stopped myself. I committed that I would try to keep my irrational feelings of attraction for Edward at bay. I would lock them up tight and focus on the logical things I should feel toward him: anger and hatred.

I felt my expression change from wonder to fury and Alice noticed. Hell, everyone might have noticed. "Let's hunt!" she said enthusiastically.

"But I…I don't know how…" I was afraid of the unknown.

"It will come naturally, Bella. I've seen it. You'll do great!" I was comforted by the thought that Alice could see the future. Suddenly, I had a million questions for her. I wondered if it was a burden for her; they must be running to her all the time, inquiring about the future. I wondered also if Edward asked her these questions…questions about me.

"Alright, Alice. Let's go, but just the two of us, okay? I don't want to look like an idiot in front of everyone."

Edward laughed and I remembered what he had said to me in the meadow, _Bella, in a million years, you could never look like an idiot_. Well, he was wrong then and could just as easily be wrong now.

I was right about his laugh. It was even more alluring. Even though his eyes didn't sparkle like I had remembered; he was much too sad for that. Sad because I had just slapped him. _Well, duh, Edward, what did you think…that I would just hop off the bed and into your arms? _

I was pissed at myself for feeling the slightest bit of remorse for my reaction to his kiss. Part of me had truly wanted to return it but I was determined to ignore that part of me. I was relieved to be leaving him for awhile. Maybe I could think more clearly when he wasn't around. Most of all, I needed some answers, and I hung a lot of hope on Alice to get them for me.

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**A/N: Thanks so much to Malmo722 who rec'd this story in the last chapter of the glorious Star Mile, despite my apprehension. If you haven't read Star Mile…well, what are you waiting for?! It's so twisty and surprising and just genius. Love you, girl! **

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	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: **_**Twilight**_** belongs to Stephanie Meyer.**

Chapter 10: Questions Answered

**BPOV**

Alice sprang out the open window and I didn't even hesitate to follow her. As I jumped I realized what I was doing and I was frightened for a fraction of a second. But my body landed nimbly on the ground. I looked up at the window three flights above me in amazement.

"Don't be surprised, Bella, your body is capable of so much more than you can imagine." Alice said as she broke into a run and urged me to follow after her.

I tried to explain myself. "Yeah, it feels weird, like being in someone else's body…but not."

"What do you mean?" she asked as we ran.

"It's just that…I thought I'd feel so much different. I mean, in some ways I do…the senses and the speed and even the thirst…that's all different. But I'm still me. Same old insecure, confused Bella."

She gave me that "I don't get it" look and I continued trying to put it into words. "I guess I was hoping I'd be beautiful or special or something…hoping all the stuff I hated about myself would pass away. It's my first day as a vampire and I already feel like I'm failing at it."

Alice took in a sharp gasp. "Oh, but you are beautiful, Bella, and so special." I rolled my eyes it sounded like something my mom would say when I was down on myself. It was nice and all, but really, that's just what you say. It doesn't really mean anything to the person who hears it.

She stopped abruptly when I didn't respond and pulled a compact from her back pocket. "Humor me, Bella," she said.

I stopped and turned, looking into the small mirror. I gasped. I was filled with regret for the vain feelings that coursed through me. I _was_ beautiful. Esme was right…my best features were enhanced and the ones I had always despised were no longer even noticeable. I was flawless except for…my eyes.

"My eyes, Alice…" I stammered.

"Didn't anyone tell you? They're going to be red like that for awhile…up to a year. It's because of the human blood in your body. Once it's fully gone the color will fade. Unless…"

"Unless what, Alice?" I said in horror. Had something gone wrong? Could my eyes be like this forever?

"Unless you…feed on a human."

"Never. That won't happen." I said decidedly.

"How can you say never? You haven't even been near one yet."

"But I couldn't take a human life. I just couldn't. I'm freaked out enough about the thought of animal blood—human blood would be…unbearable."

"Do something for me."

"What?" I asked, skeptical.

"Decide you're going to go confront a human."

"Alice, I can't let anyone in Forks see me, I'm dead, remember? And I have blazing red frickin' eyes!"

"No, no, the thing is I can't see what will happen in the future until someone makes a decision…every decision affects the future."

"What if I'm wrong, Alice. What if I'll hurt someone?"

"Oh, suddenly not so sure, huh?" she asked grinning.

"Can you stop me?"

"Probably not Bella, you're much too strong and fast for me but that can only make your decision more firm, knowing you can't be stopped. Try it, Bella."

What was she thinking? This was so risky! I tried to think about a person I didn't know, I decided I would just head for a sparsely populated area where I'd be unlikely to run into anyone I knew. The docks would be a good place. I tried to imagine myself going there, seeking out a human.

Alice closed her eyes for a long moment. "You're right," she said, opening her eyes and looking less than surprised. "You wouldn't. If you went there right now, you'd come across an old fisherman. You'd watch him from a distance and just turn around a leave, even after smelling him."

I felt relief wash through me. I felt no need to carry through with the test though, Alice's vision was enough to abate my curiosity for one day. I had no idea what the thirst would really feel like if I were near a human. I knew I wasn't ready to experience it yet.

"Doesn't that make you feel good, Bella?"

"Why? Should it?"

"Well, it means that the Bella that's left in you—the human parts of you that you're so disappointed with, like your aversion to blood—that stuff is going to make you a better vampire...not less of one."

I contemplated this as Alice motioned for us to start running again. _Interesting_. Could I be both Bella, the human _and_ Bella, the vampire simultaneously? Could my residual humanity truly even make me a _better_ vampire…a special vampire?

"What else did you want to ask me, Bella?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Back at the house, I saw that you decided to ask me something but your mind was running pretty wild, I couldn't quite figure out the question."

_Wow_. What an amazing gift Alice had. "Well, it's kind of a stupid question." Now that I actually had the chance to ask her, I was chickening out.

Alice shook her head. "Come on, Bella, ask me."

"Ok, but I warned you. Is it normal to feel something about…or I mean, like see something in the person who transformed you…I mean, the one who bit you?" The question came out so garbled I wondered if she understood what I meant. I kind of hoped she didn't.

"Well, I don't actually remember my transformation…I don't remember anything about my life before burning. But what do you mean 'see something?' I don't understand."

"Nevermind. It's stupid, like I said." But Alice wouldn't leave it at that. I was learning a lot about her quickly. Persistent little pixie. I tried to organize my thoughts. My mind raced with images of Edward, both before and behind my eyes. I finally spit it out. "Edward…all through the time I was burning, and even now…when I close my eyes I can see a light, like an aura…I can feel his presence."

"So you could tell when Edward was there…the whole time?" She looked at me with wide eyes.

"Yes, even when none of my senses were working…all I could feel was pain and…my light."

"Bella, I'm going to say this and it's going to sound very presumptuous, okay?"

"Alright," I said hesitantly. I truly did want to know what she had to say so I braced myself for the answer I might not want to hear.

"I think the reason you see Edward like that, why you feel him that way…is that he's your soul mate."

_Ha!_ "You're right, Alice, presumptuous…'soul mates' is usually a term used to describe two people who feel _mutual_ affinity."

"You're telling me that Edward is your light and yet you feel _nothing_ for him? Sounds contradictory to me."

I noticed how natural this conversation felt when it should have been so awkward. Here I was running though the woods in the middle of the night with someone I barely knew, talking to her honestly about my feelings for her brother. I felt like I'd known Alice all my life. It felt like…girl talk.

"It's not that I don't have _any_ of those kind of feelings for him...but the part of me that wants to hate him is so much stronger."

"Then there's hope for you two yet," she said, laughing. I grimaced at the word "hope" being used in conjunction with Edward and I. And she still didn't answer my question.

"Fine, I'll just ask Esme about the light thing."

"Bella, that's just you, I can tell you for sure. Carlisle changed not only Esme, but Edward, Rosalie, and Emmett too. I know they feel an even stronger bond with him than I do, but they don't feel that. Esme has never mentioned it either."

"Soul mate…" I muttered under my breath as I allowed myself to accelerate past Alice.

"Hey, Bella," she said from behind me, "you're pretty fast…I wonder who will win a foot race, you or Edward?"

Then I blurted it out, my biggest question. One that only Alice could answer. "Do you see us together, Alice, Edward and I?"

"I can't answer that question, Bella," she said regretfully.

"Why not? What have you seen?"

"You change your mind so often. Sometimes I'll see a flash of the two of you…talking, laughing, kissing even. But I see other things too. Fighting, screaming…you leaving."

"I can…I can leave?" I guessed I had considered it briefly while I was burning but I hadn't really thought it was an option.

"Of course, you can, Bella. We're not going to hold you hostage here. But we all hope you'll stay, you know."

"Where would I go, with these crazy bright red eyes? I don't even know how to feed myself yet." I was so helpless.

"There are lots of places vampires can live but I hope you'll find that you belong here, with us. We already feel like you're a part of the family. Esme has been hopelessly addicted to you since the first time she saw you. Emmett is brimming with excitement over having someone in the house who'll be strong enough to hold their own with him...at least until your newborn strength wears off."

"Wears off?" I questioned, not sure if that was bad or good. "Strong" was one of the things I had added to the positives category.

"Yeah, it's like the eyes, once the human blood gets thoroughly out of your system, you'll kind of…even out."

"Anything else?" After over two days of vampire school there was still so much I didn't know about myself.

"No, the absence of human blood won't affect your sensory capacity but it will slow you down a little."

I cringed again at just the idea of drinking blood, especially human blood. "How am I going to do this, Alice?"

"You'll see Bella, I promise, it just comes naturally. There, Bella, do you smell that?"

I took a deep breath and knew exactly what she was talking about. It was an animal…large but young, probably only 400 pounds. I could hear it lapping water, and I turned to follow its scent toward the river. I could tell Alice was lagging behind and I slowed my pace a little, amazed by how exciting the thrill of the hunt was. I still didn't know what I would do when I got there, but I felt so alive as the fire burned hotter in my throat. The thirst propelled me toward my prey.

"What kind of animal is it, Alice?"

"It's an elk. Soon you'll be able to tell what scents belong to which animals. It won't take long."

"We're almost there…what do I do?" I was getting nervous as we approached.

"Do what feels natural, Bella. Let your instincts take over!"

I told myself not to over think it. To just let it come. I charged forward, leaving Alice in the dust.

As I cleared a tall, thick patch of brush, I saw the elk and felt the thirst surge in my throat. I knew he didn't see me; I was too fast, too stealthy. In my whole life no one could have ever described me as "stealthy" until now. I tried to push away Bella-like thoughts and focus on my instincts. I pounced the elk and just as my teeth were about to sink into its warm flesh, I stopped. I jumped up off of the animal and smacked it on the rear to get it to run away. Bella was afraid of the blood. Bella was afraid of killing a living being. The thirst burned me in anger against her.

Just then Alice arrived, landing a springing step lightly behind me. "Gotta say, Bella, I didn't see that one coming, not until it was already happening anyway. You changed your mind at the last second. What happened?"

"I chickened out! I couldn't let myself do it!"

"Bella, I've never seen a vampire with so much control of mind. It's impressive really."

"No, it's painful actually. The thirst is getting stronger."

"And it will continue to get stronger until your body gets what it needs. Come on, let's try again."

We ran deeper into the woods, parallel to the river. After a few minutes, I smelled something else. It smelled sweeter, juicer. "What is that, Alice?" I asked darting onto the trail of the scent.

"It's a bear, Bella. It might not be the best choice for your first hunt."

"But it smells so good, so sweet!" I whined as I continued on the trail.

All at once I came up on him. No, it was a her. Something in her scent told me so. I stopped in my tracks and crouched into an attack pose. I was not going to override my body's orders again. Just as I was about to lunge for her she turned her massive body, revealing two small cubs. She rose up on to her hind legs in defense, but I was already gone, running back down the trail the way I came.

I stopped short of colliding with Alice. "Not again!?" she yelled.

"Sorry, Alice, she had cubs, I just couldn't let myself do that." I felt really bad for wasting her time and I told her so.

"You're not wasting my time, Bella. Believe me, there's nothing I'd rather do than spend time with my new little sister!" Alice's face sparkled with delight.

"Who are you callin' little, you pixie?!" I teased and we both laughed. I thought that despite all the major fails I'd committed tonight, something really good had come out of this trip. I felt bonded to Alice in a way I never had to anyone before. I'd never had a sister, never even had a cousin to play with growing up. _This_, I thought, _must be what it's like._

"Third times a charm?" she questioned.

"I hope so, the thirst is only growing. It reminds me too much of the burning I felt during the past couple days, which sucked by the way," I said as we headed back toward the river to follow our original path.

"I know Bella, it is terrible. Just imagine if the burning was the first and only thing you could remember."

"Why is that, do you think…that you have no memories?"

"I don't know really…Carlisle thinks that something really traumatic must have happened to me as a human and I had repressed it, after becoming a vampire, those memories are now impossible to retrieve. He's tried a lot of alternative medicine type mumbo jumbo therapies on me and nothing has worked. All that psychological evaluation stuff makes me nervous for some reason."

"Huh, and what's with the future telling, you think?"

"I must have had some kind of sixth sense as a human, according to Carlisle. Our special abilities are usually carried over from some outstanding human trait we carried."

I wondered again if there was something special about me and was about to voice my musings to Alice. Then I smelled something in the distance. An elk. Not the same one, this one's scent was slightly different but had the same musk about it.

"An elk?" I questioned, showing off a little.

"Yes, Bella, very good! Now, let yourself do it this time, like we talked about." I raced off ahead of her, "Instincts!" she called out.

_Instincts, instincts, instincts_. I thought it over and over again, like a mantra, as I lunged forward. Suddenly I looked down at the ground, a limp elk body lay beneath me. The thirst was all but gone, just a warm tingle in the back of my throat. It felt good to give into my instincts, to let my body take over, to not have to think. Thinking was all I had done for days. The release of the hunt was just what I needed, numbing my mind, feeling nothing but satiation.

"You did it!" Alice squealed from behind me. I stood up from the ground quickly as I wiped my mouth and examined my hands. Not a drop of blood to be seen, thank God.

"And you didn't even get any on your new Versace," she said through a beaming smile.

"Oh, so you're the one who put me in this get-up," I accused playfully.

"Wait until you see all the great stuff I've picked out for you, I ordered you the whole spring line!"

I could tell Alice really liked fashion and I had a lot to learn in that area. _And plenty of time to learn it_, I thought as I realized I wasn't tired. All that running and I wasn't slightly exasperated. "No need for sleep" was added to the list of positives. I wasn't crazy about getting dressed up, but that was probably because I never had the money or the time. It seemed like that wouldn't be an issue anymore. This would be something Alice and I could continue to bond over and I was grateful for it.

I really examined the dress for the first time, noticing the way it hugged my perfect body…perfectly. _Wow_. "Thanks for this by the way," I said motioning towards my body, "it probably cost a fortune."

Alice nodded toward the house and we began running as she spoke, "Money's not really anything to us…I'm quite attuned to the future of the stock market." We both laughed, and I remembered feeling envious of Edward that day in the meadow when he spoke of his travels to Europe. Now I too had unlimited time and resources. If I chose to stay with the Cullens, that is.

"It really is a great life you all have, Alice." I said absently.

"It is Bella. I'm glad you feel that way…because it's your life too, if you want it."

I didn't say anything and Alice didn't press. I was much obliged. It wasn't something I could just decide on the spot. It would be a decision that took a lot of careful thought and there was still so much I didn't know, not just about being a vampire, but about being a Cullen as well.

We traveled the rest of the way home in silence. Not an awkward silence, just…peaceful. The pace I kept to make sure I ran side by side with Alice felt slow to me and I wondered just how fast I could really go if I tried. I felt alive with possibility and I longed for the next time I could really let myself go again, like I did on the hunt. As we approached the house I tried a little experiment. I closed my eyes and there it was…my light.

Edward was in the living room and as we got closer I could hear the soft, melodic sounds of the piano more clearly. It was a song I'd never heard before. It started out light and happy but the notes grew darker and more ominous as it wore on. Suddenly the music stopped and Edward rose to meet us on the back porch.

"You're back," he said. "I trust the hunt went well…" he trailed off, listening to Alice's recollections of my failed attempts, I assumed.

He laughed and his golden eyes sparkled. I fought the urge to reach out and caress his eyebrow. It called to me, to run my fingers along its soft arch.

"Yes, it went well…eventually." I said, biting my lower lip. I hoped Alice wasn't filling him in on our entire conversation.

"Well, come in won't you, there are some folks here that are just dying to get reacquainted with you." He held the door open and motioned for me to go inside. As I passed him I felt warmth radiating off of his body and I yearned to let my body fall into it. I wouldn't give in; I hurried into the house and saw five sets of honey eyes alive with excitement.

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**A/N: So it would seem that Bella still has her unparalleled self-control even though she wasn't around vampires for two years before she was changed. The circumstances of her transformation were different, yet she still exhibits similar qualities. Fate? Discuss. :) Thanks for rocking so hard, guys!**

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	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: **_**Twilight**_** belongs to Stephanie Meyer.**

Chapter 11: Welcome Home

**EPOV**

I worried intensely about her the whole time she was gone. It was selfish, but I had vowed never be apart from her. I had also vowed to give her everything she wanted, and she wanted to do this without me. I wondered dismally what else she would want to do without me. _Everything?_ It was possible. I sat down at the piano and began to play a tune that had been forming in my mind since that day in the meadow.

It was light and beautiful, like Bella. Fair and lovely, like Bella. As I recalled the moments that had lead to this one, the tune grew darker. The notes deepened as I remembered her pain. Crying out for me to get away from her, crying out for me to stay. _Fuck you_, her angry, sad whisper rang in my mind. I could still feel the sting of her hand as it struck my face.

She had stared at me so intently. Her bright red eyes came through in the song, blinding proof that I had hurt the woman I loved. I begged her for forgiveness with my face. It never came. Would it ever come?

I heard Alice's thoughts before I heard their footsteps approaching. _We're almost home, Edward. She's amazing! I can't wait for you to get to know her. _I stopped playing abruptly and headed to the back porch to greet them. Everyone gathered in the living room behind me. The electricity was palpable. They were almost as excited to see her as I was. Almost.

I spoke first while listening to Alice fill me in on the events of the hunt. _Twice she let the kill go, Edward, twice!_ As excited as I was to see Bella, I was also ready to get Alice alone so I could prod her until she told me everything they had talked about. It was devious, but I had to know! I was so used to knowing everything from reading thoughts. In the case of Bella, the one person I wanted most to know, I could hear nothing. Did she say anything about me? Here is this most bizarre situation, I felt that same silly teenager in me again. It was just like the kinds of things I heard kids at school thinking about all day. Silly. I _had_ to know what she thought about me.

Bella walked past me into the house and her scent wafted into my senses. I would have thought it was impossible, but without warm blood and a beating heart, her scent was impossibly more appealing. Perhaps it was because I could really appreciate it without the distraction of her blood. Or perhaps it was because I loved her so hopelessly that every other smell paled in comparison.

"Bella!" Emmett yelled, bounding toward her. "I hear you're strong!" He said as he grabbed her up in his arms. "I can't wait to test you out!"

"Uh, thanks…Emmett, right?" She said as he placed her feet back on the floor.

"That's me! Listen, Bell, can I call you Bell? Whenever you're up for an arm wrestling tournament, just let me know," he grinned wildly.

Bella just smiled and laughed. I was a little indignant at how warmly Emmett was received. Hell, he already had a nickname for her and I could barely speak to her!

Next Alice introduced Jasper. She informed him that Bella was "nothing like any other newborn you've ever met." She went on to explain how Bella had pretty much no desire for human blood and that she was so in control of herself, in fact, that she almost didn't get any dinner.

"Wow," Jasper said as he offered his hand. Bella reached out to grab his hand and gave him a firm shake. "You're very well in control of your emotions as well, Bella, I can feel you suppressing them."

Bella looked a little embarrassed as she removed her hand quickly from Jaspers grip. I searched his thoughts. _She's conflicted. There's pleasure and fear warring inside her over her new situation_. _There is also desire…and_ _revulsion_. Jasper looked at me pointedly as if he knew I was reading his mind. _Over you, brother_. Yeah, he knew.

I looked away, feeling like I had been exposed to something I shouldn't have seen. It felt like I had violated her. It wasn't anything she wanted me to know obviously. I put the revulsion on the back burner. _Desire_, he had thought. _Desire_.

Rosalie stepped up and gave Bella a much warmer greeting that I would have bet on. Probably a "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" kind of tactic. She was slightly intimidated by Bella's striking beauty. _It's not that she's prettier than me, just pretty in a _different_ way._

"You keep telling yourself that, Rose," I said sarcastically and she hissed.

"That's enough of that you two," Esme said as she crossed the room toward Bella.

At Bella's look of confusion over the exchange between Rosalie and I, Esme explained, "You'll get used to having a mind reader in the house, Bella. You hear a lot of one sided conversations around here." She glanced reprovingly at me and I smiled.

Esme place one hand on Bella's head and the other under her chin. I was jealous that Bella allowed her this kind of contact. "Let me get a good look at you, Bella."

Bella smiled as Esme ran her hand through Bella's hair—the way I had imagined a thousand times, gentle and loving. "Just beautiful," Esme cooed, beholding her reverently. Carlisle piped up before Bella could get uncomfortable with Esme's overly motherly affection.

"Well, Bella. What do you think?" Carlisle asked.

"About what?" Bella asked, obviously not wanting to give up any unnecessary information.

Carlisle chuckled and went on, "Well, about being a vampire, I guess."

"Oh," Bella nodded slightly, a little embarrassed again. I felt bad for all the attention she was receiving, I knew it was too much, too soon. "Well, I feel pretty good…pretty freaking amazing actually…" We all laughed and everyone's pins-and-needles mood lightened. I saw Jasper breathe a sigh of relief as the tension dissipated. "The hunt, the rush of it all of this sensory stimulation…it's like being on some kind of a high, I think, and I'm just wondering when it will all come crashing down."

No one said anything for a long moment because we all knew exactly what she was talking about, except maybe Alice. Bella felt good right now, learning, discovering herself. But we all knew a time would come when she would look back and think about her human life…and her heart would break all over again. We had all done it at some point, some of us more than once. Sunken into a deep depression, contemplating the meaninglessness of an endless life. Begged for death, rather than face the prospect of living forever. Bawled over our lost humanity, but never felt the relief of wet tears stream down our faces.

Emmett had the easiest time dealing with saying goodbye to his past. Once he finally came down off the rush of being invincibly strong, ruthlessly handsome, and fearlessly in love with Rosalie, it hit him like a ton of bricks. Well, in his case, it would take several tons, but I digress. I remembered the day so vividly, as I could any day of the 90-some years that had passed since I became a vampire.

Rosalie had gone out shopping with Carlisle and Esme. Emmett was in no condition to be around humans yet, even after about a year and a half. We were staying in BFE, Alaska at the time. We had to get Emmett away from a populated area as his thirst wasn't yet under control. We had been living south of Forks in Hoquiam, but with the treaty we had made with the Quileutes, we couldn't afford for him to make any more mistakes.

The taste of polar bear sprang to my mind. _Pretty yummy as far as bears go_. Too bad we couldn't hunt them anymore, highly endangered these days…_hope that wasn't our fault_. If humans only knew how many of their unexplained natural and supernatural phenomenons were actually caused by vampires…well, there'd be nothing left for conspiracy theorists to dwell on.

Emmett and I were alone for a long while and I my eternally bad attitude started to rub off on him. He started to reminisce about his family and eventually we moved on to mulling over the purpose of our existence. We probably sounded like two drunks in a bar just before last call. It was pretty much Emmett's one and only moment of self-pity. He laid his head in my lap while he cried. Like all of us had, he only cried harder when he realized the tears would never come.

It was Rosalie who brought him out of it. They arrived home, arms full of shopping bags, and even though it's not like they could possibly be heavy to her, she was pissed that Emmett didn't jump up and run outside to carry them in for her. She burst through the door, cussing up a storm. When she saw his limp form draped across my lap, she looked him straight in the eye and said, "Stop being such a pussy, Emmett, get up and carry these bags for me." I smiled as I recalled that moment. He jumped up and did just as she said. She spent the next five hours bossing him around and then they finally made love for the first time…and for the next 10 years pretty much. Thirst became Emmett's second vice after that day.

Bella noticed my smile and looked at me questioningly. Before I could explain, Esme chimed, "Almost time for school, kiddos!"

I wanted to wine like a bratty little kindergartener and I might have if the object of my affection hadn't been standing there watching me. That would definitely not help me win her heart. "Esme, I think I'm going to quit. I mean, with Bella being here alone all day, if you get a project or something…"

I was grasping at straws. I tried to tell her with my eyes, _I don't want to leave her, Esme! _

"Don't worry, Edward, I have cleared my schedule for the foreseeable future…no pun intended, Alice," she said with a quirky wink.

She was seriously just as embarrassingly dorky as a real mom should be.

"But, Esme," I stammered.

"Look, Edward, don't let me get in the way of your life," Bella said a little too enthusiastically. The look in her eyes seared me. Like being within feet of my presence was suffocating her.

She didn't want me here. I wouldn't force it. "Okay," I said, "let's get going," as I turned for the stairs to throw on a quick change of clothes. The others followed behind me. _Patience, Edward. Give her time_, Alice thought as I shut my bedroom door just a little too hard.

Time I had plenty of…patience; however, was not my strong suit.

**BPOV  
**

Talk about overload. This was just like the first day of school all over again…except only one guy was ogling me this time. Edward. To think, he was the only one I had actually wanted starring at me that day! Carlisle said something about heading to work and asked Esme if the two of us would be okay today.

"Yes, dear, Bella and I will get along just fine," she replied.

And we did, we talked for hours. I had so many questions about vampires. A lot of basic physiological questions mostly. Would my hair grow? Did I need to brush my teeth anymore? How long before my thirst would return? In a week or so, she said, it was different for everybody. It would probably take about two weeks for it to become unbearable.

I decided against asking her about "the light thing," I didn't want to give her any false hope about Edward and I. Plus I didn't want to hear the words "soul mate" again. Eventually, conversation drifted that way anyway. Some time after noon I heard the sound of a truck starting up in the garage. Esme heard it too, but she waved it off and continued with her course of conversation.

"Bella, I know he's my son and I'm biased, but Edward really is a wonderful person."

"Vampire, you mean, he's a wonderful vampire." I gave her a sharp glare, just to make sure she understood my meaning. I wasn't ready to overlook the fact that he bit me and turned me into a fucking vampire!

"True, but really Bella, deep down we're all still people, you most of all it seems."

"How can you tell?"

"You're still very much human, Bella, I can see it in you…the way you speak and act. And your control, you're amazing us all."

"Do you think that's a good thing, Esme, me being so human?"

"Oh, of course it is, Bella! You're so unique, so special just the way you are," she looked at me, her eyes warm with maternal love. I wanted so badly to believe her.

I heard the sound of the Volvo rolling up the driveway and braced myself for the long, sleepless night ahead.

**EPOV**

I walked Alice to class so I could be alone with her for a bit. Jasper relented her time unwillingly.

"I know what you're going to ask me Edward, and I'm prepared to do whatever I have to in order to keep you out of my head!"

"Tell me, Alice. What did she say about me?"

Immediately _Le Mis_ started playing in her mind.

"Dammit, Alice, give me something, please!" I begged her. Bella had reduced me to a groveling loser and I didn't care.

_I'll only tell you what you already know. She hates you, Edward_, Alice thought. _But she loves you too, she's just not ready to explore those feelings. _

"Love," I whispered the word, and it burned in my mouth, "Alice, are you sure?"

_Yes, I can say with absolute certainty. From what she's told me…she does. And from what I've seen…she does. But I can't promise she'll act on it. Not yet. _

I stared at her, still pleading as I read her thoughts…what had Bella told her to make her so positive?

_That's all you're getting, Edward. Now go to class and don't bother trying to get into my head either! I'll be thinking about Jazz…_

"Alright, alright," I said raising my hands in the air in surrender…I was not going to spend all day watching her and Jasper make sweet French love.

She kept her promise; every time I meandered over to Alice's mind the images were disgusting. But less abhorrent than they used to be thanks to Bella. It was kind of nice to be able to fanaticize about Bella without having to hold myself back. I had already done the one thing holding back couldn't prevent…what did I have to lose now?

So I let my mind wonder a little bit. When the third period bell rang, I realized I was actually drooling. Venom was seeping from my mouth. I wiped it away quickly, hoping no one had noticed. Images of Bella's naked body tortured me in the best way as I walked to the cafeteria with a notebook covering my zipper.

At lunch everyone was talking about Bella's memorial service tomorrow night. Alice said she had seen it and felt bad for Bella, even though she wasn't really dead. It would be a dismal affair. Plenty of people would show, but Charlie wasn't much of a planner under normal circumstances, and under duress like he was, it wouldn't be very well put on. Alice made a mental note to send plenty of flowers from anonymous mourners.

"Hey, what's the word on the cars?" I asked her after Rosalie and Emmett left for class. Alice said Rosalie's stereo would be delivered today. I was surprised she had caught that too. I had all but forgotten about my fleeting moment of gratitude toward Rosalie. The Porsche was on backorder, she said, but Bella's Ferrari should arrive in a couple weeks. I couldn't wait to give it to her…at this point, I was not above buying her love, if that's what it took.

The rest of the day passed in a blur of sordid images of Bella and I in compromising positions. At one point during Biology, Mr. Banner called on me to answer a question, and for once I had no idea what he was talking about. Mike Fucking Newton giggled from behind me. _The perfect Edward Cullen doesn't know the answer for once, that douche_. I searched the teacher's mind quickly for the answer and recovered nicely, sending a searing glance backward in Mike's direction. That shut him up.

When Spanish was finally over, I flew out the door straight for the Volvo, leaving Emmett in the dust behind me. Rosalie was already there and I wondered what Alice and Jasper might be up to but I stopped that line of thinking before it lead me to their thoughts.

"Alice and Jasper cut last period, apparently they've been spending too much time apart," Rose said with a sneer as we got into the car.

I was defensive. "Hey, Alice _offered_ to take Bella hunting last night. I'm sorry if Bella's getting in the way of your perfect lifestyle."

"It's not that, Edward," Rosalie said as Emmett made his way to the car, her face softening as it so rarely did, "it's that I see so much of myself in her—damned to this existence against her will. It's painful to watch it happening all over again, really."

Before I could make sense of Rosalie's seemingly heartfelt reflections, Emmett slid into the backseat. "Where's the other two lovebirds?" Rosalie gave him a sultry look and he understood.

"It's gonna be awesome, Edward, when we're all paired up," Emmett said excitedly as we left the parking lot. "You'll finally understand what Jasper and I have been talking about all these years!"

"_If_ we're all paired up, Em," I corrected him, "let's not get ahead of ourselves here."

"It's just going to take some time, bro, relax, it'll happen." Emmett was always so sure. Where my world was shaded with grey, his was always just black and white.

"Time! Time!" I shouted as I pounded my fists against the steering wheel.

_Watch it, Edward, that will be the second time I've replaced that thing this year!_ Rosalie thought.

"Everyone keeps telling me it will just take time. None of you had to wait!" I was getting so tired of hearing that, why did everyone else have it so easy?

"Stop being a baby, you're so dramatic sometimes. If you really love her, you'll give a little more…no, a lot more consideration to her feelings and not just your own," Rosalie spat with conviction.

I wanted to say something snarky about how Rosalie really considered Emmett's feelings most of the time, but I knew she was right. I was being a baby. A whiney, selfish 108 year old baby.

* * *

**A/N: Let's see if we can finally get Edward and Bella alone together in the next chapter, huh? ;) Thanks for reading and reviewing, guys! **

* * *


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: **_**Twilight**_** belongs to Stephanie Meyer. **

Chapter 12: Lesson Learned

**EPOV**

"Where are Alice and Jasper?" Esme called as we entered the front door. She and Bella were sitting at the dining room table like they hadn't moved all day. Bella. The images in my mind just didn't do her justice. She was so much more beautiful than even my highly capable vampire brain could capture and reproduce.

"We don't know, they skipped last period…guess you'll have to get on to them, mom," Emmett said laughing.

"What do you mean you don't know? Edward didn't you hear their plans?" Esme seemed kind of peeved…like I was everybody's keeper or something.

"Uh…I was kind of distracted during class today, I might not have been paying attention if Alice tried to tell me…something."

"It must have been them who took the Jeep out this afternoon," Esme said almost to herself but aloud. "Well, I'm sure the two of them can take care of themselves, I just worry like a mother, you know," she declared with a sad smile.

Bella spoke up. "But you are like a mother, Esme. No not like. You _are_ a mother. You should hear all the sweet things Edward says about you when you're not around."

Esme smiled and looked away from Bella. If she could have cried, she probably would have. "Well, in that case, I'm gonna leave you youngsters to do your own thing." She rose from the table and planted a soft kiss on the top of Bella's head. I kind of felt like crying too.

"Thanks for that," I said after Esme had left the room.

Rosalie and Emmett retreated to the living room, turning on the TV and pretending not to listen. I stood there gripping the back of one of the wooden chairs so hard I could feel it start to splinter as I waited for her response.

"It's true. Esme is really great. I'd hate for her to think any less of herself." An awkward pause followed and I got that strange first date feeling again. Only this time it was a first date with a girl who hated my guts.

Bella closed her eyes briefly and then broke the silence with a deep exhale, "Esme was right, you're a really great piano player." She spoke curtly, almost forced as she fidgeted with the dress fabric in her lap, avoiding my gaze.

"You heard that, huh?"

"Yeah, vampire super hearing, remember?" she said motioning to her ears and I chuckled, "what was that song you were playing?"

"Uh, just something I'm writing…sometimes I'll get a tune in my head and I just can't get it out until it's finished."

"So, it's complete then, that song?" she asked, nodding her head and swallowing hard in that insecure way that she always had.

"No, uh, I'm not really sure how this one is going to end. These things take _time_."

**BPOV**

I had to check the light just once more to be sure. I closed my eyes and yes, it was still there. Apparently it wasn't a side effect of my transformation. Edward would always be a dim blur in front of my closed eyes. We were left alone in the dining room and the air was heavy with words that needed to be spoken, but I couldn't say them. I grasped for a distraction.

"Play for me?" I asked him. He looked back at me surprised. I continued, "It's just that I've never really had any musical ability, really…and now, with so much time on my hands…maybe I could learn?"

"Absolutely, Bella," he responded with a smile, "follow me."

He sat down at the piano bench, motioning for me to sit beside him. Rosalie rolled her eyes and clicked off the TV with the remote as I took my seat. "Come on, Emmett, let's go to the garage," Rosalie said as she stomped off.

Emmett smiled on his way out the door, "See ya, Bell!" I was so glad he hadn't chosen to call me Bells…that was what Charlie used to call me. I wasn't ready to be reminded of Charlie at every turn. Even then, I pushed the thought of him away and tried to focus on the piano keys.

"Don't worry about Rose, Bella, she can be a brat when she doesn't get her way," Edward assured me.

"What didn't she get?"

"Umm, she's just thinking that, well," he spoke hesitantly, "you're being too…nice to me."

_Distraction_. I changed the subject, not ready to deal with the perplexing being whose full bottom lip threatened to mesmerize the anger right out of me. "So tell me about piano. Start at zero, seriously, I don't know the first thing about playing."

Edward was a natural teacher. He wrote out a simple set of notes on a blank sheet of music staffs. I remembered a little about reading music from playing recorder in third grade and I was able to stumble my way around a bit with out looking like a complete doofus. _Every Good Boy Deserves Fudge_, I thought as I called out the notes.

"See, you do know the first thing, actually!" Edward said, smiling, as he nudged my arm with his elbow. _Entirely too flirty._ I scooted away from him a little and asked him where I should put my fingers.

He looked a like he felt a little rejected. _Good_, I thought, and my dead heart immediately sank. Shouldn't it feel good to hurt the person who hurt you? It didn't.

Edward put his hands on the keys and told me to do the same. "No, that's not quite it, move your right hand over…no, two keys…no, now back one."

I was fumbling around like an idiot as usual. _Shouldn't I be much more dexterous as a vampire?_ Finally Edward removed his hands from the keys and placed them on top of mine, while simultaneously sliding closer to me on the bench. His touch was warm and soft; like immersing my hands in soft butter, making apple pie crust on Thanksgiving morning. _I'll never celebrate Thanksgiving with my family again…_

He took his time repositioning my hands properly, as I sat dazed, staring at the black and ivory keys, feeling a sadness creep over me—a sadness not directly related to Edward, but caused by him nonetheless. I had lost everything because of him and yet I took comfort in the feel of his skin against mine. Once my hands were placed on the correct keys, he was reluctant to remove his slender fingers from my own.

"Okay, are you ready?" he asked as he finally took his hands off from on top of mine, and I felt their absence throughout my whole body.

I nodded my head yes. I had been practicing things like that today with Esme. Controlling my movements, keeping my speed in check. It was getting easier. Now if only learning the piano could be that simple.

"Just like this," he would say as if it was the easiest thing in the world, moving his fingers slowly but gracefully across the keys. I would try to copy his movements but graceful I was not. I put all my effort into the keys, not because I wanted to be great at playing, but because I wanted to push away the emptiness that still hung in the air around me, threatening to consume me if I allowed it. The piano was my distraction, my way of filling that impending emptiness with something pleasant—something that didn't remind me of anything I used to know. It wouldn't fix anything, sitting there ignoring reality, I knew, it was only a bandage, not a cure for my ailment. My bronze-haired, honey-eyed, life-altering ailment.

After a few hours of uninterrupted practice—of clashing, clanking notes drowning out my thoughts—I felt like I was really getting the hang of it.

"Excellent, Bella. You'll be playing 'Claire de Lune' in no time!" I smiled at the thought…_he remembered_.

"Someday," I said as I pounded out another round of "Old MacDonald."

"E, I, E, I, Oooooo," Edward was singing along as the door bell rang. Edward shot straight up from the piano bench. "Shit, it's UPS."

"So?" I shrugged my shoulders.

"A human, Bella."

"Relax, Edward, I'll leave the room," I said, standing and turning for the stairs. I had already been feeling the flame in my throat grow as the human ascended the driveway. It burned hotter as I acknowledged its presence and hotter still when I stood up against it. _I control this body_, I told myself, and the thirst seared me in protest, knowing it was powerless against my will.

Just then Rosalie and Emmett shot into the living room through the back door. "I'll watch her, Edward," Emmett said hurriedly, "come on, Bell."

"Guys, really, I smelled him a mile away," I said in a huff. They didn't believe me. "I don't 'vant to suck his blood!'" I said in my best Dracula impersonation. A laugh resounded from each of their perfect mouths, and they breathed a sigh of relief. The doorbell ran again.

"Better safe than sorry, Bell, come on I'll show you your room!" Emmett said, genuinely excited. His emotions were so overt; I couldn't imagine how he ever pulled anything over on anyone.

It occurred to me that I hadn't even seen the rest of the house, aside from the main living area and the study on the third floor, which I knew all too well. I followed Emmett as he bounded for the stairs and Edward crossed the room for the door. "Stay here, Rose," I heard Edward say as I reached the second floor, "it's for you."

I could still smell the delivery man and my throat continued to burn. But when I pictured him, I saw a man's face, I saw a wife and children, and I thought again that I could never take a human life. We headed all the way to the top floor and into the last room on the hall. "So this is it, you and Edward's room," he announced with a smile. I remembered something Esme had said about making changes _I_ would like to Edward's room…like adding a bed.

"You live in a mansion and I have to share a room?"

Emmett looked confused. "Well, we have our joint bedrooms and then each of us has like an individual study or a game room, so that's kinda…all of them."

"Well, it doesn't matter, I mean, it's not like I have to sleep or anything, right?" I just couldn't be a bitch to Emmett, none of this was his fault.

"You can totally have my game room, or Rose's study, we've been spending a lot of time in the garage lately anyway. Or Esme might agree to add on to the house."

"Oh, Emmett, that's really nice of you, but please don't worry about me. I don't want to be an inconvenience to any of you…" _except for Edward, maybe;_ he could hang out on the couch from now on.

"An inconvenience, Bell? Are you kidding? You're like the best thing that's ever happened to us since Alice and Jasper found us. We're a complete family now that you're here!" He was so genuine. I couldn't help but feel it was true.

Downstairs I heard Rosalie squealing. "Emmett!" she yelled. "Garage, now!"

"Well, I better go, duty calls," he said with a smirk.

"Thanks, Emmett, really," I said sincerely.

"No prob, Bell," he called out as he sprang down the hallway, leaving me alone in Edward's room. In my room.

I took a long time going over the room. It said so much about Edward. I ran my fingers across CD jewel cases as I examined his gigantic music collection. The top shelf was filled with vinyl records. I would pull one out occasionally and handle it with care. They were all originals. I wondered fleetingly where he stored the 8-tracks and cassettes, because he'd lived through those eras too.

I thumbed through the clothes hanging in his closet, many with the tags still attached. They were mostly drab colors. A lot of grey. _I thought blue was his favorite?_ I found the section of the closet that had apparently been cleared out for me. I gasped as I unzipped one of the garment bags marked "Bella." It was a gorgeous pale blue sundress. The color was cold like winter but the style was fresh like spring. It was conflicted just like me, stuck in between two seasons. I changed into it immediately and left the closet to find the full length mirror on the opposite wall. It was gorgeous, strapless and curve-hugging. It fit me perfectly, as if Alice had had all my new clothes custom-tailored to measurements she saw in a vision of the future. _She probably did_.

In the reflection of the mirror I caught a glimpse of Edward's massive library. I turned to the book shelf and looked closely at the weathered bindings of his books. Some were so old they had to be worth a fortune. A few were so well-read, I knew immediately they must be his favorites. As I scanned the shelves, I felt my understanding of Edward grow; I felt the surge of commonality, and I resented it.

_Damn him_. Damn him for being perfect for me, for being the exact kind of man I could love. Damn him for not just taking away my life, but for taking away the love I could have had for him—a pure and unadulterated love that I could have given freely. Anything I could muster to offer him now would be marred, tainted by the blood he drew from my neck.

"That's not even a quarter of them, the rest are in my study," he said from the doorway. I was so engrossed in the titles I was almost surprised by his approach. Almost.

"You have great taste…in everything pretty much," I said motioning to the endless shelves of music, movies, and books.

"Thank you, that means a lot coming from you."

I tried to ignore the compliment within his statement. "So these vinyls…did you buy them when they first came out?"

He crossed the room and reached up to the top shelf pulling down a record.

"_Abbey Road_. September 26, 1969, autographed," he said removing the delicate piece of music history from its sleeve, "The last album they ever recorded."

He handed to me and I took it gingerly. "I thought _Let It Be_ was their last?"

"No, common misconception," he said, "it was their last _release_ in 1970, but it was recorded before _Abbey Road_ in '69."

"Autographed by all four members, huh?" I said as I slid it back into the sleeve in his hands.

"I was one of the first in line…wound up really hitting it off with Paul, we still e-mail each other to this day."

I wasn't the biggest Beatles fan, but that was some seriously crazy shit. "No fucking way!" I said, pushing against his chest with a little too much force so that he stumbled back a few steps.

"Yes fucking way!" he jokingly yelled as he caught his balance and proceeded to slide the album back into its place on the shelf.

"That's amazing. Do you know a lot of famous people?"

"Sure, I've had to outlive some of my favorites…Ray Charles, Kurt Kobain for instance."

"Wow." I was stunned. He pulled out an autographed Nirvana CD and I would have hyperventilated if it were possible for my new body to do it. "Amazing," I said, finding complete sentences hard to form.

"No, Bella," he said looking deep into my eyes, "amazing is you…in that dress. You look like you're ready for the beach!"

Again I ignored the compliment, "I don't think I'll be heading out to La Push anytime soon what with these freaky alien eyes."

"And don't forget about the bizarre sparkling skin, Bella," he said smiling. I had forgotten about that. I had never seen it sparkle, on me or anyone else.

"Esme said it's like diamonds, innumerable diamonds, each smaller than grains of sand…" I mused aloud.

"That's a good way to describe it, you'll see for yourself, as soon as you're feeling up to an airplane ride, we'll take a trip to Isle Esme." I remembered the island Edward had told me about, private and secluded. As I pictured it, I could literally feel the sun beat down on my skin. Even my imagination was more vivid now.

I crossed the room and sat on the edge of the bed, smiling and leaning back, basking in my imaginary sunshine. I closed my eyes to take it all in and felt my light appear in the same sky. "Let's all go now, Edward…I'm ready now."

"Believe me, I would love nothing more than to take you there this very minute," he said crossing the room and taking a seat next to me. I didn't have to open my eyes to see him move. I felt his presence gliding toward me. "But I don't think you can know yet how painful it is to sit in a confined space like an airplane for hours on end, surrounded by humans."

"Humans, schmoo-mans!" I said waving my hand dismissively, still reeling in sun and light. He laughed and the sound delighted my ears, sending my mental bliss over the edge. "Besides, don't you have like a private jet or something?"

"No," he said, still laughing, "we've thought about purchasing one in the past, but it's just not cost effective."

In that moment—when I wasn't thinking about anything but the present, about anything but my current pleasure—life was perfect. I was leaning back on my elbows lazily on Edward Freaking Cullen's bed, soaking up the sun, and swimming in his laughter. _Perfect_. I could feel him staring at my wide smile. I could feel my casually seductive pose pulling him toward me. I could feel his light moving closer. I focused only on the sensations, like I did when I was hunting earlier that morning, lost in the moment.

Edward reached his left arm around his body, turning into me, as he wrapped it around my waist. I freed my arms by letting my body fall completely to the bed and my right hand moved up to meet his at my side. I grazed my fingertips along the top of his hand, lingering on each knuckle and tracing the edges of each fingernail.

"I can feel the sun now too, Bella," he said quietly, through a smile.

"How did you know?"

"We're kindred, remember?" he said and I laughed. A real, joyous laugh from somewhere deep inside me.

"Hey! Speaking of, I thought blue was your favorite color, you poser," I said running my fingertips up his arm, "there's hardly anything but grey in that closet."

"Uhhh…" he stammered.

"Poser!" I accused again, giggling, drawing small circles up and down his forearm.

"It's embarrassing, I'm not going to explain it!" he said tightening his grip around my waist.

"Come on, Edward, no more secrets now," I said seriously, opening my eyes and seeing my light replaced with his beautiful face.

"Fine. But remember, you _asked_!" he said and I nodded and held up two fingers on my free hand, mouthing "scout's honor."

"Bella, I didn't have a favorite color until I met you…blue is my favorite color because…" I closed my eyes again, I couldn't bear to watch his pained expression, "because you were wearing blue when I first saw you, and that's when my life changed forever."

Something in that phrase triggered me from my island fantasy, _my life changed forever_. Forever. I went back on my scout's honor.

"Yeah, Edward," I said as I removed his arm from my waist and got up from the bed I one fluid motion, "that's when my life changed _forever_ too." He stared at me, uncomprehending.

After a long pause he got defensive, but not angry. "But, Bella, that day, in the meadow, _you_ kissed _me_. _You_ wanted _me_?"

I said the first thing that came to my mind. I noticed how the volume of my voice gradually increased as I spoke, as if I was listening from outside of my own body. I hadn't lost control of my emotions; I had simply set them free. "Yes, I kissed you, Edward. I didn't think that would make me…betrothed to you. I didn't think it would turn me into a fucking mythological creature!" I stared at his blank expression. I couldn't tell if he was tuning me out or he just couldn't disagree with me because he knew it was true.

I didn't back down. I was gearing up for a fight. "Whatever hormonal attraction I felt toward you in that meadow…it's gone now, I'm pushing it away." I said it to myself as much as I said it to him. I wasn't truly convinced either.

His expression changed; he went from defense to desperation in less than a second. "Is there any hope for me, Bella? For us?"

How could he ask such a selfish question? Selfish. That's what he was. "You took everything away from me, Edward. I never…I never got drunk. I never graduated from high school. I never had sex! Dammit, the last thing I ever got to eat was peanut butter and jelly! You stole my life, Edward!"

I was yelling now; the words that had been swimming in my mind for days finally making themselves known. I heard the sneer in my voice every time I said the word "you," as I pointed an accusing finger at him. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to pour salt and lemon juice into his wound and rub it until he screamed in agony. I wanted him to feel one-tenth of what I had gone through in that bed for nearly three days. But his screams of pain never came, his voice never raised above a whisper.

**EPOV**

Her words burned me. They cut me deep and exposed me for what I truly was. _You stole my life, Edward!_

_And your soul, Bella, don't forget about that_, I thought in defeat. "Look, Bella, I'm not going to defend what I did. I'm not going to try to excuse it as a lapse in judgment or an isolated mistake. You're right. I. Am. A. Monster."

She turned and left the room without another word and I immediately felt the void of her presence. I would have rather sat there and listened to her yell at me than be apart from her. Seriously, for a woman who didn't want to be with me, she sure treated me like a husband.

I mused over our conversation…fight, I guess. I should have known that "forever" comment could only be misconstrued. And I _thought_ my life was complicated when I was all alone. I had a lot to learn about women…about Bella. But hey, I got to touch her. Earlier at the piano and then again on the bed. Reclining next to her on the bed was freaking awesome. I couldn't believe I had never had a bed until now. _Beds are awesome_.

I didn't go after her. _Time_, everyone's favorite word echoed in my mind. I just reclined on the bed, staring at the ceiling, relishing in the remaining sparks that tingled in circles up and down my arm. I went back over our conversation again and again, noticing new subtleties with each repeat. The lightness of her touch for one, Esme must have worked with her today. She was a pretty fast learner; a few hours and she was already reading music and playing her first song. It had taken Rosalie weeks to get that far and eventually she gave up; tuning cars instead of pianos. Downstairs I heard "Old MacDonald" ringing loudly from the keys as Esme squealed with delight.

"Try this," Esme said, and I heard a book of music land on the piano. "Sixteen Going On Seventeen," I could distinguish it through her mistakes. She stopped and started over again and again until she had the first stanza down pat. _Persistent_. Well, I could be persistent too. There was nothing in this world that I wanted more—that I would ever want more—than Bella.

I stayed in my room for hours, giving Bella time with Esme. They were getting on so well, it made me soar with pride. _You've done well, son_, Esme's thoughts were directed toward me. A little after eleven, I heard Carlisle's Mercedes coming up the driveway. Alice and Jasper still weren't home and I wondered where the two of them could be. They were well out of my range of hearing. _They better be back in time for school tomorrow_, I thought, _I'll be dammed if I'm going to have to go and they don't!_

Downstairs I heard Esme filling Carlisle in on the day's events as Bella played softly on the piano, she had progressed through almost the entire book of music and was now playing "My Favorite Things." _Poignant_. I wondered if Carlisle knew about Bella's memorial service tomorrow. I felt like she should know her family would be mourning her loss in less than twenty-four hours. I wasn't sure I should be the one to tell her. I left my room and went across the hall to Carlisle's study.

"Eventful day at the hospital?" I asked Carlisle as he entered the room.

"Chief Swan came in today," Carlisle said too quietly for Bella to hear downstairs, and I quirked an eyebrow. "He asked me to…prescribe him something to get him through…"_He's a mess_, Carlisle continued in his thoughts.

"Did you give him something?"

"No, I didn't feel it would be medically responsible of me. I just listened for a long while, tried to comfort him a bit, and sent him home with some OTC sleep aids." _The memorial, Edward, does she know?_

"Not yet. But I think we should tell her…not me though. I wish Alice was here to do it."

"Oh yes, Alice and Jasper stopped by the hospital today before they went to Seattle to get Bella's paperwork together. Alice seemed rather concerned about Bella being ready to travel at a moment's notice. I think they planned on waiting in Seattle until her passport was ready."

I smiled. _Future-seeing pixie_.

"So we'll wait for Alice to get home to tell her?" I asked Carlisle.

"Sounds like a plan. I'm going to…" I cut him off as he stood to leave the room.

"Carlisle, one more thing." He sat back down and gestured for me to continue. "I haven't told anyone about this. Only Alice could know…" I was apprehensive about saying this out loud for the first time. Once the words were spoken, I felt like something would change. When the words passed from my mouth, the vision Alice saw in the cafeteria would go from a fleeting possibility to a lost hope.

"Tell me, Edward," Carlisle coaxed.

"That day, that first day in school, Alice had three visions of my future. At the time, I just wrote them off." I spoke through gritted teeth, my eyes fixated on the floor, ignoring Carlisle's gaze. "I deliberately ignored the warnings, Carlisle…" I hated myself in that moment, as I finally saw myself through Bella eyes. I understood her anger, and I shuttered at the thought of how her resentment would only grow if she knew what my actions had cost us. Carlisle urged me to continue.

"In the first vision, I drained Bella and she died. In the second, she was newly transformed, obviously the vision that will come to pass. And in the third she was changed but…in the third, Carlisle, we had a baby." Carlisle gasped but tried but quickly tried to hide his surprise. "I know it's impossible, but I can't help but think…we could have had a child."

"An immortal child, Edward?" Carlisle asked timidly, his face visibly contorted with horror.

"No. She was ours, Carlisle, she had my hair and Bella's eyes. She was _ours_."

Carlisle's expression turned to a mixture of confusion and wonder. "The child would have been born before Bella was transformed, then?"

I nodded affirmatively, "I believe so."

His eyes were wide. "The Incubus, perhaps? I have heard the legend, but I've never seen it with my own eyes."

"I saw it, Carlisle, or at least the possibility of it…I didn't believe it at the time, but now…" I trailed off and we sat in silence for a long moment as the piano continued to ring from downstairs. Carlisle's thoughts were mostly analytical, pondering the possibility of a child that was both vampire and human. He decided to research the legend and trace it back to its origins.

"I have to tell her," I was asking just as much as I was stating. I knew I had to tell her; I had promised her—no more secrets. I couldn't live out eternity with this unspoken between us whether we were together or not; yet somehow, I still needed Carlisle's reassurance.

"Edward, that is your decision," he nodded as he spoke, "but let's take one piece of news at a time. She's in a very fragile place right now." He looked as if he was about to continue, but I stopped him; I had heard everything I needed to hear. Even if it would only add to her hate for me, she had to know.

"I'll wait for the right time," I shrugged.

"Okay, well, I'm going to go down and see if our newest family member has an interest in chess. God knows I can't play with my favorite son," Carlisle said with a chuckle.

I sat in the study for a long while, listening as he taught Bella the basics of chess and they chatted. Carlisle had a way of getting you to talk about something without realizing you were doing it. He was part surgeon, part psychologist. Bella spoke openly with him and I felt equally proud and jealous. _Time_, I thought again. In time, perhaps Bella would be willing to talk with me like that. _Time_.

Time was such a force in my life. I couldn't speed it up for the past ninety years. I couldn't slow it down that day in the meadow. And now I was more powerless against it than ever. I wondered if Time and Fate were in this together.

* * *

**A/N: I'm dying to know what you thought of the E/B alone time! Was it what you expected? No Steph, no smut yet, sorry! Thanks for your awesome reviews, girlies, I love them all! **

**UPDATE: There's a little teaser for Chapter 13 over on the AFWHI thread at Twilighted. The link is on my profile. Muah!**

* * *


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: **_**Twilight**_** belongs to Stephanie Meyer.**

Chapter 13: Girl's Night

**BPOV**

I came down the stairs kind of stomping like a child whose nap got interrupted. I thought I would feel satisfied, but I was just disappointed. Hurting Edward, I thought, would validate me…comfort me. Why was it that I felt more comfort in his arms—in the arms of my monster—than when I stung him so deeply with my words that I could read the pain on his face? Shouldn't that have made me feel good? It only made me feel worse.

I found Emse lounging on the couch flipping through a magazine, pretending she didn't hear every word I had screamed at Edward just moments before. "Was that you I heard earlier playing 'Old MacDonald,' Bella, while I was out in the flower garden?" she asked.

"Yeah, that was me, sorry to say," I said, holding up a hand to claim my terrible playing.

"No, no, you're doing wonderful. Play it for me again?"

I sat down on the piano bench and Esme flitted to my side and leaned on the gorgeous black grand piano. It was really disgraceful to have such a terrible piece of music being played on such a beautiful piece of art.

I pounded out the melody with little trouble. I didn't even need to look at the notes Edward had written out for me. Perfect recall. Esme reached down into a basket beside the piano, grabbing up a book of music. "Try this," she said opening the book to the first page and placing in on the music stand in front of me.

"_Easy Piano Songs for Beginners_?" I read the name of the book aloud.

"Alice picked it up for you the other day. She had a…feeling you might take an interest."

I laughed and tried to play the tune as I read the music. My fingers fumbled around the keys as I thought about Alice. She had really thought of everything. The clothes, the first hunt, even down to a silly book of music. I wondered what else that little pixie had up her sleeve.

Esme silently encouraged me with slight nods and smiles and I realized I wasn't really giving it my all. I stopped the song and started over again until I could concentrate on nothing but the keys beneath my fingers. Like with the hunt and on the bed with Edward, I removed my mind from the equation and let my new body take over. The movements began to come naturally and the song sounded pleasing, even to me. I felt detached when my body was in control like that, but not in a bad way. In a way that made me feel relief. A brief reverie from my constantly warring emotions.

Carlisle came home from work and I greeted him with a smile as I continued to play. Esme chatted with him for awhile and then he headed upstairs. Esme told me how much she loved to listen to Edward play the piano and she was so happy to have another player in the family. She never learned herself because she didn't want to take "the magic out of it."

She preferred gardening, she said, because she liked giving and sustaining life. Her plants needed her, so she fed and watered them and in return they grew and gave her joy. I wanted so badly to convey to Esme that I needed her, that Edward and Alice—all of them needed her. Our bodies made us indestructible and self-sufficient, but that didn't mean we didn't there was no place in our lives for a mother. Esme had relentlessly taught, comforted, and encouraged me in just the few short days I had known her. I decided, there at the piano, I too wanted to grow and bring her joy.

I started making a mental list of all the ways I could do this, embrace what I could be; things I could do and learn thanks to my wide open schedule. Esme could continue to school me on vampire history and etiquette until the rest of the family got home from school. I looked forward to bonding with her in the garden. I figured I spend a couple hours everyday studying about all the places I wanted to visit, possibly perfect my Spanish and take up French or Italian. I would continue on with piano and maybe take up guitar. I tried to think of all the other things I could do to connect with each family member as Carlisle descended the stairs and asked if I'd like to play chess.

"I haven't played in forever, but it seems like I'm a pretty fast learner," I said nodding my head toward the piano, "if you're willing to re-teach me."

"Of course, Bella, I'm always on the prowl for another worthy opponent!" Carlisle gave a wide smile and I felt proud for being the one who put it there.

We sat down at the chess table and Carlisle gave me a refresher course on the names and functions of all the pieces. "I'll go easy on you for the first game," he said, "but after that all's fair in love and chess."

I laughed as he motioned for me to make the first move.

"So Bella, you're coming along beautifully on the piano in just one day."

"Thanks," I said, "I was just thinking of other things I could do to fill my time, studies and hobbies and stuff."

"What did you have in mind?" Carlisle asked. He was so easy to talk to. I felt like if I didn't watch myself I'd blab to him about anything with out thinking twice.

"Well, I wanna try out at least one thing that each person in the family enjoys. Piano with Edward, of course. Fashion with Alice…I have a lot to learn there," I said rolling my eyes and Carlisle chuckled. "Gardening with Esme," from the corner of my eye I saw Esme look up from her magazine and smile, "chess with you," I said nodding in his direction, "and then something I could do with Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper. Any suggestions?"

"Rosalie loves tinkering with cars as you know, but if that's not your thing she really likes fashion and primping too—all that girly stuff. It's something the three of you can do together." I got a little giddy at the idea of a girl's night in…online shopping, make-overs, and romantic comedies. I'd never felt the desire to be so "girly" before. Something about this new, gorgeous body made me want to really appreciate it, to do right by it.

"Emmett will love to play pranks _with_ you or _on_ you, so you better team up before it's too late," Carlisle continued.

I laughed, "Yes, I've heard it's high time I distract Edward so Emmett can finally pull one over on him." My body tingled a little as I thought of _how_ I could distract Edward. _It would be for a good cause, right?_ "I'm definitely team Emmett," I said quietly, hoping Edward couldn't hear. "What about Jasper?" I asked.

"Jasper, he's a student. A scholar. He missed out on so much in his time acting as an army captain in the southern wars, he finds he has much to learn. He's studying French very intently right now."

"Oh, French, that would be perfect. We could learn together!"

"That's a great idea Bella. You'll find Jasper to be a great study partner, I think. He's really the only one who actually enjoys school, once he gets past the thirst," Carlisle said, and I interrupted him.

"What about his thirst?" I was starting to feel like the thirst was more of a being of its own than a just part of us. Everyone talked about it with such reverence. The Thirst.

"Well, Jasper has the hardest time with our way of life. He lived on human blood for a very long time before he joined the family…school can be…torture for him."

"Oh," I said feeling bad for Jasper, incapable of imagining his pain. "A human came to deliver a package today," I wasn't trying to brag, I was just curious as to why it was so easy for me. "I smelled him, and yeah, the thirst burned hot in my throat, but I had no desire to attack him, why is that, Carlisle?"

"I have a theory, Bella. My theory is that you are a very special vampire. Compassionate like me, caring like Esme, very aware like Alice. I think there's a little bit of each of us in you. But most of all, you're still you…you're very much Bella." I liked what he was saying and I urged him to continue. "Your aversion to blood is just a small piece of the puzzle. You have such strong presence of mind, such control."

"Thank you, Carlisle." I wasn't used to such superfluous compliments.

"Now, I can't promise you that you'll always feel that way…let that thirst go for two full weeks or catch the scent of fresh blood and your control might just fail you. I don't want to guarantee you that you're fully immune."

"I understand," I said as I moved my queen forward and wondered what qualities of the other vampires in the family were reflected in me. "I don't mean to pry but…what is it about the others…about Edward that you see in me?"

"Of course not, Bella. Remember, you can say anything to me." I nodded and he continued, "You have good sense of comedic timing like Emmett, the way you lightened up the room this morning reminded me so much of him. Of course, you're beautiful like Rosalie, but you also have some of her persistence…like on the hunt for instance. Jasper was right this morning, about how you control your emotions. You have great power over your own, as he does his and everyone else's. And Edward…" He trailed off and I looked away, down at the chess board, pretending to contemplate my next move.

"Edward," he continued, "is an interesting case. I see how much you two have in common, but the one thing that strikes me is that you, Bella, as you must know by now, are the one person whose mind he cannot read."

I nodded. I knew. I was glad too. If he knew the kind of shit I thought about him sometimes—not the bad stuff either, the _good_ stuff—he would be absolutely incorrigible!

"It's like you have the same power, but in reverse. He looks _into_ someone's mind and you can keep someone _out_ of yours. Like a shield. I would be very interested to know if it worked against other powers of the mind or if it is unique to Edward."

"There are other mind readers?" I was wondering how far I'd have to go to test that theory.

"I know of another, yes, an old acquaintance in Volterra, Italy." I nodded, I had heard about the Italian vampires and I was figuring when I finally took a trip to Italy I'd just bypass Tuscany altogether rather than run into any of them.

"There are other powers of the mind though, maybe someday you will experience them…or not," he said with a smile and a wink as he moved his king. "Check-mate!" he said.

"I thought you were going to go easy on me for the first game?" I threw my hands in the air and over exaggerated my expression.

"I was going easy on you, Bella!" We laughed and reset the board as Emmett's Jeep rolled up the driveway, Jasper at the wheel and Alice singing in the seat beside him. Edward appeared down stairs just as Alice came bounding through the door, her hands full of shopping bags, with Jasper in tow.

"Who's ready for a girl's night?!" she squealed.

"You saw that, huh?" I asked, laughing at her enthusiasm.

"Yep, I've been planning it all day, I've picked up all the supplies!"

"Supplies?" How involved was this girl's night thing?

"Well, I had to pick up some special things for your particular color palate and of course, had to make a movie run. I got _How to Loose a Guy in 10 Days _and _Never Been Kissed_!"

I smiled a little. In both those movies the leading ladies were kind of the double-crossing bad girl. "Good choices," I said glancing sideways at Edward.

Rosalie and Emmett returned to the house and Jasper tossed Emmett the keys to the Jeep. "Good," Alice said, "we're all here. Do you boys want downstairs or up?"

"Downstairs, definitely," Emmett spoke on their behalf.

"Alright, let's go girls," Alice said, taking my hand and leading me toward the stairs. Rose followed behind but Esme remained on the couch.

"Esme, aren't you coming?" I asked, looking over my shoulder. I didn't want her to feel left out and I was getting pretty comfortable around her, it would be nice to have her with me in this uncharted territory.

"Oh, no, Carlisle and I are going hunting tonight, you girls go on and have a good time," she responded.

"Sweet, home alone tonight guys!" Emmett yelled, sounding like a total surfer dude, as he held up his fist and bumped it with Jasper's.

We all shook our heads and headed up the stairs. I wondered what vampires did when there were no parents around. It's not like they could host some kind of wild party. From what I understood they already drove fast and had lots of sex…what else was there?

We set up shop in Alice's spare room. It was basically I gigantic dressing room. Rows and rows of designer clothing lined three walls and a huge vanity encompassed the other.

"So I haven't been to a sleepover since I was like ten years old…" I said as I tried to think back to that night I had spent away from home as a child. It was someone's birthday. A girl from school. I couldn't picture her face. _Why can't I remember?_ The memory was fuzzy. I started to worry.

"Don't worry, it'll be fun!" Alice said as she popped a DVD into the side of the mounted flat screen TV.

I took a seat at one of the vanity chairs while Rosalie rummaged through Alice's shopping bags. "Hey, Alice, thanks for helping Edward get me the stereo, by the way," she said as she removed container after container of eye shadow and blush.

"It's no problem, wait till you see what he's getting me!" Alice squealed. Rosalie gave her a dirty look. I guessed it was no secret that Alice was Edward's favorite sister. "And you too, Bella!"

"Huh, he's getting something for me?" I asked as Alice sat Indian style at my feet and shook a bottle of nail polish.

"Of course, Bella! It's something you _really_ need. Oh," she said changing the subject abruptly, "Jazz and I got you a passport today!"

"That's funny I was just thinking about…oh, yeah," I realized out loud, "you probably…"

"Yep, guilty as charged!" she said nodding her head to one side.

Alice was already done painting all ten toenails perfectly when we heard a knock at the door. I had a feeling…so I closed my eyes, yes, it was Edward. "Alice," he said from behind the door, "can I see you for a second?"

"Be right back," Alice said, jumping up, "Rose, will you do Bella's fingernails while I'm gone?"

Rosalie waved her off and crossed the room to sit next to me. I listened closely for Alice and Edward's conversation but I couldn't hear anything. "Don't bother," Rosalie piped in, "between the mind reading and the future-seeing, the two of them can have an entire conversation without ever speaking."

I concentrated on Rosalie's nail painting technique as I spoke. "Rosalie, I'm starting to forget things—friends' faces and what the street I grew up on looked like."

Rosalie stared up at me, significance written all over her face. "Write it down, Bella. Write it down before it's too late." Her words sent a jolt through me; I was going to forget my life. Renee and Charlie and Gran and even that day in the meadow with Edward would be lost to me. My whole human life would be nothing but a blurred snapshot of faceless names and shadowy places.

Alice came back into the room as Rose was finishing up my manicure. Rosalie gave me a glance and cleared her throat, as to say _let's not talk about this anymore_. Alice plopped down on the floor and seemed determined not to offer any insight into what had transpired between her and Edward.

"Thanks, girls, this is fun," I said, trying to fill the silence with the gratitude I felt toward these two women who had so graciously accepted me.

"Just wait till we get to the boy talk," Alice teased with a gleam in her eye.

Chapter 13.5: Guy's Night

**EPOV**

Guys night for vampires basically meant me sitting around listening to Emmett and Jasper trade sex stories, wishing I had the ability to vomit. But things were a little different in that department these days and I was actually looking forward to a little one on two time with my brothers. I gave Alice a few minutes to get settled upstairs before I interrupted.

Alice decided she didn't want to tell Bella about the memorial service until after school today. I gave her a quizzical glance, not wanting to speak out loud for Bella to hear. _She's going to take it hard, Edward. I don't want to leave her here all day with just Esme. It's better to wait…I've seen it. _That was enough for me. I just had to trust Alice.

I headed back downstairs to the tune of Bella's light giggle and I relished it because I knew I wouldn't be hearing it around the same time tomorrow. Jasper and Emmett were lounging on the couch watching SportsCenter when I got down to the living room.

"I can't believe I missed that freaking game!" Emmett said, like watching the highlights wasn't enough.

I wasn't sure how to start the conversation. Usually the two of them just got into it and I was left helpless on the sidelines. Like the way humans gawk at a really gruesome accident as they drive by on the interstate. "So guys…"

"So what?" Jasper asked, "What are you so tense about?"

I started thinking about some of the questions I wanted to ask them, which inevitably lead to thoughts of Bella naked and me doing things to her that I didn't quite know how to do. Jasper sensed the change in my mood.

"Ohhhh," he said turning to Emmett, "I think Edward wants to talk to us about sex."

"Sweet, dude, let's hear it," Emmett said a little too enthusiastically. Whenever Emmett got excited he had a tendency to talk like some SoCal stoner, the side effect of a few too many Pauly Shore movies in the early nineties.

I told them how I had thought about Bella all day at school but then when I got her upstairs—in my freaking bed no less—I totally flaked. "I had a very small window of opportunity and Bella was being very…receptive," I spoke quietly and Emmett leaned forward with anticipation, "but I just didn't know…how to…I mean, that time in the meadow, Bella initiated that, I was just following her lead."

I'd seen enough sex in my ninety plus years as a vampire. Everyday of high school was like pornographic soap opera for a mind reader. Seeing something in someone's thoughts and executing it with my own body were two very different things.

"What did you do?" Emmett asked.

"Well, I…uh, put my arm around her waist."

Both of them made a gut-wrenching "uhhh" sound at the same time. Not good. "How did she react to that?" Jasper questioned.

"She traced her fingers up and down my arm, it was very subtle but flirty, you know?"

"Definitely flirty, man. She wants you. You just gotta go for it," Emmett said decidedly.

Jasper shook his head no at Emmett, "You know Bella is conflicted, Edward, you should leave it up to her to make the first move."

"Okay, so I let her get things going…how do I get her to do that?"

They both stared at me blankly. Their wives' sex drives were as raw as their own; they could both pretty much skip over the hard parts.

"Try speaking French to her, it works every time with Alice!" Jasper suggested.

I stuck my finger in my mouth feigning a gag. "How about you, Emmett, what gets Rose…you know…" I trailed off.

"Rosie is all about the challenge. I just act like I'm not interested and it drives her wild!"

"Okay, so speak French, play hard to get…then what, like when it's my turn?"

They both rolled their eyes. They kept doing shit like that at the same time and it made me feel even more out of the loop.

"You just do what comes naturally, dude," Emmett said. I just stared back at him and he elaborated. "Like the things you were imaging in school today…what were they?"

I laughed to fill the awkward space where that question would go unanswered. I was not saying _that_ out loud.

"Come on, Edward, we're all big boys here. How can we give you tips if we don't know what you're wondering about?" Jasper said, like we were talking about something as commonplace as hunting.

However, _tips_ would be nice. If I ever did get to that point with Bella, I'd like to be able to impress her. No, to knock her fucking socks off.

"Alright. I mean I think about actually having sex and all, but there's something I've wanted to do since…since the first time I met her," I looked down at the floor as they both stared at me intently.

"Go on," Jasper urged me.

"I want to…taste her." I said the last words kind of fast without glancing up to meet their eyes. They started laughing hysterically.

"So you want to eat her out, bro?" Emmett asked through his laughter.

"Yes," I said, still staring at the floor, "and I want her to _enjoy_ it. A lot."

They kept laughing and I finally looked up at them. They were practically rolling around on the couch, cracking up thoroughly. "See…see, was that so hard?" Jasper managed to ask.

"Just give us one sec," Emmett called out. "Taste her!" he said, slapping Jasper on the arm and causing both of them to laugh even harder.

Finally I had to laugh too. "Alright, guys, you promised _tips_, seriously."

Jasper started giving me a detailed description of the female anatomy. I interrupted him, "Hello, Jasper, two medical degrees, I know this part."

He fast forwarded to the good stuff. "…so when you put your fingers inside, curve them upward so you hit that spot."

Emmett chimed in, "And don't forget about your thumb, plenty for it to do on the outside."

I looked at him, a little lost. "Her clit, dude."

"Oh, right, yeah."

"Yeah, get it warmed up for you," Jasper took back the conversation, "then when you're ready to head south," he bowed his head towards the floor and Emmett and I laughed, "start slowly, like, kiss your way up the inside of her thigh."

"Oh, yeah, that's a good one!" Emmett said high-fiveing Jasper. "Start with your lips, like you're making out with it and slowly introduce your tongue. Dude, that first moan, it's priceless."

Jasper laughed, shaking his head in agreement. "I have this technique, it's like three long strokes," I silently thanked God he wasn't demonstrating, "then you suck on her a little and flick her clit with your tongue, it will drive her crazy."

"Yeah, but you'll develop your own techniques of course, once you get to know what she likes, don't forget to pay attention to that shit," Emmett offered.

"Yeah, like when she groans while you're doing something that means she likes it." _Ya think, Jasper?_

"Oh, and don't forget to use your free hand on her upper body. Never underestimate the power of her nipples," Emmett added enthusiastically.

"Seriously, they're like orgasmic powder kegs. Just light the match and watch the sparks fly!" Jasper and Emmett bumped fists again.

"Like what do I do with them?" I was so far beyond clueless.

"Rub them, pinch them, lick 'em, bite 'em…I mean, what _can't_ you do with them?" Emmett joked. "They're like the most versatile toy on the planet!"

"Okay, clit, kissing, nipples, G-spot, tongue. Is that it?"

"No way, bro, there's so much more, but some of that shit you just need to discover on your own…and I need to go find my wife," Emmett said rising from the couch.

"Right behind you!" Jasper called as they headed for the stairs.

_Shit!_ Now I was going to have to listen to them screwing my sisters all night! Unless Bella…no, too soon. _Time_, remember?

Emmett stopped at the top step of the second floor. He turned to me and folded his hands in front of him, "Do...or do not. There is no try, young Skywalker."

**A/N: Gasp! Yes. I so ended it there. As always, I love the input you guys provide in your reviews. Thanks for being so involved in the story! Muah!**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: **_**Twilight**_** belongs to Stephanie Meyer. **

Chapter 14: Gift Given

**BPOV**

I let Rosalie and Alice go on for about fifteen minutes about how much better sex would be for me as vampire than when I was a human before I finally fessed up to being a virgin.

"Oh, we just figured, you know, in this day and age…" Alice trailed off.

I laughed, "Glad I could finally surprise you, Alice."

She and Rose giggled, giving each other knowing glances. "You know, Bella," Rosalie said, "Edward is a virgin too."

I gasped. Could it be that sexiest man, err, vampire I had ever met was a…virgin? Seriously, why did we have to have so much in common? I was really starting to believe fate was going to push this soul mates crap to the limit. _Bitch_. No matter where I ran, he was around every corner. Even when I closed my eyes he was there. How was that fair? Didn't I have any choice in the matter?

Alice's eyes sparkled as she related the story of her first time with Jasper. Then it was Rosalie's turn and she was even more descriptive than Alice! It was very educational…and slightly erotic. Rosalie went on about her favorite blow job methods as Alice curled my hair.

Basically, the whole deal with vampire sex is that…well, there's no refractory period for guys, which would probably be enough to make any man surrender his humanity on the spot. Multiple Os for both partners combined with no need for sleep and unquenchable sexual appetite equals unending sex.

"It takes years for a vampire to get their sex drive under control, just like the thirst," Alice said.

The thirst didn't seem like such a big deal for me…maybe sex was a wash too? Then I remembered the feel of Edward's skin under my fingertips, the heat radiating off of his body, his firm grasp around my waist. I felt my mouth hanging slack, as I gaped at the images playing in my mind, but I couldn't expend the energy to close it. My overactive imagination consumed me.

"Hello, earth to Bella," Rosalie finally gained my attention, holding up a silky black dress.

"Uh, yeah," I said grabbing the dress and looking for a place to change.

"Bella, you can change in front of us. We've already seen you naked, remember?" Alice reminded me.

"Yeah, I guess that makes it a little easier," I said slipping out of my little blue sundress. "Here," I said handing it to Alice, "I want to wear this again tomorrow."

"No, Bella, we don't wear clothes more than once in this house," Alice said.

"What?" I asked, my voice slightly muffled by the black dress I was pulling over my head.

"Coordinating your wardrobe is my _job_, Bella. And I take it very seriously," she said tossing me a pair of three inch high black heels.

"Okay," I said with a lovingly "back off, you psycho" kind of tone, "but can we save it for the beach trip at least? I really love it," I pleaded.

"Alright, but you can't wear it again until then, deal?"

"Deal," I said moving for the corner floor to ceiling mirror. "It's gorgeous! And my hair, oh, and my nails!" I turned back to them, "Thank you so much, girls, this is all so nice."

"It's our pleasure, Bella," Alice said as she clicked off the TV nobody had been watching anyway, "but I'm afraid we're going to have to cut the sleepover off short. Rose and I have some…situations that need to be taken care of."

Rosalie's eye grew wide as a smile crossed her face. We all heard footsteps pounding up the stairs.

"Where's my Rosie?" Emmett called from the hall. I crinkled my nose…_Rosie?_

Emmett came busting through the door and swooped Rosalie up and out of the room without another word. Rose smiled at me from her place slung across Emmett's shoulder.

Jasper cleared his throat and Alice asked me if I would like to go hang out in my own room. _Subtle_.

"Sure, guys…uhh, have fun," I said as I waved and closed the door behind me. _God, I hope they'll be quiet about it._

**EPOV**

Emmett's words rang in my mind. _Do or do not, huh?_

I glanced at the clock. It was well after two in the morning, just five hours until school, hardly enough time for them to satisfy their desires upstairs. Maybe we'd all take the day off? Jasper's thoughts boomed into my mind, _Man, she's been thinking about you. Her mood is very telling_.

Now Jasper, 'Mister She's Conflicted Give Her Time,' was giving me the green light. _Do or do not._

_Dammit!_ Emmett and Rosalie's thoughts were now blaring in my head. I ran up the stairs to grab my iPod and my super freaking loud headphones, so I could go for a long, long run. I burst into my room to find Bella sitting on my bed.

"Oh, hey," I said, "I didn't know you were in here. I'm not used to that yet."

"Yeah, I guess you can usually tell who's behind every door," she said with a smile. It was warm and friendly, nothing like the Bella who stormed out of this room a few hours ago when I told her she changed my life forever.

I tried to give her a little credit considering she was a newborn vampire and she wasn't out slaughtering innocent humans to satiate her thirst. She was really exceptional as newborns go, but I couldn't help but feeling she was like an emotional rollercoaster. Hot and then cold with the flip of a switch. And right now…she was definitely hot again.

Smoking fucking hot, in more ways than one. Her hair was full of curls, like the day I picked her up at her house. Her short black dress was snug and either the fabric itself or the body underneath it called out to be touched. Alice had put a little pink make-up on her cheeks, which reminded me of how she used to look when she blushed. _Delicious_. I couldn't help but get the feeling that she was _hot_ for me too.

_What the hell, right? Do or do not._

"Bella, Parlez-vous français?"

She laughed. Not the reaction Jasper would get. "Uhh, no, but I want to learn. I was going to ask Jasper to tutor me, actually."

"Great." I said, deflated, reaching for my iPod on the desk, "Jasper is great at French." I turned and headed slowly for the door. _Hard to get._

It wasn't working. I was walking impossibly slow and she wasn't stopping me. "See ya," I said apathetically as I reached for the door knob.

"Edward!" she called out as I opened the door. My heart soared with hope. I turned around to see her standing at the foot of the bed, wringing her hands.

"Yes, Bella?" I said, still trying to act uninterested.

"Well, I was hoping, since everyone else is busy…maybe you'd wanna hang out?"

"Since everyone else is busy, Bella?" I said sarcastically. I mean, what kind of an invite was that?

"No. That's not what I meant…"

"Well, I'm going out…" I was pushing it and getting a little nervous that this would backfire, but I had to make it good.

"No, stay," she said moving toward me. "I don't want to be alone right now, Edward…"

I was about to interrupt. That just wasn't good enough. I wanted her to want to be with _me_ not with just anyone.

But she finished quietly, "…I don't want to be without _you_ right now."

"Bella," I moaned, crossing the space between us with two large steps. In less than one second she was in my arms and electricity flowed between us. _Thank you, Emmett_.

She wrapped her arms around me and I kissed her softly. Bella wasn't interested in softly. She turned me around, pushing me down on to the bed. I looked up into her eyes, her red irises blazing like hot coals, fueled by the intensity between us, and saw no hint of anger.

"I don't want to forget, Edward, it wasn't so long ago I looked at you from up here," she whispered, and I thought of her on top of me in the meadow. The difference was that this time I couldn't hurt her. I could cup her hip bone in my palm without fear of my touch grinding it to dust. I could hold her bottom lip between my teeth without risk of drawing blood. I could lose myself in lust without the burn of the thirst overtaking my body.

I noticed her familiar but subtly different flavor; her venom tasted even more delectable than her saliva. In that moment, the guilt I felt for changing her was pushed to the back of my mind. Surely this was how Bella and I should be together, as equals. I clutched her body tightly to mine and she didn't shiver because my touch wasn't cold. Our lips were soft against each other—no longer flesh pressed to stone. She saw me for what I really was—a vampire or a monster, anything but a human—and I didn't have to lie to convince her otherwise.

We stayed like that for nearly an hour, her mouth exploring mine as my hands memorized her waist and back, grazing only occasionally across her breasts. We tested each other with touches and kisses like teenagers in search of boundaries. I longed for her to show me there were none.

About forty-eight amazing minutes into our exploratory make out session, Bella ran her hand up my shirt, her fingers finding one of my nipples. I groaned as she started rubbing rings around its edges. I knew now what the guys meant about underestimating the power of the nipple. I moved my hand slowly, deliberately to share the sensation with her. From her back, my hand slid underneath her arm and down the curve of her breast until my thumb finally met the pointy protrusion beneath the snug black dress. Bella's eyelids fluttered, which I considered a sign of surrender. I thought perhaps she was ready for me to take control.

Not just yet. She removed her hand from inside my shirt and I was surprised to hear the quick ripping of cotton. She had torn my shirt apart from the neck down. She removed her lips from mine and her eyes stared down into mine with smoldering concentration for a fraction of a second. Her stare was not apprehensive or questioning. It was certain and commanding. She was not asking; she was telling, and I agreed wholeheartedly. Her mouth shot down to my other nipple and I seriously thought I was going to come in my pants. _Who knew?_ Everyone but me apparently.

My hand was resting on the silky fabric draped across her ass. _It's now or never_, I thought as I slid my hand up the dress, lingering on her bare skin. She didn't object. "Edward," she moaned as she ceased the suction on my nipple. She kissed her way up my chest and began licking my neck. I shuttered at the sensation of her warm, soft tongue gliding across my skin, leaving a cool, wet wake behind it. That was very distracting. _What was I about to do?_ _Oh, yes_, I remembered, _Bella's naked ass, currently in my hand._

I began moving my hand around her thigh until I found the string of her panties. _Jackpot_. I looped one finger in the side and pulled them down. Bella moved on to my neck, kissing me behind the ear and running her tongue along the outer rim of my ear lobe.

I wanted to touch her so badly that I actually groaned from the painful anticipation as I slid my fingertips down her pelvis and finally made contact with her slick inner lips. Now, I had seen women's sex organs in text books a hundred times. But navigating that thing was like piloting a space shuttle through a meteor storm. I fumbled my way around a little, my fingers slipping and sliding up and down her wet center. I was feeling like a complete loser. This was the moment I'd been waiting for, and now that it had finally arrived, confusion and nerves clouded my lust. Then something totally unexpected happened.

Bella moaned. "Edward," she practically growled, moving her face in line with mine, "that feels amazing." She began kissing me feverishly. _Hell, yes_. I didn't even know what I was doing and she was loving it. I tried to inject into our kiss the overwhelming gratitude I had for this moment she was giving me. _Best gift ever_.

Every moan encouraged me to move a little further, a little deeper. I teased her entrance with my fingers, sliding just the tips in and out, until she begged me. "Do it, Edward," she pleaded softly. Just like that day in the meadow. Thankfully this time, I had a chance to make it right, to give her what she really wanted.

I rolled Bella over forcefully sat up between her knees. I removed her wet, stringy panties the rest of the way and came face to…face with my fantasies. Bella whimpered and reached for me. I offered her my left hand and she intertwined her fingers with mine. I looked into her blazing red eyes as I gently slid my index finger into her.

I struggled to put into action all of the things the guys had told me about. I positioned my thumb on her clit and as I slid my finger in and out of her, I tried not to make it obvious that I was searching for her G-spot. I added a second finger hoping that would help me find it.

It helped Bella, that's for sure. She moaned and arched her back, gripping my hand tighter. A little too tight. I added the pain to the thousand other sensations I was experiencing. The soft texture of her insides against my finger tips. The scent of her, damp and sweet, filling my senses. My hard nipples throbbing from the absence of Bella's mouth.

It was supposed to be obvious, they said. Round and spongy. _Where are you?_ I begged in my mind. Then I realized I was supposed to curl my fingers up…not down. As soon as my fingers found it Bella gasped and then she smiled. It was definitely _time_.

My eyes broke her gaze momentarily as I positioned myself at her entrance. She lifted her head to watch and I was glad I would be able to watch her expression as that famous first moan escaped her mouth once my lips touched her. I did just as suggested and started slowly, kissing her inner thigh. It felt a little like cheating, going exactly as instructed, but I had to impress her. I ran my tongue along the fold between her thigh and pelvis. She moaned and lowered her right leg to the side to give me better access. She wanted me to…taste it.

I kissed the spot above her clit and eventually open my mouth so my bottom lip grazed the pleasure point, never stopping my motions inside her. The famous moan came, like music to my ears, and it hardly ceased from that point on. I lifted my mouth slightly to breathe a warm gust of air onto her wetness. Her body shuttered at the sensation and I knew I was on the right track. I placed my lips back on her and let my tongue slide out from between them, taunting her clit. She moaned my name and I put more force behind my tongue. I began licking her feverishly, changing it up occasionally with kisses and pauses. Her hips were moving in rhythm with my mouth and I imagined how much more in sync we would be if I were actually inside her.

My intuition took over as I let myself wonder about my own pleasure. I removed my fingers from inside of her and slid my tongue down to her opening. I finally tasted Bella and it was glorious. So much more than I had imagined. "Bella," I moaned as my tongue ran circles around her opening. I moved my wet fingers around her clit as I slid my tongue inside her.

"So warm…" she murmured between moans, "you're so warm, Edward." Her voice was thick with persuasion. It only made me work harder. I traded positions between my fingers and tongue again, rubbing furiously inside and out. Bella's free hand found its way to the back of my head and she twisted her fingers in my hair. I remembered what Emmett had said about neglecting Bella's nipples. _Shit!_ My other hand was still tangled in Bella's. I was going to have to do this without lighting the powder kegs.

_Time_. These things take time, right? There was that godforsaken word again. I was starting to worry that I wasn't doing it right. She was still moaning, her hips moving against my mouth. I was definitely over thinking it. I tried to imagine being inside her again. I focused on how tight she felt around my fingers. I thrust into her with all the power I would have if it was my dick plunging into her.

Bella's moans became words. Instructions. "Harder," she was begging, "Harder."

I put even more force behind my tongue, hoping I could just give her what she wanted. Bella kept pleading with me, "Harder, Edward, harder…that's it Edward, that's it..."

Holy shit. I was about to make Bella come. Holy shit.

I glanced up at her as she closed her eyes and lay her head down. She squeezed my hand tighter and moaned something about her "light." Was that some kind of euphemism for an orgasm in girl language? Her body started trembling, just a little bit harder and the bed would have been shaking from it. She began screaming my name, I was sure it was loud enough to be heard for miles. She pulled my hair until the pain was nearly intolerable. She was so caught up in the moment she was forgetting how strong she was. I could literally feel my chest puff up with pride. A primal satisfaction rose in me as I heard my name, soaked in pleasure, leave her lips. I had never felt more like a man. Not even when I was one.

I slowed my movements as her screams quieted. She released her grasp from my hand and hair and put her hands over her face. "Was I loud?" she asked innocently.

"No, not at all," I said, my lips still against her.

She moaned and I kept talking, "In fact, I was nearly disappointed. I'd like to see if I can make you scream my name louder." I brushed my tongue against her clit and began massaging her insides again, this time with confidence. She did scream louder that time, and I wondered if it was because of the new-found faith in my abilities or if it was because my left hand was free to ignite the powder kegs. I squeezed her nipple through the fabric of her dress as she came and heard a rawer tone in her voice; a tone that came from pain mixed with pleasure.

"That was better," I said as her breathing began to slow. "But I wonder," I mused as I sat up on my knees and began to slide her dress up her body, "if we could do better without this old rag in the way?"

She laughed, a rich laugh that was thick lust and anticipation of things to come as she lifted her torso slightly off the bed so I could slip the dress over her head. _No bra, just as I suspected_. Her breasts were so perky and round, a bra would be redundant. I thought I might hint to Alice though, that they might be nice just for show once in awhile.

"Oh, Bella," I gasped as I buried my head between her breasts. I spent time there, appreciating every inch of the soft white peaks capped with pink snow. As I grazed, I felt a possessiveness I hungered to vocalize. I wanted to growl that she was mine, that she could never leave me, that I would kill anyone who came between us. But I knew better. I never said the right thing with Bella. Whenever I talked about my feelings for her I stuck my foot in my mouth. So instead I closed my lips around her nipple as I slid my fingers in and out of her. Her body moved rhythmically against mine in time with my thrusts. I lifted my left leg just high enough to engulf her thigh beneath me. As I pulled my legs closed I felt her thigh brush against my erection and I moaned into her breast.

Bella began moving her body up and down more forcefully, rubbing her thigh harder and harder against me. It occurred to me that I probably looked like dog humping a fire hydrant. I totally understood why the fuck they did that now. I wanted my jeans off so badly. I wanted to feel her skin against my dick. _Oh hell, who am I kidding?_ I wanted to feel her insides against my dick.

Her third orgasm came even quicker than the last. I was a little disappointed because this time I felt like I was close to climaxing even with my jeans in the way. "Edward," she whispered, "I feel so selfish…"

I cut her off, immediately feeling guilty for thinking about my own pleasure. Just one day ago I was afraid she would never let me touch her again and here she was letting me touch her in all the ways I had dreamed of.

"This," I said rising up on to my knees and scooting back off of her leg, "is the greatest," I kissed her dripping center, "pleasure I have ever known." I continued kissing and licking, wondering idly how many times Jasper or Emmett had gotten their girls off consecutively without ever even penetrating. Surely I still had a good three hours before school. I prepared to set a record like an Olympic fucking swimmer. _Stand back, Michael Phelps_.

"A greater pleasure than…biting me, Edward?" Bella panted as she came close to number four.

"Yes, Bella." It was true. I had thought that biting Bella would be the ultimate satisfaction, but it turned out to be a means to an end. This end, this pleasure. "I've been dreaming about tasting you since before the first day I met you." As I spoke, I thrust my fingers harder into to make up for the absence of clitoral stimulation. She came as the last words left my lips, and I moved my tongue down to her opening to taste the filmy venom as is seeped from her.

I started to work on number five when Bella ran her hand through my hair and down to the back of my neck. "Edward," she breathed, "come here please."

I shifted my body on top of her and my face met hers. My fingers lingered on her…vagina. I had this overwhelming urge to refer to it as a…pussy. I wondered how Bella would feel about that.

I stared into her eyes and she lifted her head until her lips met mine. Now she was ready for softly. _Here I am with a rock hard, pulsating erection, thinking about using the word "pussy," and now she's read for softly._ Time, right?

I rolled on to my side pulling her with me. I used my hand to bring her to another climax as we kissed tenderly. I could feel the vibration of sound waves leaving her lips as she moaned into my mouth. It was different that time. Like a beautiful melody drawing to a dramatic but sweet crescendo. I wondered if this is how I would end Bella's Lullaby, the song that I was writing for her as it came.

"Do you want to go down to the piano, Bella?" I asked, as I ran my finger across her smile.

"Sure," her mouth turned down as she bit her bottom lip, "can we…come back upstairs later?"

I laughed, grateful there was plenty sex drive to go around, and watched her eyes dance at the sound of my laugher. The air around us was so light; I thought for sure that something had changed between us.

"For eternity, Bella, if you'd like." It seemed like the right thing to say at the time. _Time_.

* * *

**A/N: A HUGE, sparkly, 9-inch thanks to EdwardsBloodType for proofreading this; she is my smut sensei. So proud to earn your seal of approval, teach. If you love some great smut, but also lots of romance and plot, check out "I'll Be Your Lover Too." It's complete now, so go spend all night reading it! :)**

**Thanks for reading and reviewing! Muah!**


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: **_**Twilight**_** belongs to Stephanie Meyer. **

Chapter 15: Confidence Shared

**BPOV**

I stood like stone in the shower. Water that would have been intolerably cold to my human body, felt merely cool as it rushed through my hair and down my back. My teeth could not chatter. Goosebumps could not form. Hypothermia could not set in. So there I stood, thinking over the night's events.

_For eternity, Bella, if you'd like_, he had said.

_Eternity, huh?_

"Actually, Edward, I feel like I need a cold shower." I had glanced over the length of his body beside me, seeing his desire for me straining his jeans. "You do too, I think."

I had jumped up quickly, extricating myself from his grasp before I could say anything horrible and start another fight or change my mind and stay with him. I went straight to the closet and pulled out the first garment bag my hands found. I went straight to the bathroom and into the shower. I had heard Edward enter the bathroom to grab his toothbrush, but he didn't try to speak to me; he left as quietly as he came.

What had I done, giving into my body like that? I was no less conflicted than the first moment I woke up from burning. My body ached to be hear him and my mind forced me to push him away. I wasn't being honest with myself, and more importantly, I wasn't being fair to him. He gave himself so fully. And then I spat in his face. Again.

The worst part was hurting Edward in some vain attempt to make myself feel better. The second worst part was the way my body still throbbed for him. We could have gone on like that all day if I hadn't let my brain get the better of me. I let the tepid water wear down my raging libido until I heard the Volvo leave the driveway.

I unzipped the garment bag, revealing black dress slacks and a bright red v-neck tank top. _Great. This should really bring out the color of my eyes_. It felt weird, not wearing a bra with a shirt like this, and I went back to the closet to find one. I rummaged around until if found a drawer full of lacy undergarments. I chose a matching red bra and panty set. I found a pair of glossy red sandals and slipped them on my feet. _Alice would be so proud._

I came downstairs to an empty house, and wandered outside to find Esme in the garden. "Has everyone headed out for the day?" I asked her.

"Yes, Bella, they all left a few minutes ago. I trust you had an…eventful night?"

I stared at her blankly and she continued, "Carlisle and I were at least five miles away when we heard you…" she trailed off; finishing the sentence was wholly unnecessary.

"Oh, that loud, huh?" I said, burying my face in my hands.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of honey, that's one of the many reasons we live so far from town," she replied with a smile.

I watched for a bit while she transplanted pansies. "So, Bella, I think maybe it's time you and I had a little talk." She rose up from her kneeling position and nodded to a bench across the yard.

We walked over to the bench and I sat down, a little apprehensive. "What…what do you want to talk about, Esme?" I questioned.

"Well, Bella, I think it's time you told me how you feel about Edward. I mean, really feel about him. He was pretty broken up when he left for school this morning."

"What did he say?"

"He didn't really want to talk about it but I could see it in his face. He doesn't know what to do with you. You're his first love, Bella. His first…and only love."

"He was doing everything right, I guess. _Really_ right. It's just that…" I struggled to put my thoughts into words without hurting Esme's feelings. This was her son we were talking about after all.

"Go on, Bella," Esme encouraged.

"It's just that I want him, yes, maybe I even love him. I feel so hopelessly connected to him…but that part of me, that humanly Bella part of me can't let go of what he did to me. He took away my life, Esme, how can I just overlook that?"

I felt like accepting Edward would be like choosing this life over my old one. I'd be saying that this is what I want and everything I had before wasn't worth anything. How could I just write off everything that I had known and loved?

"I understand that Bella. All I can offer you is my own experience."

Had Esme experienced these feelings with Carlisle? They were so utterly in love just like Alice and Jasper and Rosalie and Emmett—it never occurred to me that the others may have suffered through the same resentful feelings against their…creator.

"Did you resent Carlisle for taking your life away from you?" I asked, disbelieving.

"Not exactly." She paused and prefaced her next statement, "Bella, this isn't something I'm proud of, but when I was brought into that hospital that last day of my human life…I was hoping to die. I had tried to take my own life that day."

I stared in shock. What could bring such a perfectly put-together woman to suicide?

"After my baby boy died—he was only a few days old—I jumped off of a cliff."

_Oh, Esme_, I wanted to say, _I'm so sorry_. But I didn't. I just started at her heartbroken expression. At least 80 years later, her loss was just as profound.

At seventeen I had never thought much about having children. It just seemed like a given; you grow up, get married, have kids. Now, like Esme, I would never be able to have a child, but at least I didn't know what I was missing. At least I had never held my own flesh and blood in my arms. At least I had no fleeting human memories of a pair of eyes just like my own staring devotedly up at me. At least I'd never have to wonder "what if," because it had never been a possibility.

"I didn't resent Carlisle for taking my life away…I resented him for giving it back to me." I understood.

"It's so backwards isn't it, Esme? The prospect of an immortal life…it seems like it should be so promising, so many possibilities, so much life to live…and sometimes it is. Sometimes I get excited thinking about all the opportunities that are open to me. But a lot of the time…" I said, looking away from her into the woods to the west, toward the direction of Charlie's house. "A lot of the time it's depressing. Overwhelming and depressing. It reminds me of everything I've lost in exchange."

"I know, Bella," she said, reaching for me. She clasped her palm over the back of my hand.

"How did you get over it? I mean, you and Carlisle are just fine now…better than fine."

"It took a little time, Bella. I felt that same draw to him that you feel toward Edward."

"Do you feel Carlisle's presence, Esme? Like a light, when you close your eyes?" I asked, begging for her to validate me.

"No, Bella, I'm not sure what you're talking about."

I had to be honest with her if expected to actually make any progress. "Edward," I whispered, "I can feel him, I can see him when I close my eyes. Even when I was burning, his presence was the only sensation I could separate from the pain."

She shook her head no.

"Yeah, I should have figured. Alice said she'd never heard of anything like that before either."

"You are very special, Bella, you and…Edward."

I looked away again when she said his name, like she was pleading for me to acknowledge what fate was pushing on us.

"I'll tell you this, Bella, harboring resentment is toxic. You think you can wield it, use it to hurt the person who hurt you. And you may be able to. But it will hurt you too, so much more. It will consume you from the inside out and make you miserable."

"So what, Esme? I should just give in? Just allow him everything he wants while I've given up everything?" I felt myself getting defensive. I had already experience the poison she was talking about. When I hurt Edward, I hurt myself also.

"No, Bella. Not unless you decide what _he_ wants is what _you_ want too," she assured me, stroking the back of my hand with her thumb. "All I'm saying is…work through those feeling of resentment and hatred, free yourself of that bondage so you can move on with your life."

"How do I do that, Esme?"

"You need closure, Bella. You need to take stock of everything you feel like you've lost. You need to say goodbye to your humanity."

It was time to move on, I knew it. I needed peace. "How did you do it?"

She laughed a little. "I snuck out. Edward was away on a hunt and Carlisle was working overnights at the time. I was just a few weeks old, pretty much forbidden to leave the house on my own…you know, the red eyes, the thirst…" I nodded, _trapped_.

"Where did you go?"

"I went to my baby's grave. I spoke to him. I told him I was sorry I didn't get to go to heaven with him." I squeezed her hand as she continued, "I sobbed for a long time but, of course, the tears never came. I prayed that God would take care of my baby and I said goodbye."

I grabbed Esme in my arms and rubbed her back gently. I was so grateful for the way she had shared so much with me and I tried to relate, but the fact of the matter was that Esme had had nothing left to live for. All she gave up was the chance to die. I gave up so much more. Charlie and Renee. College and marriage and having babies and growing old. I would be forever seventeen while the life that should have been mine would pass me by.

"You'll have your chance to say goodbye, Bella. And you'll decide to move on or not. You'll decide if what you've gained is worth what you've lost. Not that this life is better than the one you had…but if the price you paid was worth getting you to where you're supposed to be."

"And if I decide it's not?" I asked, wondering where I would turn if that happened.

"Well, Bella, then you'll choose what to do next. I can't predict the future," she said with a smile.

We talked then a little about Alice and her gift. A lighter subject. I asked if she could ever be surprised, like on her birthday or Christmas.

"Pretty much, no," Esme said laughing, "if we work very closely with Jasper to get her distracted while we decide and shop and then try very hard not to think about it anymore. Sometimes we can get her, but it's very difficult. Edward has never been surprised, I'll tell you that. But he's very good at playing along."

We chatted casually about Edward. About his personality, his likes and dislikes, his quirks, his moods. I still wondered what things he told me in the meadow were true. I figured out he was really very honest; he just subtracted everything that had to do with being a vampire. I couldn't really blame him for that anymore. The time might come that I may have to do the same.

* * *

**A/N: Short. But meaningful, I hope. Let me know what you're thinking. Thank you for your patience with Bella, and for encouraging me simply by coming back chapter after chapter! **

**A huge thanks to the fabulous HunterHunting. She was sweet enough to rec Fate in her witty, angsty, UST-filled AH Clipped Wings & Inked Armor. Edward has a dirty mouth, tattoos…and tongue ring…think about that for one long second, then go read and review! **


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: **_**Twilight**_** belongs to Stephanie Meyer. **

Chapter 16: Prank Plotted

**EPOV**

I spent the entire day with the lingering taste of mint in my mouth. _Toothpaste…nearly as disgusting as peanut butter_. It had been years since I'd had to brush my teeth…since that time Emmett dared me to drink skunk blood and I got sprayed directly in my open mouth. When I'd come down for school this morning, Em was all too willing to point out, in front of Esme, of course, that a tooth brushing was necessary. Bella was a taste I would have much rather mulled over all day, but it was too much for my horny brother's overly sensitive olfactory glands to handle.

I breathed a sigh of relief as we pulled into the driveway. I had made it through another agonizing day of school without Bella. I was eager to see her again, not just for the chance to set things straight between us, but simply to be near her. I came through the door and noticed Bella and Esme were outside in the garden together. I wondered if they had been out there all day. What had they been talking about?

_It's begun, Edward. She needs to go through this so she can move on_, Esme thought

_NO!_ My mind screamed. I couldn't watch it. I couldn't sit by while Bella broke down, leaving me more powerless to comfort her than I already was.

"Yard work!" Esme called out to us and we headed for the back yard. Spring was coming on strong and weeds were sprouting up all over the lawn. Tons of branches lay on the ground throughout the property from harsh winter storms and it was time for the first mow of the season. Esme could have done it all by herself in no time but we had all decided a long time ago that it was something we would do together.

In the fall we would rake massive leaf piles, at least fifteen feet high, and jump and play in them like children. In the winter when it snowed we would have snowball wars. Yes, wars, not fights. We took this stuff pretty seriously. It was the kind of thing that not only passed the time, but also bonded us together and made us feel like a normal family.

We each had our own yard duties. Alice and Rosalie would pull weeds. As I wasn't allowed to drive the lawnmower—I just couldn't go slow enough to cut the grass properly—that job was assigned to Jasper. Emmett did all the "heavy" lifting tasks like soil, mulch, stonework. I did the detail work, trimming hedges and such.

We all waited as Esme called out directions. "I want to put in a little waterfall over there this year, maybe with a koi pond. What do you think, Alice?"

"Ah, yes, Esme, it will be beautiful," Alice said as she saw the structure in the future and in turn, so did I. "Little" was not a good descriptor for what Esme had planned. It would be a fun project though.

"Alright, Jasper, you know what to do," she said pointing to the shed where we kept the mower. I gave him a dirty look; I never got to ride the mower. "Emmett you start leveling the ground for the waterfall, about a ten by ten space should do. Girls," she said looking at Rose, Alice, _and_ Bella, "get to work on these weeds. Edward, will you help me with the rest of those pansies?"

_Great, alone time with mom_. I knew she was dying to talk with me about this morning. You know, the sex talk. I was pretty sure Esme and Carlisle thought Bella and I went all the way thanks to the way she was screaming my name so loud that people in town probably wondered if a lioness was in heat. Then a thought occurred to me, _maybe_ _she and Bella had had the sex talk_. I was really wishing there was like a score card for things like this. I thought about what my progress report from Bella might look like as we crossed to the far end of the yard.

Kissing…..A

Fingering….B-

Licking…..A

Giving with out receiving….A++

Dear Mrs. Cullen,

Edward did very well on his oral examination today; however, he needs to work on his coordination, and remember that the G-spot is up, not down. Otherwise, he is coming along nicely and should be an expert in no time.

Sincerely,

Ms. Swan

P.S. Next time he should try more dirty talk. "Pussy" would be a great start!

"Edward! Hey, Edward," Esme called waving her hand in front of her face. "I said bring that flat of pansies over here, honey!"

I bent over and picked up the pansies, holding the flat just below my waist, hoping it was hiding my gigantic erection.

Aside from wanting to know what Bella thought of my…performance. I also wanted to know what it was that the two of them had discussed that had started Bella's "crash," as she had phrased it, the part where she would inevitably come down from the high.

I knelt beside Esme as she dug a small hole in the ground. I pulled a plant gently from the flat and placed it in the hole. Esme covered the roots with soil and moved on to the next hole. "So," I asked quietly, hoping Bella was far enough away and engrossed in her conversation with the girls that she couldn't hear, "what did you and Bella talk about today?"

Esme kept her words in her mind. _We talked about closure, Edward. She needs it. She needs a chance to say goodbye to what's behind her before she can see what's right in front of her_. She motioned toward me. That made sense. Like I thought before, we'd all been through it. It was a natural step in our way of life. But watching it this time would be impossibly more painful. Seeing Bella go through this would be so much more agonizing than when the others went though it…than when I went through it.

Like Esme, I didn't have too much left to say goodbye to. Both of my parents were dead, I had no other living relatives, no good friends…I was just a kid. I decided to leave Carlisle and Esme for awhile. The way Amish kids leave out on their own and commit all kinds of debauchery so they can decide if they want stay in the community or live in the real world. I lived that way for awhile, lurking in the shadows, feeding on humans I deemed to be evil. That's about as debaucherous as it gets for a vampire accustomed to abstinence from human blood. I sorted through my anger against Carlisle for forcing me into this life and I decided to come back to him and his lifestyle. I returned home like the prodigal son, to wide smiles and open arms.

That's what I wanted for Bella. I wanted her to choose me. To wade through all that shit that was keeping her from me, to really weigh her options, and to choose me. I would be here, ready to welcome her home when that time came. _If_ that time came.

_Time_.

"Did she say anything about…" I started to ask in a whisper.

Esme laughed and answered me with out opening her mouth. _I didn't ask her, Edward. But she did say something…_

Esme replayed a small snippet of their conversation for me. Esme and Bella were sitting on the bench, just like when I arrived home earlier. Bella opened her mouth to speak, "He was doing everything right, I guess. _Really_ right. It's just that…" Esme cut off the memory before Bella could finish the sentence.

"'_Really_ right?' That's all I get?" I asked, tossing my hands in the air. After that show-stopping performance? Didn't she realize she got off _five_ times?

_Did you see the look on her face, son? She was pleased, that's for sure. _

"What did she say after that, Esme?"

_Edward, I'm not going to betray her confidence. And I have a feeling it's not anything you don't already know_. Esme started humming to keep her mind from revealing anything further.

I looked behind me at Bella. She was on her hands and knees, her ass sticking straight up in the air, bobbing from side to side as she laughed and carried on with Alice and Rosalie. Emmett crossed the yard and stood there talking with them, leaning casually on a shovel.

I imagined coming up from behind her…running my hand up her red tank top and feeling her bare breasts. Her nipples would be so perky. She would slide down her tight black pants to her knees and I would rip her thongs off with one quick motion. She would beg for it as I teased her with my fingers. I was just about to take my pants off when Esme's voice called out to me.

"Here, Edward, take the rest of these," she said handing me the half empty flat, "over to the girls and tell them to plant them around that birch."

"Sure thing," I said taking the plants and remaining crouched on my knees, hoping my erection would dissipate quickly.

"Well, go!" Esme said, shoving me in the arm.

I shuffled across the yard, trying to focus on anything but Bella's ass in those tight pants. That was when I heard Emmett's thoughts, _Shit, here he comes, better get back to…uh, that monologue I've been working on…But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?_ He continued on as he ran back to the hill he was clearing for the waterfall. _It is the East, and Juliet is the sun!_ I wondered what shifty thoughts I had missed while I was wrapped up in Bella. I never missed out on anything until she came into my life.

I gave Alice and inquisitive look as her eyes met mine, wondering when she was going to tell Bella about the memorial service.

_Not yet_, she thought, _she's had a pretty heavy day so far, let's wait until later_.

I wondered how much of Esme and Bella's conversation Alice had seen…and how I was going to get access to her mind to find out.

I handed her the flat of flowers, casually glancing down to make sure my erection wasn't terribly noticeable. "Oh, hey, Edward," Bella said as I towered over her bent frame. She rose up on her knees and I could see straight down her shirt. _What's this? Red lace? Thank you, Alice. _

"This is fun, huh?" Bella continued.

"Yeah, one of our favorite family things…" It was kind of awkward, standing there talking to her, wondering what that fucking bra looked like, and feeling Rosalie and Alice's eyes fixed intently on us.

"So, Bella, about last night. Can we do that again?" No, of course I didn't say that.

"So, Bella," I asked, "wanna work on the piano a little more today?"

"Actually," Bella said with an oddly suggestive smile, "I was hoping we could go upstairs and work on some music. I've got this tune in my head and I need help putting it on paper."

_Awesome, a composer, like me_. "Yeah, totally," I said, turning to Alice, "can you two finish up with these pansies?"

"Around the birch tree, right?" Alice replied.

"Yeah," I turned back to Bella, "let's go, Mozart." She giggled and stood up, wiping the dirt off her knees.

"I think I ruined these pants, Alice." Bella said.

"No problem. Look in the third drawer on the right, there should be some fabulous Gucci jeans in there that will amazing with that top."

"Thanks, Alice, you're the best," Bella said with a wink as she turned for the house. I wondered what that was about, but only fleetingly, as my mind was suddenly flooded with images of Bella in fantastic designer jeans. I followed her into the house and up the stairs, never taking my eyes off her ass. Seriously, I could walk behind her up stairs all day long. _Maybe we should add another story to the house_, I thought as we reached the top step of the third floor. Bella opened the bedroom door…our bedroom door and headed straight for the closet, closing the door behind her. _Damn_.

"Did you find them?" I called out as I fished some blank music sheets from my desk drawer.

"Yeah, they're fantastic!" she squealed, and I could hear her pulling them on. I immediately wanted to pull them _off_ when she opened the closet door.

"There were so many to choose from, but I picked these," she said turning her back to me and sticking her butt out, "'cause of these little butterflies on the pockets." She shimmed her ass back and forth, "See, aren't they cute?"

"Adorable," I said, lowering my arms so that the pieces of paper I was holding covered my crotch. Smoking hot. Sexy. Tantalizing. Unbefuckinglieveable. Those were much better adjectives for how those jeans looked on her ass.

"So," she said sauntering across the room and taking a seat on the bed. When she finally sat down I was able to take my eyes off her butt and listen. "How does this writing music thing work?"

I pulled my desk chair across the room in front of where she was sitting on the bed and sat down. "Well, start with the melody and we'll break it down into notes, you know this really would be easier if we were at the piano."

"Oh really," she said leaning over so I could see right down her v-neck shirt, "I'd just rather be up here, you know, away from everybody." She bit her bottom lip and batted her eyelashes. She could have asked me to join her on the fucking moon and I would have went along without thinking twice.

"Yeah, so," I cleared my throat, stalling until I could get control of my brain, "why don't you hum the tune for me?"

She nodded and started humming. It sounded very familiar. It sounded like something I'd heard before. She was definitely not a composer.

"Bella," I interrupted her, "that's Peter Cetera."

"What?" she asked ingenuously.

"Bella, that's 'Glory of Love.'"

"Huh? What are you talking about?"

"_The Karate Kid_?" She still looked at me impassively. I started singing, "I am man who will fight for your honor…I'll be the hero that you're dreaming of…"

"Oh…I guess that's why it was so stuck in my head, it's a real song," she said like a complete ditz, which I was sure she was not.

"What is this about, Bella? Were you just trying to get me up here…alone?"

"No, Edward!" she said, feigning disbelief as she reached out and slapped me playfully on the arm. "I really thought I was on to something!"

"Whatever! Come on, Bella, tell me the truth!" I said jokingly. She was so playing me.

"I'm serious!" she threw her hands in the air and laughed. I saw the opportunity for something else I had really wanted to do that day in the meadow.

It felt so natural. I tossed the music sheets in the air dramatically and attacked her. "The truth, Bella!" I growled as my hands flew to her abdomen. I tickled her furiously. She writhed on the bed, pinned between my legs. She giggled so loudly that her high pitches filled the room and bounced off the walls. As she shook her shirt got twisted and I could see a little of her red lace bra peeking out on the right.

"It's the truth! It's the truth!" she squealed.

I growled again, "I don't believe you!"

"I'll never tell!" she screamed.

"And I'll never stop!" But that was a lie because my erection was throbbing and I couldn't stay on top of her like that much longer.

"Okay, okay, I surrender," she said waving her hands above her head. "I'll tell! I'll tell!"

I removed my hands from her sides but kept her pinned beneath me. "Alright, spill it, Swan"

"I…uh…" she said through her remaining burst of laughter, "I…just wanted…to be alone with you for awhile, okay?"

I suspected as much. I folded my arms across my chest and gave a wide grin. "Was that so hard?" I asked her.

"Yes, it was dreadfully hard," she said, sitting up and pressing her body against me. Then she moved so fast I didn't even know what was happening. She swung by body around with great force and threw me to the bed. Now she was pinning me beneath her. I tried to push her off, but her hold was so strong I couldn't move my legs at all. "Let me show you just how hard it is!" she yelled and commenced returning the tickles.

I bit back my laughter and controlled my face so it wouldn't show. "Bella, you're wasting your time. I'm not ticklish."

"Oh really," she said, sliding her hands up my torso to my underarms. _Dammit, how did she know? _I lost my resolve completely. Now my…giggles were filling the room and I was mortified by how girly my laugh sounded. Even through the laughter and the painful sensation of being tickled, I couldn't help but note how sweet the moment was. It was perfect and I was thankful I would be able to recall it with perfectly clarity everyday for eternity.

"Okay, truce!" I yelled in surrender.

"That's what I thought!" she said in a huff, removing her hands from my body. I reached up and grabbed one of her hands and placed it over my dead heart.

"What?" she asked as I stared into her eyes.

"I just wanted to see if the electricity could restart my heartbeat." So cheesy, but then, I was thinking and saying a lot of cheesy things these days.

"Do you use that line on all the new born vampires, Cullen?" she said with a smirk.

"Only the most beautiful. And you are the most beautiful."

She smiled and bent down, moving her hand to the right and kissing the spot where my heart lay motionless inside my chest. Of course, that spot was dangerously close to my nipple. "Hummm," she said and looked up at me.

"What?" She shifted her body slightly and I felt her pelvis brush across my erection. "Oh," I realized, covering my face with one hand.

"Bella!" Alice's voice rang from downstairs.

Bella jumped up off the bed and smiled down at me. She turned and walked out the door.

_There's a term for that, 'cock-blocked,' I think is what it's called_.

Twice in one day. At least this time I didn't say anything to bring it on. What the fuck was Alice thinking? I searched her thoughts.

She was about to tell Bella about the memorial service. _NO!_ She wasn't ready…I wasn't ready.

I sprang off the bed and down the stairs, completely ignoring the throbbing inside my pants.

"Bella, let's have a seat on the couch," Alice said as I appeared at the bottom of the stairs.

"Actually, Bella, we haven't had your piano lesson yet today," I sneered at Alice.

"But Alice wanted to talk to me about something…" Bella said, turning to Alice.

_Fine, Edward. Have it your way_, Alice thought. "No, Bella, I was just going to pick your brain about some clothing choices, go ahead."

"Okay, if you're sure," Bella said, moving toward the piano and sitting at the bench. "What's up today, teach?" she asked me smiling. She seemed so happy. She was in such a good mood. I just didn't want to see it disappear.

I took my seat next to her on the bench as she placed her fingers on the keys. "Okay this is called 'On Top of Spaghetti,'" I said and she laughed. "No, really it's great for two people. Watch me a couple times and then jump in, okay?"

She nodded her head a tentative yes.

After just one round of the song, Bella joined in and we played together in perfect harmony. I couldn't help but liken it to the way we moved so rhythmically together on the bed. We played the song a couple more times as Alice yelled at me in her thoughts.

_Edward, we have to tell her!_

"Let's play another one, Bella," I suggested.

"Chopsticks?" she proposed in return.

I was stalling. _Edward, she needs to know. There's no more putting this off_, Alice thought. _You don't have to be here, you know_. There was definitely going to be a fall-out from this news and I was the last person she would want around when it came.

I surveyed the room…who hadn't been hunting in awhile? Emmett's eyes were the blackest.

"Hold that thought, Bella. It's about to get dark, Emmett and I should go hunt."

"Dude, I'm cool," Emmett said raising his hands palms out. Rosalie smacked him in the shoulder and he got the hint. "You know, I _am_ a little thirsty now that I think about it."

Bella looked a little disappointed. "I'll teach you when I get back…we've got all night, right?" I lied. By the time I got back, there would be no piano playing. I only hoped Bella would still want me around.

**BPOV**

I could tell Emmett didn't want to go hunting with Edward. We'd worked so hard to pull this prank on him and now Emmett would have to guard his thoughts so closely the whole time they were away together.

I was so giddy when Emmett approached us in the yard with his plan. It was so devious and I felt special, being the only one who could make it work. I had to…distract him, they said.

It honestly didn't occur to me that Edward probably knew every song that had ever been written and recorded since recording was invented. _The Karate Kid! Duh!_ At least I had had a secret weapon; Esme had told me how ticklish he was beneath his arms.

When Edward and Emmett were well out of hearing range I asked Rose if Emmett was going to be able to keep up the ruse.

"I hope so…I didn't do all that engine work for nothing," Rosalie replied.

"Yeah, I'll kick his ass if he messes this up, I mean, that was tough up there. I almost blew my cover!" I expected everyone to laugh but no one did.

"Bella, there _is_ something we should talk about," Alice said patting the seat next to her on the sofa.

I got up from the piano bench and sat beside Alice. "What is it, Alice? Does he know? Did you see him figure it out before he started the car?" I was so disappointed!

"No, Bella, this isn't about Edward…or the prank. It's about you," Alice responded with a grave look on her face. What was this all about? I was starting to get nervous, and I know Jasper sensed it because he started walking toward me.

"Don't, Jasper, please," I said holding up a hand to him. "I can handle it…whatever it is."

"Bella, we just thought that you should know…" I was getting really tired of the dramatic pauses. _Spit it out, Alice! _I pleaded for her to finish with my eyes. "They're holding a memorial service for you tonight at the Methodist Church in town. Your mom just arrived about an hour ago from the airport."

I stopped breathing. I stopped thinking. I just went…numb.

Alice looked up at Jasper and he nodded that she should continue. "They decided not to go through the motions of a funeral…with no body. They've purchased a grave stone though, for the plot next to Charlie's. He'll get up and say a few words, a big stretch for him, I think. A lot of people will show up to honor you."

It was so unfair! All those people mourning me and I wasn't even dead! Here I was having tickle fights and playing pranks, while across town the people I loved were suffering.

I stayed motionless and silent for a long time. No one stirred around me. "What time?" I finally asked Alice.

"Seven."

I looked at the clock on the living room wall. It was 6:45.

"I have to go," I said with no emotion.

Carlisle broke his stone façade. "Bella, you know we can't let you do that…"

Alice cut him off, "I've seen it, Carlisle. She'll go completely unnoticed."

"I just want to listen and watch. I won't let anyone see me, Carlisle. Please?" I asked, as if I really needed his permission.

"Let her go," Esme urged him. A silent exchange passed between them, and I knew it was more than her words that convinced him. She knew; this was my chance to say goodbye.

"Of course, Bella. We trust you. Go ahead."

"Do you want me to come with you?" Alice asked as though she didn't already know the answer.

"No, Alice, I need to do this alone. Please don't send anyone after me." I stood up like a zombie and walked straight out the back door.

* * *

**A/N: Hey ya'll! Thanks for all your awesome reviews last time—you hardly seemed to mind that it was so short! So Bella will go completely unnoticed....are you guys betting on Alice?**

**I'm going to start rec'ing a story pretty much every chapter because I'm reading so many that rock. My friend ClaireBloom is writing a fantastic new story called Spellbound. It's set back in the Salem Witch Trials era. Bella is imprisoned for witchcraft (which she may or may not be guilty of), where she meets a tortured and starved vampire Edward. Seeing Edward like this will break your hearts, ya'll. It's only up to chapter two so it won't take long to get caught up. Get in on the ground floor of this one 'cause it's amazing and you'll want to be able to say, "I remember reading Spellbound before it was at two million reviews…" It's in my faves so go read and review! Muah!**


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: **_**Twilight**_** belongs to Stephanie Meyer.**

Chapter 17: Coming Down

**BPOV**

I ran through the woods, hoping I wouldn't come across Edward and Emmett. Edward was the last thing I needed right now. He was also the first thing I wanted. I could seek him out, but he would want to stop me. He'd want to take me far away so I couldn't risk hurting anyone. I had to do this…alone, without Edward.

I found a tree outside behind the church from which I would be able to see straight into the window. I hadn't climbed a tree since I was eight years old. That time I fell and broke my leg. That wouldn't happen this time. I lunged for the tree and caught it like a ball. It was an interesting sensation. I added tree climbing to the positives. I scurried up the tree with little effort and took a seat on a sturdy branch. Inside the church I heard the low rumble of voices. None of them stood out. My parents weren't saying a word.

Eventually the mulling footsteps and hushed voices stopped as people found their seats and the minister introduced himself and gave a speech about death and mourning. "Isabella is in heaven now, smiling down upon us…" _Hardly_.

"Now Isabella's father will give the eulogy," the minister said, and I saw Charlie rise from the front pew. I couldn't see his face until he reached the podium and turned to face the crowd. I was grateful for my keen eyes, even if they were red.

"Bella," Charlie said, and I was glad to have someone calling me by the name I preferred. I didn't want to be remembered as "Isabella."

Charlie continued, "was such a bright girl. She was the light of my life," he paused as he began to cry. "I remember once when she was four, we threw her a birthday party. She said she wanted it to be a Halloween theme, all black and orange with pumpkins everywhere, even though her birthday was more than a month before Halloween."

I vaguely remembered the party he was talking about; nothing specific about it, just the fact that it occurred. "Her mother had planned all these games like 'pin the nose on the pumpkin.' And there were all kinds of party favors and prizes. Bells…" he broke down, and tried to continue speaking through his tears, "she really wanted this cheap headband that had little flashing pumpkin lights sticking up out of it. When one of the other girls won the headband, Bella started to pout. I took her aside and said, 'Bella…' give me just a second, I'm sorry."

He cried into his hands for a long moment. "I said 'Bella, look at all these wonderful gifts you've gotten today, you're a very lucky young lady, you know.' And she looked up at me and she said, 'You're right, daddy. I have everything, don't I? I don't need that silly thing.' She said it just like that…like it was the simplest concept in the world to understand."

Charlie smiled and his change of expression caused two large teardrops to fall from where they were resting on his cheeks. "She was so bright. You never had to tell her anything twice, ya know. She was just so mature. So brave and self-sufficient. I only wish that I had realized…that I too had everything when I had her." He rested his hands on either side of the podium and his body heaved. "Goodbye, Bella. We love you…so much."

As Renee rose up from her seat to help him down from the podium, I realized I wasn't crying. I should have been. I felt like I was. But there were no tears. No proof. Again it didn't seem fair. They had to cry for me but I couldn't shed a tear for them.

Renee and Charlie held each other at the front of the church for a long while, until Phil got up and helped them to their seats. The minister closed the service with a prayer and directed everyone back to Charlie's for dinner.

I couldn't imagine all those people squeezing into Charlie's little house. I wanted to stay and watch as Charlie and Renee accepted condolences at the door of the church but I figured I better get a head start to the house. I hadn't said goodbye just yet…because I really didn't know how. It wasn't like I could talk to them. _And how do you say goodbye when you're not actually going anywhere?  
_

I headed straight for the house, lurking in the shadows, feeling like some kind of criminal. I slithered down underneath the kitchenette window. Inside I could see several dark-skinned women setting up a buffet line on the table. Sue Clearwater, I thought, might be one of them. I hadn't seen her since I was a little girl. She and the other Quilute wives fussed over the warm dishes. It was the first time I had been exposed to human food and the sight and smell of turkey and the other countless casseroles and side dishes disgusted me.

It was a silly thing to miss, but in that moment, I missed food. I missed turkey and gravy and mushroom ravioli and cheesecake. _Oh, God, cheesecake!_ More than the items themselves, I missed craving those foods. I missed _liking_ them. The pleasure of eating was just one more thing in the long list of things I had to say goodbye to.

I looked around the house from the outside. I could see into the kitchenette where Charlie and I would have dinners together when I was a kid. Well, not dinners so much as take-out and delivered pizza, but we ate there together none the less. Past the dining area I could see into the living room. I stared for a long while at Charlie's favorite recliner. I used to sit on the couch while he would hole up in his chair and watch sports for hours after work.

I'd usually read a book. I did a lot of reading when I would visit Forks in the summers, and I was often thankful later in life that I had had so much free time to read as a child. Many of the classics I was assigned to read in high school were already on my favorites list and I relished reading them over and over agfain and acing the tests and essays.

Sometimes I would look up from my book and just stare at Charlie as he watched TV. My favorite sport to observe him watching was basketball. His eyes would be so full of delight as he followed the ball flying up and down the court. He would get so excited when his team scored. It always seemed like the only time he was truly happy was when ESPN was on. He was an avid fan, and sometimes I was even a little jealous that he gave sports so much more attention than he gave me. I was sad to know, after hearing my own eulogy, that this fact was basically true. He regretted not spending the time with me that he could have…and I regretted it too.

As I gazed around the house, looking at the pictures on the walls and various items that sparked dusty, old memories that I could only partially recall, I realized how metaphoric this experience was. I was on the outside looking in. An outsider peeking in on a life that could never be mine again. I hated myself for not wanting this life when I had it. How I had I taken my plain, boring life for granted? If only this was all a nightmare, and I could wake up, sweating and terrified in my bed upstairs right at that moment, I would never under appreciate my life again. I would get up every morning and go to school smiling. I would be friendly and respectful and work hard to earn all the things I thought I had lost in my vampire nightmare. I closed my eyes and willed it to be a dream. When I opened them, I was still crouching outside my father's window. Still outside. Still looking in.

Guests began to arrive and I double checked to make sure I couldn't be seen. I wanted to think about how great it was to be so stealthy, like I did on my first hunt, but I was to busy wallowing in my lost humanity. That was when I realized the crash had begun. The high was over and I was tumbling down. Not hard and fast though. I was slowly and painstakingly crashing.

The growing crowd immediately descended on the food and the Quilute wives dished it out like a cafeteria line. I wondered how many of the guests were there for the free meal and how many were actually there for Charlie. Being the police chief, Charlie knew everyone in town on a first name basis, but I was afraid he didn't really have any "cry on my shoulder" type of friends. Billy Black maybe or Henry Clearwater? They were fishing buddies, not confidants. Charlie wasn't big on displaying emotions and I knew crying in front of everyone would attract more attention than he would want. But he needed someone he could confide in. Someone who could help him through this.

In a moment of selfishness, I used up my worries for Charlie on myself. Like Charlie, who would help me through this? Who's shoulder would I cry on? It was strange how we were on opposite sides of the world now—opposite sides of the window—but still the same. The same quirky personality traits remained. We were both experiencing the same feelings of regret. The same loneliness and the same need for closure. I took comfort in knowing I was still my father's daughter…dead or alive, vampire or human, we would always carry each other within ourselves.

A lot of kids from school showed up to pay their respects…or to have something to gossip about on Monday. Of course, tons of people from the reservation were there and the entire police force of Forks. I wondered briefly if anyone was actually on duty, and then I remembered how superfluous police were in a town this size; besides, most of the population was currently squeezed into Charlie's tiny house. Two guests I didn't expect to see were Carlisle and Esme.

When I first saw Carlisle's black Mercedes pull up in front of the house, I worried that they were coming to check up on me. I started feeling a little indignant, thinking they didn't really trust me. But they were dressed in all black and headed straight for the door. Esme nodded subtly in my direction. I nodded back and mouthed the words, "thank you," to her and Carlisle as the door opened. It was dark, but I knew they could read my lips as plainly as if it was daylight. If I had been in the mood for adding positives to the list anymore, I would have added night vision.

Carlisle gave a sympathetic smile and offered his hand to Charlie. Instead, Charlie grabbed him up in a bear hug. "Thank you for coming, Carlisle. Esme," he said, hugging her next. I had never seen Charlie be so physical with so many people. He was more of a "pat on the back" kind of guy. But tonight he had hugged everyone who had come through the door. Maybe he was learning something. Something about appreciating the people around you. Because you never know when they might die…or get bitten by a vampire.

Charlie introduced Renee to Carlisle and Esme, explaining who they were and how Carlisle was with the search party. I remembered that during my time in hell, Alice had said something about Charlie personally asking Carlisle to join the search. But I didn't know he had been there when Charlie got the news about me. Why didn't anyway tell me about that? Carlisle had watched as my father was told his only daughter was dead, and he never mentioned it to me? Since he had been there Alice must have known and Edward certainly. I felt betrayed. Sheltered from the truth and trapped in lies.

I shifted my attention to Renee and Esme. Renee had started to say something, but then she began to cry and her words were unintelligible. Esme took her by the hand and led her to the couch. Two men got up and offered their seats. Esme gently guided her down to the couch and handed her a beautiful embroidered handkerchief with the letters "E.P." on it. From the style of it, I could tell it was an antique. Thought it wasn't yellowed with age, it was worn from use. It seemed like the kind of thing Esme would do; pass on the handkerchief she had used when she mourned the death of her own child to a woman who was now going through the same painful experience.

Esme was a natural comforter. Even to Renee, a stranger. Renee told Esme that she blamed herself for my death. "It was so…so selfish of me to let her leave Phoenix," Renee cried. I didn't want her to spend the rest of her life feeling responsible for my death. It was a burden she just didn't deserve. I hoped Esme would know I couldn't live with that and find a way to impart that to her.

She did; Esme never ceased to amaze me. Esme held my mother's head to her chest as she sobbed. She cooed to her just as she had to me when I was writhing in pain. "I know it is hard to see this now, Renee, but none of this is your fault." She stroked Renee's hair as she spoke. "It's going to take a long time, there's no denying that, but someday you will be able to forgive yourself and you will go on living the best life you can for your daughter. I hope you will, because that's what she would want from you."

She did it. Esme said goodbye for me. She said exactly what I wished I could say to her. Surely I could rest easier knowing those words had been spoken to my mother, even if I couldn't speak them to her myself. Renee wiped her tears, gave Esme a weak but grateful smile, and tried to hand the handkerchief back to her. "No, keep it, please," Esme said, gently cupping Renee's fingers around the damp cloth, "that hanky was there during a hard time in my life, and now it's there for you." Renee nodded and brought the cloth to her nose and eyes once again. They sat there for a long while, just basking in mutual sadness and loss, until Phil came over and asked my mom if she was ready to go upstairs and pack up some of my things.

"Yes, I think I can handle it now, if you'll come with me?" Renee asked him.

Phil assured her, "Of course, hun, like I promised, I'll be beside you through it all."

I felt good knowing Renee had Phil by her side. I never thought it would be so much harder to cope with the loss of my father than my mother. Renee and I were always so close, like best friends or sisters. I had rarely seen my dad since I was a kid and I had only been back in Forks with him for a few days before I went missing. Yet somehow, it was Charlie I most empathized with. Where my mother and I were polar opposites—she was impulsive and wild, I was logical and mature—my father and I were one in the same. He was shy and withdrawn. He hated attention and kept his feeling to himself. He loved hopelessly and never let go. One in the same.

Renee thanked Esme and followed Phil up the stairs. I moved the back yard and leapt quietly into a tree so I could see into my room. For a second I was worried that I might miss something downstairs. Then I remembered I had super hearing and could keep tabs on both of them at once. Renee grabbed a carry-on size suitcase out of my closet; the one that I had just unpacked a few days ago when I arrived in Forks. Already it was on its way back to Phoenix. _Goodbye, suitcase_, I thought. "Goodbye, little yellow house," I whispered. "Goodbye, ancient truck." Yeah, that didn't help, but it was worth a try.

Renee started filling the suitcase with odds and ends of mine. First was an old stuffed animal that was sitting at the head of my bed in front of the pillows. I racked my brain to remember its significance. I had had that teddy bear for most of my human life. It was a gift from my mother. The harder I concentrated, the clearer the memory came into view. She bought it for me the first week we moved to Phoenix. I missed my dad, of course, and she thought a trip to the toy store would cheer me up even though we were flat broke, and she had to pay for it in change. Literally, she broke out the coin jar in the store. I picked out a black bear and named it "Charlie." I never went anywhere without it until I was ten and even then I still slept with it until…until now, when I didn't sleep at all. Since I had no use for it anymore, it seemed only fitting that it was going back to its home in Phoenix.

Next she walked to my nightstand and picked up a couple of my favorite books. Worn paperback copies of _Wuthering Heights_ and _The Selected Works of Jane Austen_ went into the suitcase. She went into the closet and pulled a few things off the hangers. My mom and I were about the same size clothes-wise so I assumed she wanted a few of my things to mope around the house in. Not particularly healthy, but sweet of her. She grabbed my favorite t-shirt from the dresser drawer; a Linkin Park 2004 tour shirt from a concert she took me to for my birthday. She found a photo album lying on my desk and flipped though it. As she started to cry, Phil approached her from behind and ran his hand up and down her shoulder. She closed the album and turned to Phil. They held each other for a long time while she cried into his chest. He stroked the back of her head and made comforting little comments like, "I know, sweetie, I know," and "Just let it out," and I knew she would be okay.

I got down from the tree and headed back to the window just in time to see Carlisle and Esme skirt the third insistent food offer they had received. "Oh, we've already had dinner, thank you, Sue." They finally took their leave after hugging Charlie one last time. Carlisle whispered something so directly into Charlie's ear during their hug that I couldn't hear it. As they stepped outside and the door shut behind them, I heard Esme ask Carlisle what it was he had said to Charlie.

"You said it so discretely, honey, even I couldn't hear it," Esme said, mirroring my own surprise at that fact.

"I told him to call me if he needed anything. I told him I'm not only his doctor, but I'm also his friend," Carlisle admitted quietly.

Esme looked back in my direction and smiled as they made their way to the car. After the Cullens left, people started taking it as their cue that they could leave too. I mean, how many times could they be expected to go back for seconds, and how long were they obligated to stand around talking about a dead girl they hardly knew? Phil approached Charlie and said he and Renee had better get on the road if they wanted to catch the red eye home. They were going back to Phoenix, he said, Renee couldn't stand to live anywhere else.

I was immediately struck by Phil's selflessness. I knew staying with her in Phoenix would mean death to his already waning baseball career. I was said that it was my fault, _but let's face it_. It was time Phil settled down and got a real job. He wasn't getting any younger or any less sucky at baseball. It would be best for them as a couple in the long run, and for the first time I felt like they would really make it. My mom and Phil would grow old together and die a happy couple. I could only wish for a future so peaceful for Charlie.

Renee and Phil walked to their rental car with Charlie in tow behind them. Phil carried their suitcase and Renee drug my rolling carry-on bag behind her. In her hands she held the photo album she had taken off my desk. I dreaded the thought of her going back over each photo again and again on the plane ride home, but I knew it was part of the healing process. I suddenly wished I had some photos of my own to keep for eternity and pull out when I wanted to reminisce. Renee hugged Charlie and told him he could call anytime, day or night, if he wanted to talk. People kept offering him that and I wondered if he would ever take anyone up on it. Charlie stood in the driveway until the rental's taillights disappeared around the corner. He went back into the house looking impossibly sadder.

Charlie had never really let go of my mom, and now I feared he would never really let go of me. That was just the way we were, my dad and I. Maybe I would never really let go of him either. I kept having this nagging feeling that I wouldn't be able to leave here tonight with any peace about Charlie like the calmness I felt about Renee.

The Quilute families were the last to leave. The wives carried out their empty casserole dishes, after having cleaned the kitchen until it was spotless. The men each hugged Charlie and slapped him on the back. Many offered to "be there for him," or "get together soon," and Charlie just nodded and shut the door behind them. I knew I had to say goodbye; it was time for me to leave too, to go back to where I belonged.

Charlie walked through the house, flipping off lights, and headed upstairs. I heard him open his bedroom window and I looked up to see him lean on the sill with a sigh. He stood there for a minute, hunched over, partially out the window, staring up at the midnight sky. He took a deep breath and pulled himself inside. Charlie got in bed and cried himself to sleep.

As his sobs died down to a quiet snore, I was about to turn around and head for the Cullens. For home. That was when I changed my mind. I would give Charlie a proper goodbye.

* * *

**A/N: Hey, ya'll, thanks for your awesome reviews, they really keep me going! ****So. Indie Twific Awards. Have you heard about these yet? Please drop by there, theindietwificawards(dot)com, and vote for Fate. It's nominated for: Best Alternate Universe Work in Progress, Best Characterizations (non Edward/Bella) WIP, and ****Best Use of Comedy WIP. Voting ends on Monday, July 13****th****. Thanks for nominating me, friends, and for voting! **


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: **_**Twilight**_** belongs to Stephanie Meyer.**

Chapter 18: American Pie

**EPOV**

Emmett and I ran for the woods in silence. And by silence I mean we weren't saying anything. I could hear his thoughts and they made me suspicious. _It is my lady. O, it is my love! O that she knew she were! _As he finished Romeo's monologue and was about to start again, I finally spoke.

"What are you hiding from me, Emmett?"

"Dude, you know me, I'm having a hard time not picturing Bella…you know, after all that screaming last night." Emmett loved Rosalie and would never stray. But seriously, he was a horndog.

I couldn't' find it in my heart to be jealous. I was just…proud. Not proud of my sexual prowess; proud of my beautiful girl. "She's pretty amazing, isn't she?" I asked, hoping to bask in more flattery for Bella.

"She's gorgeous, Edward. I thought she was pretty that day at school, but look at her now! I'm happy for you, bro." _We all are_, he thought.

"Thanks, man. And thanks for the advice last night…" I trailed off, feeling a little shy all of the sudden.

"Oh yeah, man, I heard you ignite the powder kegs!" he laughed and so did I.

"Yes, that was a great tip. And playing hard to get, that definitely worked," I told him.

"Man, anytime you need to know anything, just come to me or Jasper."

"Uhhh, there is something I've been meaning to Google," I was really curious about it but I had been a little distracted today with all the tickling and drama and the endless cock-blocking. I wondered vaguely if vampires could get blue balls. Surely not, I would have them by now, right?

"Lay it on me," he said, as we made our way deeper into the forest.

"Well, it's kinda out there…but what words do women use as euphemisms for orgasm? You know, like slang?"

Emmett thought about it for a second before he spoke. In his mind I saw flashes of conversations between Rose and Alice mixed in with some rather sordid scenes featuring Rose and himself. I mentally upchucked as he finally answered, "Well, there's like the common one, 'the big O.' I've heard of 'lemon,' uhhh, let's see…'cupcake.' Really, any unsuspecting item can be turned into something dirty." _Lemon? Cupcake?_ Really? Not the word I was looking for though.

"So, you've never heard Rose call it a 'light?'" I asked, making silly air quotes with my fingers.

His eyes got wide. "Is that what Bella called it?"

"Uh, yeah," I still felt a little embarrassed talking about this, but I hoped I'd be talking about it for eternity so I had better get used to it. "Right before the first time she…you know…"

"Got off?" He said it like it was just another phrase. I would have to practice that.

"Yes, right before she…" I hesitated, "got off, she laid her head back, closed her eyes and mumbled something about 'her light.'" I made air quotes again and thought about how that was all Bella's fault. I never did that until I met her and she did it in Biology.

"Dude. Dude?" Emmett's voice brought me back from my internal musings. Bella could distract me like no one I'd ever met. She didn't even have to be present to capture my thoughts.

"Yeah, sorry, what did you say?"

"The light thing. I've never heard that but I was saying it's probably a compliment," he said punching me in the arm. A little too hard actually, Emmett was nearly as strong as Bella.

"Oh, yea, how so?" I really wanted to believe it. It was kind of like that report card I was hoping for.

"Well, you know how when humans like, die and they come back to life?"

"Uh-huh?"

"Well, they always say shit like, 'I saw a bright white light and my dead grandma beckoned me into it," he said it just like that; like it was supposed to make perfect fucking sense.

"And?" I questioned him, raising an eyebrow, so as to say, "you're a idiot."

He stared at me like I was the idiot. "Like she saw the light, dude! Like it was so good she died and went to heaven?"

"That's not a bad idea," I smacked him on the back of the head and took off running ahead of him, "you big oaf!" He picked up his pace but couldn't catch me.

We both caught the scent of a bear off to the left. _I'll take this one, okay?_ Emmett thought.

"Okay," I whispered as he split off from the straight line we were running, "but don't kill it if it's the one with the cubs, huh?"

_You're really goin' soft, man_, Emmett chuckled to himself.

I wasn't going soft. I was soft. I thought back to just a few days ago. I used to be so hard and cynical. An eternal pessimist. Literally, eternal. It wasn't like I didn't still have my doubts, my nagging worries about my future with Bella. But it was like there was hope in my life for the first time. That hope sprang into everything I did and said and thought. I smiled more. I opened up more. I thought about things from outside my own perspective. For the first time, I believed I could be better; I could be happy…for Bella.

I heard a bear roar in the distance and then the chilling sound of its neck snapping. I realized just how thirsty I was. I had only had a couple of small deer on Monday afternoon and the thirst was really lighting up my throat as I thought more about it. I shot off on an elk trail to find my own dinner. I took my time, and when I finally finished Emmett was standing behind me tapping his foot to demonstrate his impatience. I wasn't in a hurry to get back to the house. As much as I wanted to be with Bella all the time, I knew I wasn't what she needed at the moment. I only hoped I would be what she needed in the end.

I wanted to stall, for Bella's sake, so I decided to give Emmett some details to keep him entertained. I felt kind of bad about kissing and telling, but I knew if I was going to tell anyone, it would be Emmett. He was the best at keeping secrets…from any one but me. I couldn't tell Jasper anything because Alice would always force it out of him.

The truth was that Emmett was the best secret keeper because Rosalie never pried. Rose didn't really give a shit about anyone but herself, so she never needed to know anything unless it involved her. Okay, maybe that was harsh. Rosalie had been surprisingly helpful these past few days. She had treated Bella well and tried to keep her thoughts to herself. _I have gone soft._

"Come on, just spill it, dude," Emmett urged me as he took a seat on a stump in front of me.

I sat down on the ground Indian style and ran my fingers through the grass around me. I told him my embarrassing story about locating her G-spot and he laughed for ten minutes straight.

"Are you done yet?" I asked him sarcastically.

"No, one more second," he laughed a little more and said, "Okay, now you may continue."

I kept the intimate details about Bella to myself, even when he pried.

"Was it juicy, man?" he asked excitedly.

"Don't ask me shit like that, Emmett," I threatened, "if you ever want me to confide in you again."

He mumbled something that sounded like "it was worth a try," and I continued.

"So, yeah, five times without ever…sealing the deal." I was a little proud.

"Five times? A good start, I guess…" he mused and I felt the innocuous verbal blow physically wound my ego. I only hoped that eventually I'd have a chance to finish what Bella and I had started that morning…and to beat Emmett's record.

"A good start? Give me a number, man. Your record…_without_ penetration," I challenged, hoping the number wouldn't be too high. Maybe I would be able to hang on to the last shreds of my pride.

"Dude, I don't know, you start to lose count after fifty or so." My mouth was agape and Emmett noticed my surprise. "It'll get easier, with time and all," he said with a shrug. I said nothing in response and he moved on without further expanse on my lack of O production, "And you didn't get any? None at all?"

"Nope," I said, exaggeratedly popping the "p" sound on the end of the word.

"Aw, man, that sucks. I bet you had to take care of that!" I stared at him, hoping he didn't mean what I thought he meant. "You know, dude," he explained, "take care of it _yourself_."

I laughed. "Masturbate? Are you kidding?"

"No, man, are _you_ kidding? Are you telling me that in over one hundred years you've never gotten off?"

"No," I said defensively, "just not in the past ninety-one years…not since I was a human."

"Really?" I nodded a yes and he continued, "Well, we all just kinda figured since you didn't have a woman that you…"

"Come on, Emmett, do you ever 'take care of yourself?'"

"First of all, man, stop with the fucking air quotes. You look like a girl when you do that. Second, I've never had to. I have a wife, remember? A wife who's always in the mood." I just stared of into the darkness and let him continue on his little exposition. "You, on the other hand, no pun intended, have been going without for ninety years?"

"Ninety-one" I correct him.

"Exactly. I don't believe it," he said matter-of-factly.

I tried to reason with him. In fact, I had thought about masturbating a few times in my life as a vampire. I had thought about it a lot more recently. But I was afraid. Of course, I didn't say it to him that way.

"Think about if Rosalie wouldn't put out…I know, hard to fathom, but just imagine if she didn't. You'd wack off once and then what?" He didn't answer. "Then you'd to it again and again and again, wouldn't you?" He nodded. "That's right, Em. I've always been…cautious because I knew that if I did it once, I'd want to do it all the time. And if I start now, with Bella around—thinking maybe one day she'll fulfill that need for me, and then she decides she doesn't want to—well, then I'm going to be spending the rest of eternity locked up in my bedroom with a vat of lotion and a sock." Yeah, I had seen _American Pie_. I knew how that shit worked.

"Yeah, I see what you mean," he said, still nodding. "But you've thought about it though?" He grinned.

"Shut up. Let's go home." I stood up and added, "And not a word of this to anyone."

We ran home in verbal silence. The whole way I had to listen to Emmett think about jacking off into a sock. I was relieved when we ran though the door and Emmett grabbed Rosalie up and carried her upstairs. At least that was the kind of shit I was used to hearing him think about.

My momentary relief washed away when I noticed Bella wasn't in the living room. Before I could turn my head to look for her, I heard Alice's thoughts. _She went to the service and to Charlie's afterward._

I stared at Alice in disbelief. "How could you," I turned to Carlisle who was wearing an apologetic expression, "how could you let her?"

"No one will see her, Edward," Esme said as she crossed the room and took my hands in hers. "She needed this. It will be good for her, I think."

"I…I…" I didn't know what to say, so I just shut my mouth. I walked over to the piano and started to play, hoping to drown out what was going on upstairs and wondering how Bella was. Everyone just stared at me. I could feel their eyes burning holes in me. I kept my own eyes focused on the keys as I played Bella's Lullaby. What there was of it so far anyway. I hoped it would be like a beacon calling her home. I hoped she would come home.

How could they let her do this? How could they send her off like that? With humans? What if something happened? As I fumed silently my feelings came out in the notes. Bella's Lullaby got impossibly darker, impossibly more uncertain.

_I've seen it, Edward. Carlisle and Esme were even there for awhile. She'll be fine. She's about to leave soon and she's coming back. She'll come back for you_.

Alice's words and assuring visions did little to comfort me. Bella would come home. She would ask to be alone and she'd go upstairs to her room. That's where the visions ended. I couldn't get past the sad look on her face long enough to be happy that she would be return.

Suddenly my hands slammed down on the keys, creating a loud, terrible banging noise, as a new vision entered my head through Alice's mind. My thoughts and Alice's mingled and I couldn't tell what was what. It was all a garbled, horrible mess. _Bella changed her mind_. Bella changed her mind! _She's going…in the house_. She's going in the house! _Charlie will wake up._ Charlie will wake up! Charlie will see her!

"It's too late, Edward, it's already happening," Alice shouted after me. But I was already out the door.


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: **_**Twilight**_** belongs to Stephanie Meyer.**

Chapter 19: Proper Goodbye

**BPOV**

I scaled the house silently and entered through Charlie's open window. Charlie snored quietly, huddled into a fetal position, the exposed right side of his face still damp from tears. It was painful to see him like that. Charlie always put up such a strong front and that's how I wanted to remember my father. I knew, however, that I would never be able to forget this image of him.

I thought back over hazy memories from my human life. Summers fishing at La Push, Charlie laughing at one of Billy's crude cop jokes. An unofficial take your daughter to work day, Charlie looking on proudly as I shot a gun for the first and only time at the training range. The gloomy, rainy night my mother and I left Forks, Charlie waving limply and wearing a brave face as he faded into the darkness behind us.

My memories weren't as clear as they used to be, weakened by more than merely time. I had to say goodbye, but I didn't have to forget. I slowly left the room and crossed the hall, gingerly opening the door to my bedroom. I went to the closet and found my messenger bag, untouched since Monday. Inside were some notebooks, school supplies and of course, my prize possession, my iPod. I smiled a little as I held the small white device. I felt like if I had just a few things to hang on to, my old life would be gone but not forgotten. I slid it back into the bag, removing the nonessentials, and left the closet.

Under my bed. That was where I would find myself. I reached under the bed and pulled out a shallow packing box. In it were seven bound journals. All different sizes and colors, indicating the stage of life I was in when they were purchased. Just holding them brought memories into focus.

The oldest was a Lisa Frank diary. The cover pictured a polar bear surrounded by four penguins against a bright purple sky. The next one had a lock on it. That was a necessity, I recalled. I had to have one with a lock so I could keep all my secrets private. I chuckled inside, remembering what a silly little girl I was. One had a grey cat on the front. Brightly colored flowers on another.

Others featured landscapes, the most recent, unfinished journal was a desert scene with vast tan sand, a single cactus and a bright Arizona sun shining in the background. I remembered thinking I would need a new one when I got to Forks. I had planned to make a trip to Port Angles to pick out the perfect journal. Something green, I thought, something to signify a new start in a new home.

I thumbed through that most current collection of memories and thoughts, glancing at the last entry. It was Sunday night, my second day in Forks. I was worried about the first day of school, being accepted…fitting in. It seemed like it must have been a lifetime ago; I no longer had the luxury of such petty thoughts. I found just three empty pages remaining, just enough to sum up the last day of my human life. It was time to start a new chapter.

In the box were some of my favorite pictures, the corners marred with tiny holes from where they had once hung on a corkboard in my bedroom in Phoenix. I hadn't gotten around to hanging them here yet, and I was glad for that. I could take them, and their absence would go completely unnoticed.

There were pictures of me as a child and some more recent ones. Some with Charlie, some with Renee, and a few with my Gran. A couple were from Renee and Phil's wedding. One that stood out was a picture of Charlie and I near the jetty at La Push. Charlie was smiling holding up a big catch on a line with his arm around me as I squirmed to get away from the smelly fish. I put the collection of pictures into my bag, slinging it across my chest and put the empty box back under the bed, scanning the room one last time.

I shut the door to my room noiselessly and resumed my place at the foot of Charlie's bed. I couldn't describe my feelings at that moment. I wanted to place them in my mind, to quantify them. I wanted to leave that house for the last time with a sense of closure.

I ran through each individual pain. There was sadness, but that encompassed so much…businesses left unfinished, words unsaid, and life unlived. There was empathy for Charlie, for his loss and for the uncertainty of his future. But in the back of my mind, there was also hope. A hope so faint and so vague that it truly was painful. There was Edward, the embodiment of simultaneous hope and pain.

As I dwelled on Edward's image in my mind, as strong gust of cool wind flooded the room through the open window. Charlie stirred and I panicked. I headed slowly toward the window, attempting to blend in with the shadows. Just as I was about to jump, Charlie's body shot straight up in bed. My breath caught in my chest as his face fell on my darkened frame, moonlight shining around me, creating a silhouette. I was stunned, unable to move from my stone-like stance.

"Bella?" he half-asked, half-cried. "Bella…you…you can't be here. You're…dead!" I had taken this too far and I knew it. I had to go.

Charlie reached up to rub both of his eyes with the palms of his hands. "I love you, daddy, goodbye," I whispered and I was out the window before he had a chance to turn on the bedside lamp. I imagined when he turned on the light and found he was alone in the room, he would assume it was just a bad dream. But I hoped he had heard me anyway.

I ran east through the woods quietly, at a fast speed. After a few minutes I heard footsteps behind me. I closed my eyes. It was Edward. "Hey, Edward," I called out into the darkness in front of me, "I don't need a lecture if that's what you're here for." He didn't respond. I could hear him gaining on me but I didn't bother to quicken my pace. "I know what I did was wrong, it was dangerous, and I can promise I won't do it again." I thought of Carlisle, and I felt ashamed, knowing he would be disappointed with my behavior.

Edward came up to my right side and ran in stride with me. After a few minutes, I grew frustrated by his silence. "Do you have anything to say to me, Edward?"

"You're pretty fast, Bella. We've never run together like this." I laughed. He wasn't here to judge me. I got the feeling he just wanted to be close to me and I took comfort in his presence.

"It's funny, you know, I don't even feel like I'm going as fast as I could."

"Go for it, Bella. Show me how fast you really are," he assured me with a smile.

I increased my stride and soon felt him falling behind me. It felt good to finally exert all the speed and strength that often seemed to be bottled up inside of me. I fully stretched my legs and let the velocity course through my body and onto the ground beneath me. I glanced back to judge the distance between Edward and I. He was a good ten feet back now and had an intent look on his face, like he was running at his full speed. _I am faster than Edward._ Me, Bella, faster than the fastest vampire.

"Okay, I get it, you're faster than me," he called out and I slowed down. "For now anyway, I imagine that we'll be about the same speed when the blood gets out of your system." I was just about to comment on his assessment; it was another reminder that Edward and I were perfectly matched in every way. Another reminder that no matter how fast I ran, I couldn't out run fate. As I opened my mouth to speak, I realized where I was.

_It's just around this bend_, I recalled Edward had said that day we hiked to the meadow. Without even thinking about it, I was headed to the place where all this madness started. Where one life ended and another began.

"We're going to the meadow," I told him as he caught up to me, as if he wouldn't know that.

"I see that." He spoke slowly, observantly; like a psychiatrist reviewing a patient just on the edge of mental. "Why?"

"I don't know really…I just started running and here we are," I responded, truly not knowing why I brought us to this place so laden with symbolism.

**A/N: Thanks for reading, girlies! Jules, Claire, Ari, Steph, Ri, Gabs and the whole lot of you—muah!**


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: **_**Twilight**_** belongs to Stephanie Meyer. **

**Hey, guys! Hi! Hey! I'm so excited about posting again! So after some serious discussions about selling everything we own and moving to the beach, things have settled back down. I've been recharging…read a bunch of actual **_**bound**_** books. Crazy, huh? Tons of chicklit, nothing of redeeming intellectual value, oh and The Sookie Stackhouse novels. Read them. Eric is the new Edward. Did I just say that? My bad. Just kidding, Edward, you'll always be my favorite.**

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**I want to thank you guys so much for your patience and understanding, for all your encouraging and insightful reviews, and for picking back up where we left off. **

**After secretly attending her own memorial service and nearly exposing herself to Charlie, Bella finds herself running through the woods with Edward, headed to the meadow where she was bitten…**

Chapter 20: Bella's Request

**BPOV**

We entered the meadow and the sight was just as breathtaking at night. Moonlight illuminated the dainty purple flowers, which had tripled in number in less than a week. Dew covered the lush green grass and I stopped to remove my red sandals so I could feel it beneath my feet. Edward smiled, "My barefoot Bella."

I smiled in return, though halfheartedly. It felt wrong to experience anything good or happy when I was surrounded by such misery.

"What's in the bag?" Edward asked.

"Oh, just some things from my room," I said casually. They weren't just things; they were the remnants of my lost life. "No one will notice they're gone," I added in defense.

"I'm sure, Bella." He shook his head reassuringly, "We all have some mementos from our human lives, except Alice anyway."

"Really? What did you hang on to?" I asked taking a seat in the damp grass.

Edward sat down beside me as he spoke. I was gratefully he didn't sit across from me. I didn't want to have to look him in the eye. "Some jewelry of my mother's, a few of my father's old books…my army uniform."

"Army uniform?" I glanced at him and cocked an eyebrow.

"Yeah, I had just enlisted before the flu hit Chicago," he chuckled, "I had lied about my age to get into the Army…so eager to go off and fight in the Great War."

"What was it like, the world back then?" I asked, amazed at how much life and death had passed him by during his years on this earth.

"It was an exciting time. I was young and stupid enough to think war was exciting. My mother had begged me not to join. She was politically opposed to World War One, and terrified of losing me. She was more afraid of my death than her own. We had a huge fight about it the night before she was admitted to the hospital. I've regretted the things I said everyday since then."

I couldn't help but share his feelings of regret. "I'm sorry, Edward."

"It's nothing, really, I've made my peace with it. I know she forgave me and I try my hardest to dwell on the good things I remember about her and our time together. She wanted me to live, more than anything else in this world, even her own life…and that's what I've been doing, living…" he trailed off and there was a slight pause before he changed the subject. "What did you keep?" he asked.

I removed the bag from across my shoulder and opened it. "My iPod, of course, some pictures and my journals."

"Journals? Those are a wonderful thing to have."

I removed one of the journals and thumbed through the pages idly as I mused aloud. "I started keeping them when I was eight. Not very entertaining reading." My eyes fell on a passage about an experience during a summer I had spent in Forks and I plunged into sadness.

"I bet I would find it interesting," he said as I turned toward him. His gaze met mine and he studied the pain in my face. "Read it to me, that part you were looking at there," he nodded to the open journal in my hands.

I felt like I would flush if I could, but no blood rushed to my face. "Really? You want to hear the ramblings of a twelve year old?"

"Absolutely. Nothing could be more interesting to me." There was sincerity in his voice and eyes. If he wanted to share my burden, I wouldn't deny him. I would gladly accept his solace.

I started at the top of the page.

_June 20, 2003_

_Dear Diary, _

_Today Charlie took me to La Push to go fishing. Just like last time, I got bored and when walking along the beach. Some kids I knew were playing in the surf. It was actually kind of a nice day, for Forks, that is_.

I paused, "Is this boring you?"

"No," he responded sternly, "please read more."

"Okay, if you say so," I said, rolling my eyes.

_Jacob Black was there and even though he's a couple years younger than me, he's really intimidating. He's got dark skin and beautiful hair. All of the kids on the reservation do and I felt really out of place. They asked me to play Frisbee with them. One of the girls, Leah, got pissed. I don't think she knew I could hear her while she whined to Jacob, "Do we really have to let the ugly ducking play? She sucks." Jacob said something like "My dad says we have to be nice to her or I'll get in trouble." I decided I didn't want to play and started to walk away. A Frisbee hit me in the back of the head and all the kids laughed while I ran away crying. They were shouting "go away, ugly duckling" and laughing at me. It doesn't take long for kids to figure out that nickname, does it? Bella Swan. Ugly Duckling._

I cringed at the painful memory of that long-forgotten nickname. The words brought the memories back to life and I could see them more clearly. I heard Edward breathing quietly, staring off into the night ahead of us, urging me to continue with his silence.

_I spent the rest of the day with my dad and Billy, bored to death and wishing I was back home in Phoenix with my mom. When we finally got home I headed straight up to my bedroom. I cried a little more, I couldn't help it, diary. Charlie called up that the pizza was here but I shouted that I wasn't hungry. After a few minutes I heard him coming upstairs and I tried to dry my face. Charlie sat on the bed and handed me a piece of pepperoni pizza. I started eating it. I really was hungry after all. _

"_What's wrong, Bells?" he asked me. I didn't want to talk about it but he wouldn't let it go. I told him what happened at La Push and what the kids were calling me. _

"_They think I'm a plain, ugly, old duck, dad. Just like back in Phoenix, 'cause I'm not tan and I've got these stupid brown eyes and I'm not good at sports…"_

_Charlie looked uncomfortable. Daddy/daughter talks aren't his specialty. "Bells," he said, "You've gotta know, you _are_ a beautiful swan, and someday everyone else will see it like I do." I asked him if he really thought I was beautiful. "I want to tell you a story. This story happened on September thirteenth almost thirteen years ago." That was the day I was born, dairy, the story was about me! _

"_I waited nine months for something very special to happen. But I didn't know how special it was, Bells, until the doctor put a tiny, little baby into my arms. I looked into the most beautiful set of brown eyes I had ever seen." He asked me if I knew whose eyes they were. I guessed that they were mine, of course. _

"_That's right, Bells, I looked into your beautiful brown eyes and I saw something I'd never seen before. I saw love. Bella, you were the first person who ever _truly_ loved me. Not my parents, not your mother. You loved me unconditionally. And in that moment I knew, I had something special. Something beautiful." _

_I started crying, diary, and I don't know why! I felt so silly but what he said made me happy and sad at the same time. Charlie said that next time someone calls me plain or ugly that I should try to remember that story. To remember that he thinks I'm special and beautiful. _

_Charlie said he rented _Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets_ for us to watch. I had already seen it in the theater last year, but I thought it would be nice to watch something besides sports with him so I didn't say anything. Daniel Radcliff is so cute! When I grow up I want to marry an actor, since wizards don't really exist._

"And it just goes on like that…" I trailed off. Edward had heard enough for now.

After a few minutes of contemplative silence, Edward responded. "That's some pretty deep stuff for a twelve year old."

"Yeah, but I guess I understood a little, after that, things got a little better for me…a little easier to take. It probably didn't hurt that I grew boobs over that summer too." We both laughed.

"I like how address your diary formally…" I cut him off with a gasp and a smack on his shoulder. "Do you still do that?" he continued.

"No, I don't, thank you," I said, sticking my tongue out, feeling twelve years old all over again. Edward laughed and playfully nudged my shoulder with his. Like we were sitting on the bench together at recess. He matched me in every way. He always rose or lowered to meet me, wherever I was in any given moment.

Suddenly, I had a nagging curiosity. Five days ago if someone had asked me if vampires existed, I would have said "no way." But now…

_I'm a freaking vampire. Anything is possible_.

"Edward," I asked, "you can laugh if you want but…do wizards exist?"

He did laugh and I joined him.

"Why? Are you going to leave me and run off to the nine and three-quarters platform in search of Harry Potter?"

I smiled. "No," nudging him back, bumping the side of my body against his, "I've grown out of my wizard phase. I'm much more interested in other mythical creatures these days."

"Like what Cyclops? Mermen?" he feigned an exaggerated gasp, "Not leprechauns!" Edward tortured me with my own laughter. "Please say it's not leprechauns! Those nasty little buggers."

"Come on! I'm half serious here!" He shook his head, chuckling and I continued, "Santa Claus? The Easter Bunny?"

"No, Bella, as far as I know, vampires are about the strangest thing out there."

"Bigfoot?" I questioned.

"Now, that one, yeah, he's real." My eyes grew wide. "His name is Emmett."

"Oh, shut up!" I reached up to slap him but he grabbed my hand before it could make contact with his chest. We sat frozen in the moment, his hand gripped lightly around my wrist in front of his body. I could have easily broken his grasp but I chose not to. I stared into his warm honey eyes until he finally looked away and placed my hand in my lap, letting go.

"Why didn't you kiss me, Edward?" He loved me. I knew it. There was no sense in pretending otherwise.

He hung his head and spoke to the ground. "I just know you're going through a lot. I don't want to rush you…or make you do something you'll regret."

Sadness replaced the genuine laugher I'd experienced just minutes before. "I've got enough to regret, Edward," I said, reaching my hand to his face. My wrist was still warm from where he had held me. I placed my fingers under his chin and turned his face to mine. "Maybe I need to be rushed now." I tried to hide the pain in my eyes, but it was no use. He saw right through me.

**EPOV**

I stood up, allowing her hand to fall from beneath my chin. I didn't dare look down at her. It took everything I had to resist her. She didn't want me; she just wanted something to fill the void.

Bella stood up and walked off in front of me, dragging her bare toes through the wet grass. She sighed a long, tortured sigh. Finally, she stopped and spoke with her back to me.

"I wasted a lot of my life, Edward. Feeling insecure. Denying myself. I didn't appreciate the things…the people that were right in front of me. I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want to do that with _you_."

She turned to me and extended her hand. Bliss washed over me as she reached for me, as she chose me. And that's when it hit me. The butterfly jeans. The red eyes. The pained smile on her face. This was Alice's second vision that day in the cafeteria. The only one of those three possible futures that would ever come to pass. I was living a moment that I'd seen nearly a week ago and it was just as perplexing now as it was then. I reached out to take her hand, still wondering what was going on between those two perfect ears.

"Make love to me, Edward." Shock flooded my body. That wasn't how such a request should make me feel. Bella's words should have excited me—I should be delighted—alive with wonder and hope fulfilled. Instead, I stood there, holding her little hand, feeling that she was as fragile as ever and I stammered.

"Bella, I…I…don't think it's the right…time." I choked out the word. The word that was the bane of my existence. The constant thorn in my side. My Achilles' heel. _Time_. "This isn't…it's not how…"

She stopped my jumbled reasoning, blatant honesty written all over her face in the form of a sad, fake smile. "I just want to feel something else, Edward. Help me, please? Or I'll go start a forest fire," she laughed a maniacal, empty laugh and I believed her. This wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to make love to Bella, but not like this; not out of depression or suicidal threats.

"I promised I'd give you anything you asked for…"

She cut me off and stated blankly, "Well, this is what I'm asking for, Edward." She still wore that same, fake expression; like everything was okay, that this was a perfectly ordinary request. _How romantic, Bella, of course I'll make love to you! _I fought the urge to roll my eyes.

"I know, and…I'll give it to you, if it's what you want, but only if you understand how much this means to me." I spoke assertively, "I love you, Bella." Her empty smile fell as she listened intently, tightening her grip around my hand. "I love you. And even if this means nothing to you, it means _everything_ to me."

_Tell me you love me._ I pleaded with my eyes. _Tell me you love me too._

"It means a lot to me too, Edward." She crossed the small distance between us and planted a soft kiss on my lips. She didn't love me. I knew it. But I would give her what she wanted, as I had promised. It was all I could do for her. It was the closest I'd ever get to being loved by her.

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**A/N: Apologies for moments of gratuitous cheesiness in this chapter. I honestly don't know where that comes from. Malmo722, ClaireBloom, inside-the-disarray, EdwardsBloodType, HunterHunting, CapnSureYouAre, Ri40--can't wait to get caught up on your stories, girls, slowly but surely. Thanks for always inspiring me with your original ideas, fantastic writing, and don't even get me started on the smut. Thanks for welcoming me back, ficsters! Muah!**


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N: **_**Twilight**_** belongs to Stephanie Meyer. **

Chapter 21: Instincts Ignited

**BPOV**

_I love you too, Edward_. I thought it. I occurred to me that I even felt it. I didn't say it out loud. I couldn't say it when I didn't understand it. I wouldn't give him false hope that there was a future for us.

"It means a lot to me too, Edward," I said as I approached him. I almost wanted to laugh at myself. I was selfish and I knew it. I would take what he would give me, and I would not offer what he needed in return. I watched his heart break as I kissed him.

Like I told him, I needed to feel something else. I wanted the sweet release of his all consuming presence. I wanted the numbness my mind would feel when my carnal instincts took over. I wanted the pleasure to block out the pain. Edward was the only one who could give it to me. Edward was the only one I wanted it from.

As I kissed him I trailed my hand down along his chest, feeling every muscle beneath his shirt. When my hand finally rested below the button of his jeans, I wasn't surprised that he wasn't hard; these weren't exactly the most exciting circumstances. I removed my mouth from his and took a step back. I pulled my shirt off over my head in one slow, fluid motion. I was trying hard to be seductive. I knew if I just faked it long enough then eventually my body would take over.

At the sight of my lacy red bra, he let out a little huff and allowed a visible wave of emotion to course through his body. He relaxed slightly and I fought the urge to ask him what he was thinking. Doing so would be futile; I knew what the answer would be. It was working. He loved me. Despite the situation, his body couldn't help but respond to me.

I felt disgusted at myself for the way I was taking advantage of him. I looked into his eyes and saw the mix of pain and anticipation, and the whole weight of my selfishness fell upon me.

I needed him to know that he was the only one I wanted. And in that way, this wasn't _just_ about me. This was about the two of us, stealing a moment from the dark world we lived in to go off into the light.

"I want to tell you something," I said with a hint of allurement in my voice.

"Yes, Bella," he responded, his voice matching the slightly lower register of my own.

"When I close my eyes, Edward," I did just that; I closed them and took in the light that emanated from his body. "I see you. But not your body, I see your light…it's like I can see your soul," I realized aloud.

He laughed and I abruptly opened my eyes. I was pissed for a fleeting moment before he explained. There I was confessing my most mystifying secret to him, trying to tell him something important, and he was laughing at me. It wasn't a normal laugh either, not the kind of light chuckle that resounded in my ears like a melody and made my eyes dance with delight. It was a dark laugh, hollow.

"Bella, you can't see my _soul_," he said the word with a sneer, "because I don't have one."

"What do you mean you don't have a soul?" I questioned, feeling raw and exposed, shirtless in the darkness. This was not the way I had imagined this going.

"I'm a monster, Bella. Monsters don't have souls. Immortals don't have souls!" He was practically yelling at me. He had never raised his voice to me, not even during our worst fights when I had goaded him, practically begged him to return my fury. "Look what I did to you! Could a monster like me have a _soul_?"

"No, Edward, you're wrong," I spoke calmly; angry Edward was someone I had never been confronted by; someone I didn't know how to deal with. The instinct to comfort him consumed me. "If your theory is true, and you don't have a soul, that means I don't have a soul," I took a slow step toward him and placed my hand on his cheek. I could feel his jaw clenched tightly beneath my palm. "Could I possibly not have a soul, Edward?" He closed his eyes, unresponsive.

I reached for his left arm with my free hand and placed it on my chest so he could feel the rise and fall of my unnecessary breathing. "Where there is life, there is a soul." He shuttered with agony. He was punishing himself for a crime he didn't commit. Yes, he changed me. He took my life. But Edward did not take my soul; he gave me his.

"Look at me, Edward." Something about trying to calm him made me want to say his name over and over, like it was a soothing lullaby. "Edward, look at me," I urged again. He finally opened his eyes and stared deep into mine. "I refuse to believe it, because I've seen your soul, Edward." I closed my eyes and smiled. "I can see it right now."

I saw the light in front of my closed eyes shift slightly as he lifted his right arm and placed it gently above my hip, cupping the curve of my body, and I felt his jaw relax underneath my hand.

"What does it look like?" he eventually whispered after a long, peaceful silence.

"Like a light, but dim. Kind of blurry and warm," I said as I rubbed my thumb along his cheekbone. "It's shapeless, but always the same. Always present." He sighed and I hoped he finally understood. "It was the only thing I could see when I was changing. When my every sense was incapacitated, I could still feel the light and I knew you were there."

"Bella, I can't…I can't believe it. But I do somehow." I saw the light move closer and felt Edwards lips meet mine. His mouth moved softly against my own. He brushed his tongue brushed along my bottom lip as he broke the kiss and I opened my eyes to see him smiling. "I have a soul," he whispered, life returning to his eyes, "we have souls." He shook his head as he chuckled. There was my laugh. The laugh that sparked a joy deep inside me.

His left hand moved slowly from my chest to the back of my neck. He tightened his grip around my waist, bringing me closer to him until I could feel the heat of his body through his shirt. I pushed myself to him to close the small gap between us until our bodies were pressed against each other. I rested my face into the crook of his neck and breathed him in.

"We don't have to do this, Edward," I whispered into his neck. "If you're not sure…" I trailed off, forgetting everything that had brought us to this point. Everything that had passed up to that instant was a mere blur in my periphery. None of those external influences could penetrate the bond holding Edward and I together in that moment.

He ran his fingers through my hair at the base of my neck as he spoke. I could feel the warmth of his breath growing hotter with each word as the air around us intensified. "I've never been so sure of anything, Bella. It's time." There was something distinct about how he said the word "time," it wasn't defeat anymore; it was victory.

**EPOV**

I had sought Bella out to protect her, to comfort her and suddenly the tables had turned. She was comforting _me_. She was protecting _me_ from myself. In that moment, I thought again about fate and time but with a new perspective. The time had come, fate had brought us here. If being immortal was what it took to get us to this place, then could it really be such a bad thing?

I had spent so much time loathing what I was, that I had never stopped to appreciate its necessity. If I had died in that hospital bed in 1918…if I had survived the flu and gone off to die in the war…if I had lived to be an old man and died peacefully in my sleep at eighty-eight, I would have never met Bella. This was fate; no matter the means, we had arrived.

Bella planted soft kisses on my neck, moving gradually toward my Adam's apple as I watched my entire worldview transform before my eyes. "What are you thinking about?" she whispered in between kisses.

"Fate, actually. And time," I responded while rubbing circles into the bare skin of her back.

She sighed softly, "What about them?"

"About how maybe they're not so bad after all," I said with a chuckle.

She lifted her head from my neck to smile at me with her eyes. "Maybe you're on to something there…" she trailed off, the sultry look in her eyes escalating. "I'd love to discuss that issue further with you at a later date, Mister Cullen, but for now…let's attend to the matter at _hand_." In less than a second her hand was at my zipper. A mischievous smile crossed her lips, and I couldn't help but attack them with my own.

I kissed her furiously. The time for quiet introspection had passed. Bella had given me something invaluable, though it wasn't what I was expecting. It wasn't love necessarily, not in so many words, but she gave me back my soul, and how could that not be love?

She unzipped my jeans and pushed them to the ground. My body responded willingly to the force she exerted. The energy she gave off excited me and I could feel nothing but the tingling sensation of anticipation. She dropped slowly to her knees, her eyes never leaving mine, her hands running down my chest and finally resting on the sides of my thighs.

As she removed my underwear, I felt the slightly cold sensitivity of the night air replaced by Bella's warm breath. I ran my fingers through her long, brown hair from the top of her head down to her neck. I rested my hand there, right below her chin and drew my thumb along her the curve of her face. Her expression asked me a silent question and I nodded a silent "yes" in return.

Her eyes left mine as she focused her attention elsewhere. I felt her warm hand grasp around my hard length. The sensation was quickly coupled with the encompassing wetness of her mouth exploring me. A deep moan was elicited from my lips, without my permission or even my awareness. It sounded like the famous moan Bella gave me the first time I placed my mouth on her.

Suddenly I was paralyzed with dread, thinking of how our last sexual encounter had ended. Bella was about to take me down a road that I couldn't come back from. There were no U-turns allowed on Vampire Sex Boulevard.

Bella sensed the abrupt change in my mood and removed her mouth to look up at me, panicked. "What's wrong Edward, did I hurt you? I don't…I don't really know…"

_Fuck it_. So what if I wound up beating off into a sock for the rest of eternity? Bella wanted to give this to me and I wanted to take it. Now I had made her feel insecure. I remembered feeling that way the first time I dove into uncharted territory, but she had never discouraged me in that moment. I had to let her know she was doing everything right. _Think, Edward, think!_

I looked down at her beautiful, pale body, crisp against the dark green grass and her bright red bra. I let all the lust I felt for her flood my voice as I spoke. "Don't stop, Bella, please don't ever stop."

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**A/N: So yeah, that's my favorite chapter so far. Tell me, tell me, tell me—did you like it?! Thanks for all your wonderful reviews of the last chapter. It's so good to be back! Muah!**


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N: **_**Twilight**_** belongs to Stephanie Meyer.**

**I had some readers ask about this, and I think it calls for clarification. Vampires are cold. They feel cold to humans as our body temperature is so much higher than theirs. So, in my wonky little AU at least, as Bella and Edward are now of the same body temperature, they feel warm to each other. In fact, I think since their body temperature is what…60 degrees, it doesn't take much to feel warmth. Though heat doesn't have quite the effect on vampires that it has on us—sweating and feeling uncomfortable and wanting to claw someone's eyes out on the way to the nearest air conditioner—they can still experience it. So that's how I feel about that.**

**EdwardsBloodType. Thank you. She read this chapter and screened it for major turn-off words, like penis. :) If you think I'm a cockblocker, wait until you check out her sexual tension filled new fic, High Anxiety. Bella is still clumsy but actually likes shopping and has a secret or two. Edward is a little bit misunderstood and a little bit mama's boy. And, God, Jasper is such a douche. Read it, you'll love it. It's in my faves. **

**Really quickly, one more thing…this story is rated M, in case you forgot. It's about to get pretty mature up in here…**

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Chapter 22: First Sunrise

**BPOV**

Again I was struck with gratitude that Edward couldn't read my mind. What an unfair advantage that would be since I certainly couldn't read his! I was summoning the knowledge I'd gleaned from every sex conversation I'd ever had, and I was extremely grateful for Alice's and Rosalie's very detailed sex education session the other night. Alice had said putting your mouth on it was the quickest way to "call it to attention." (I blame Jasper for Alice's use of Army lingo to describe sexual situations.) _Rosalie said to treat it like a popsicle_, I reminded myself. _Riiiight_. No matter how bad you wanted someone, no matter how strong the lust pulsed through your body and overtook your mind, I realized, there were still technical aspects that had to be worked out.

I hoped Edward would be forgiving, give me a chance to figure out what I was doing. Suddenly his body tensed and I was sure I had hurt him. I was still getting used to my newborn strength. That combined with the rush caused by the heat between us was a recipe for a painful mistake. I abruptly removed my mouth and looked into his eyes. I didn't see pain; I saw fear. I started rambling, insecure, begging him to tell me I didn't do anything wrong.

"Don't stop, Bella, please don't ever stop," Edward pleaded and I complied. Not very constructive, but encouraging nonetheless. _Time to get down to business_. I grasped the base of his shaft securely in my right hand, keeping my force in check. I heard him gasp as I took him back into my mouth, more careful this time to keep my lips wrapped around my teeth as Rosalie had instructed. _It's nothing like a popsicle_. But there was something about it. I was half naked in the dark with this foreign object in my mouth; the movement of my mouth and hands, so awkward and unpracticed. And yet, it was sensual. It was the most natural way to express the things I couldn't say.

I focused on the rhythmic sounds of the night that surrounded me, peppered occasionally with a moan slipping from Edwards's lips. The crickets helped me keep time as I moved my mouth and hand in sync. Edward's body responded to my movements, giving me cues to help me along. As I gradually increased my pace, I could feel the venom pooling up underneath my tongue. I let it flow freely at the corners of my lips, so focused on Edward's building climax that I couldn't be bothered to swallow.

My left hand ran up and down his thigh and around to his bare ass. I could feel his muscles clenched tightly through the soft layer of hair that covered his lower body. My fingers were mesmerized by its texture, finer than fresh spring grass and even more appealing. The repetition of my fingers combing over it again and again gave a numbing sensation to my fingertips. Edward brought his hands to my body, one resting gently on my shoulder, while the other searched the back of my neck.

Lost in the trance created by the rhythm between us, I was startled when I felt Edward twitch inside my mouth. I clamped my hand just a little bit tighter around him, pressing my thumb into the underside of his dick, and quickened the movement of my mouth. _Faster_. I knew it was coming, like small crack in a dam, the walls were about to burst. Another twitch, then a groan. _Harder_. The twitch became a pulse and Edward whimpered my name, pressing against my shoulder, trying to push me away. I wouldn't let him. _Faster_. He pulsed harder underneath my hand and between my lips, and I could feel his release coming.

He came into my mouth and I accepted it welcomingly. I tried to pinpoint the taste as it ran over my tongue and down my throat. It didn't have a flavor so much as an essence; warmth and salt and fulfillment. I slowed my movements to a crawl, gently running my hand up his shaft to draw out the remaining contents. As I removed my mouth, I kissed the head of his dick and he shuddered. Good shudder or bad shudder?

"Sorry," I said sincerely, meeting his eyes for the first time, not really sure what I would see there. His face glowed with euphoria as he winced, kind of a contradiction. He chuckled as his hand pressed harder against my shoulder to brace him while another tremor ripped through his body.

"No, Bella, it's okay…it's just intense," he tried to explain with a sharp breath and a smile. "Really sensitive afterward apparently."

"Oh," I said with visible disappointment. _What happened to endless vampire sex?_ I immediately realized I should have kept my frustration to myself. Edward shook his head and knelt slowly in front of me, cringing slightly when his "sensitive" dick rubbed his leg the wrong way.

"Just give me a minute, love." I looked down, biting my lip, feeling embarrassed after giving him a blow job that rendered him weak and thinking there was no chance of having sex after that. "That was fantastic, by the way," he laughed. "Amazing."

"Really, 'cause it seems like I…broke it or something."

He kept laughing, "I've, uh, never experienced that before. Not since I was changed. It's kind of…shocking." The hand that had been resting on my shoulder moved to the back of my neck and then began running up and down my back as he pulled me closer to him. He tried to tilt my chin so he could see my face but held my head in place like stone. "Bella," he cooed, "look at me, please."

Reluctantly, I raised my eyes to his and a slight smile crept over the left side of his mouth. The look was undeniably sexy. "Bella," he whispered like it was a prayer, "stay with me tonight." He ran his thumb along my bottom lip before bringing his mouth down to meet mine.

"Yes. I'm not going anywhere," I spoke against his lips, feeling the lust rising up inside me again. In that same instant, I started to feel those old Bella-like feelings rising up inside me as well. Not just insecurities in my sexual experience but insecurities in myself. Bella wasn't pretty enough for this god of a man. Bella wasn't special enough to capture the attention of this immortal perfection. Bella simply couldn't be enough to hold him.

But I was rational enough to realize I wasn't just Bella anymore. This person loved me beyond reason or explanation just because I was me—just because I was made for him; born for him, not once, but twice. For once I felt like fate was on my side, no longer working against me, but with me, because we now had the same goal—to please the one person we existed to satisfy.

You grow up your whole life being told the world doesn't revolve around you. _Well, guess what, world…tonight, you do._ For in that moment, I realized every step every deity or person or vampire had ever taken in the span of time was taken solely to bring Edward and I together. From the creation of earth to the Spanish Influenza sweeping across Chicago, to Renee leaving Charlie broken in his driveway—it was all for us, for this night, in this meadow with the heavy night air suffocating all doubt from my mind.

I put my hands on his shoulders and pushed his torso to the ground with the force of my realization. "I'm yours," I growled as I pressed my body flush against his, "that's all I've really ever been. It's all I ever want to be." The sound of my voice was muffled against his chest, but I knew he heard me because his body tensed underneath me.

"Say it again?" He begged me in a whimper. I smiled against his skin, relishing the sense of power I felt, knowing I had the words that could crumple a god, leaving him crying for more. I lifted my eyes to his and inject every ounce of my being into my words.

"I'm yours, Edward." His name rolled of my tongue differently just then. In the past week his name had been a curse word, ugly and sharp. It had been a battle cry, muddled and confused. Just moments ago, it was a lullaby comforting and sweet. And now his name was my own, as much a part of me as the name Bella.

"You've finally found me, haven't you?" He chuckled and I watched the moonlight bounce around in his golden irises. "I can see it in your eyes, it's like you're seeing me for the first time all over again."

He was right; it was like our first trip to this meadow. For the first time in as long, I was able to see him again for what he was—a gorgeous creature whose eyes danced as if on command solely for me. Not the monster who stole from me, but the man who risked everything to be with me. I was able to see him again as he had always seen me, an object of desire and hope, with nothing tainted and hateful lurking in the shadows of my thoughts. In this Bella and Edward centered world, for this one night at least, everything else truly fell to the wayside. The universe existed only to bring us together, the means and circumstances be damned, as long as we ended up here.

The thoughts strung together in my mind and I knew it was true. "I see you, Edward, untainted, like I've wished I could a hundred times since that day." I ran my hands along his chest as I spoke and I could feel his body responding to my casual touches.

"You are living proof of redemption, Bella," he stated simply, like it wasn't the most profound thing anyone had ever said to me. Everything had changed on that night. This wasn't merely a bandage, this was the fix. Edward held the keys to my peace, I realized. I was finally ready for him to unlock the door, to embrace everything I could be—everything we could be together.

I decided against asking him to stick his key in my lock…just didn't carry the proper weight without the explanation behind it. "Prove to me that I'm yours, Edward."

Immediately I heard rips and tears, as I watched our hands flying in a flurry between us, as if moving of their own volition. In an instant we were naked, no barriers left between us. Furious kisses met my mouth and face and neck as I straddled Edward's hardness. My moisture seeping out onto him with every brush of my body against him, inviting him in, begging his entrance. More than one I heard him moan after taking in a deep breath of the air around us, the sweet scent of an early spring night intensified by my need for him.

"I'm going to prove it now, Bella," his voice was breathy and hoarse, but his hesitation was still evident, "like right now, okay?" I answered silently by rolling onto my back and pulling him with me in one fluid movement. Edward pushed his hands into the ground on either side of my face to readjust his body. I felt his thighs envelope mine before I felt the actual thrust. I yelped in pain, but also in pleasure. He only heard the pain and pulled out of me before the last notes of my voice had faded from the air.

"Oh, God, Bella!" he cried, cupping my face tenderly.

"No, it's fine," I said though clenched teeth, "Don't you know there's such as thing as good pain?"

His face told me that he did not. I reached my hand to his head and gripped his hair between my fingers. I pulled away from his scalp with slightly inhuman force and measured his reaction. His eyes rolled back into his head as he let out a deep monad and slid back into me.

I tried to keep my mouth shut this time but it was impossible. A whimper escaped my tightly closed lips. I felt him pull back slightly and so I tightened my grip on his hair and tugged. My free hand flew to his ass, and between the two holds, I held his body in place. "It's just tight, Edward, I suppose it will always be." I loosened my grip on his hair as he stared down with uncertainty in his eyes. "You don't seem very happy that I'm going to be this tight forever?" I tried to joke, to lighten his mood.

"I'm hurting you, Bella, right this moment, I see it in your face…all I ever do is hurt you." His sadness was a weight on my chest. That same desire to comfort him—to please him—overwhelmed me. Maybe firmness wasn't the best way to approach this. I released my hand from his hair and watched his eyes follow my hand as it slid over my stomach and into the small gap between our bodies. I heard him gasp as I began touching myself. He would take pleasure from my own; he always rose to meet me.

He looked at me with wonder, like I'd just unwrapped a present in front of him. I felt him grow incredibly harder inside me but I could feel my body giving—my insides making room for him as the moisture in my body created coated the length of his dick. I used the hand that was resting on his ass to move his body in time with mine. The movement of both of our bodies together combined with my own fingers rubbing against my clit made me impossibly wetter, until the friction was all but gone, leaving only good pain in its place.

I dug my fingernails into his perfectly shaped ass and he responded with a thrust that made me gasp. "Deeper," I groaned, and he doubled the force behind his movement. I let out a long string of moans and profanity, where it came from I didn't know. I surveyed Edward's response. Always such a gentleman, surely he wouldn't want me acting this way. I was surprised to see his face contorted with victory.

"Like this?" he asked as he drove inside me again and again, like he didn't know the very obvious answer to that question. The kinky bastard just wanted to hear me say it, and I was all too willing to give him what he wanted. I let words spill from my lips, anything that came to my mind with no censor. Some words were sweet…but they were mostly dirty. There were a blur to my own ears but Edward's received them gratefully. He thrust harder with every "fuck" and "baby" and the ever popular combo of the two, "fuck me baby." I kept pushing, for with every push he pushed back. Matching me pant for pant, passion for passion.

"Tell me, Bella," he said over and over, as I felt myself slipping into that preorgasmic state, where his pleasure took a temporary backseat, because my own was so close I could almost reach out and grab it.

"Fuck me," I growled, "You're so deep inside my pussy." The word slipped effortlessly from my lips, a word I had never uttered in this context in this life or the one before it. And as the word dissipated in the air around us, I felt him twitch inside me, and then the force of his come pressed gently against my insides. Just like that he was spent. I watched the haze of the possibility of my own climax slip away into the darkness behind him.

His body convulsed against me as he lay limply on top of me, my arm trapped between our bodies. My first reaction was disappointment, but I refused to show it. This wasn't just about me anymore. I stroked his hair with my free hand as I thought about it. I reminded myself that most women never get off during their first time, according to Renee, anyway.

I tried to focus on the positives. First of all, I had my human clumsiness to thank for that fact that my hymen had broken years ago, a definite plus. I didn't even want to imagine what it would be like to have an impenetrable membrane in the way for eternity, or worse still, if it ripped every time with the force of Edward's rock hard dick and then healed as vampire bodies do. Second, the pain was such a small fraction of what it would have been to my human body. It was nothing; pleasurable even, to be so tight around him. Third…_Ugh, who am I kidding? I was so close! _Twenty three seconds had gone by and I felt my climax slip further away with every tick of my mental clock. I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath, preparing myself to let out a sigh of defeat.

Suddenly, my light jumped before my lidded eyes.

"Bella," he growled, as he removed my hand from my pelvis and placed it on his own chest. I felt his hard nipple beneath my fingers and an uncontrollable smile crept over my face.

_We're not done yet_.

"It seems as though," he spoke slowly as he moved a hand down to my clit and began to move in small circles, his erection growing inside me until I could feel myself all the way around him. "As though you've found my…trigger."

I laughed with my whole body and felt myself clench around him. He grunted and pushed deeper into me. _Oh, that's useful_. I clenched again, this time on purpose, and listened to him hiss as he felt me tighten around him. "So Edward," I hedged, feeling particularly powerful, "if I want to make you come for me, all I have to say is…" I clenched to taunt and tease him, drunk on power and pleasure.

"Don't say it, love," he pleaded, as his hips and hand worked feverishly against me.

"Say what, baby?" I moaned as his other hand traveled up my torso, kneading my breasts.

"You know what, Bella," he whispered, bending down to kiss me and pinching my nipple simultaneously. The sweet sensation of his soft lips against mine, his wet tongue forcing itself into my mouth, barring the word from leaving my lips. The piercing pain of my nipple between his fingers, fierce enough to draw blood from a human, served only to deepen my pleasure. His fingers circling my clit, his dick thrusting deep into me.

_What was I about to say?_ "Ummmm…"

"Stop thinking, Bella." His order took root in my mind and I focused all my thoughts on each conflicting sensation and they somehow worked together in perfect harmony. I let my dirty verbal vomit flow as I lost myself in him. Closing my eyes and feeling my light hovering over me as the dizzying haze of impending pleasure pushed down on us.

Like a mist, it settled on me and I breathed it in, felt it seep into my pores. The force of it reverberating through my core, I felt it shooting out of my toes and fingertips like lightening bolts. I shouted and moaned and roared his name. I was amazed at how long the pleasure lasted, longer than it ever had when I was alone or even a few days ago with Edward's ample tongue and fingers doing the work. I milked it for every last surge, letting Edward hold himself back with every sliver of control he possessed.

As my body shook I felt myself clenching and noticed the familiar signs that his own climax wasn't far behind. I felt the last of the currents flow from my fingertips, and I raised my neck from the ground bringing my lips centimeters from Edward's ear. "Pussy," I whispered once. Twice. Three times. And the god toppled over once again.

**EPOV**

Emmett was right; after 50 or so, you start to lose count. The night was a blur of hair and grass and legs and tongues; of moans and pants and lips and eyelashes as we became acquainted with each other's bodies in every way. We both equally taught and learned as we explored and tested. Next time I was bored in school I'd replay the night in slow motion and get an accurate count. But it didn't really matter anymore; numbers and report cards were superfluous in the face of this much pleasure.

An interesting development—the word "time" was no longer my Achilles' heel. Bella had found the one word that could trump every other word in any existing language. When she said it, it was like vinegar and honey slipping from her lips. It was acrid and dirty, but it was smooth and sensual, and it sent me over the edge every time.

The sun was rising over the meadow, and I could tell this was a special day. The sun wasn't rising merely to signal the start of a new day, as it usually did in Forks. Today it was rising to shine, as it only did on the rarest of occasions in this part of the world. When the first of the morning rays touched my body, I heard Bella gasp from where she sat grinding on top of me, her hair a wild mass of tangles and wilderness, proof of her passion.

"Edward," she breathed reverently, "you're beautiful." I watched my sparkling reflection glitter in her red eyes. I would have smiled but for the ear to ear grin I was already wearing at the sight of her beautiful, bare body sparkling in the sunlight. I reached out to take her hand from where it rested on my chest, and tangled her fingers in mine.

"So are you, love," I whispered as I brought her hand to my mouth where she could see it. I kissed each of her knuckles as I watched the wonder play over her face, at the sight of her own diamond skin. She twisted her wrist to the right and left over and over, watching rainbows bounce off her radiant body. She let out a gasp but quickly cut it off, as if feeling guilty for taking pleasure in her own appearance.

I'd never seen anything like her. Striking, glistening beauty and such overt humility existing in the same body. She was my equal in every way, except for all the ways she was better than me. She completed me and made up for all the places I fell short—in control, in patience, in humanity—she had more than enough for the both of us. She covered me like a blanket; tucking in around me, warming my cold places, and attaching herself to me so tightly that I could never know comfort without her. And she was mine, finally, totally, and completely.

"Thank you," I breathed.

"For what?" she asked coyly, her eyes still sparkling from the reflection of our skin.

"For sharing yourself with me, I don't deserve you, Bella."

"Stop that," she said while leaning down to place the side of her face on my chest, "stop beating yourself up." Her fingers trailed up and down my arm, combing the thick hairs against and then with the grain.

I didn't respond. I didn't know what to say. Was she really ready to move on? Did she really understand the weight of my actions? The depth of my guilt?

As if she knew my thoughts she responded, "This is me letting go, Edward." She paused, letting her words sink in. "This is me accepting, okay?" she asked, her face still against my chest so I could feel the vibrations of her words through my body. I placed my hand under her chin and lifted her face to meet mine. Accepting me was the final nail in Bella Swan's coffin. She was consenting to the death I had sentenced her to. Her life was gone now, and she was ready to move into this afterlife with me.

"Okay," I finally agreed, and I took her one more time before the sun had fully risen.

* * *

**A/N: All right, we must chat about this. Edward laughing and wincing and glowing after the oral servicing. That is exactly how my husband acts after a blow job. Exactly. I swear to God, it fucking paralyzes him and he laughs like he's high and he absolutely cannot be touched for 30 to 45 seconds. He says it's a totally different experience than sex, not necessarily better…but yeah, pretty much better. So is that just him, do all guys feel this way? Or am I just that good at it?** **And the popsicle thing—yes, someone actually told me that. And obviously…it works, so don't laugh. =P **

**Oh, and congrats to mfeldt, who aced her A&P exam even though she was reading Fate instead of studying…I can't even imagine. My degree is in Telecom—I took Ornamental Horticulture for my science credits…and I still can't keep a plant alive. My readers are the smartest! **

**Thanks, girlies, for reading and reviewing!**


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N: **_**Twilight**_** belongs to Stephanie Meyer. Just like my Jeep belongs to the bank. I still get to drive it around...and I pay for it dearly. You see the similarities? Writing fanfic is like getting a loan from satan. **

Chapter 23: Page Turned

**BPOV**

I opened my eyes to see Edward's frame standing above me, darkened by the sunlight shining around him. "You ready to go in?" I didn't know that I was. We had made love all night and into the morning; I felt like I could keep going all day. But the sun was up, and the clouds were moving in. It was time to go home.

Edward reached down for my hand and pulled me to my feet. Somewhat reluctantly, we walked hand in hand to the edge of the meadow. Internally, I began to fret about arriving at the house with nothing covering my body but my messenger bag. Our clothes were torn to pieces; not a single article of clothing could be used to conceal even the smallest, most intimate places. Maybe we'd be lucky and everyone would be out for the day. It was Saturday, however, and the chances of that were slim. As we emerged from the brush that separated the meadow from the lightly worn path that led to the house, we saw a stack of neatly folded fabric sitting on a large stone.

"Alice," both Edward and I spoke at the same time and we laughed.

"I never even heard her stop by," Edward said, "I was kind of…distracted, I guess." He ran his fingers through his messy hair as he smiled shyly; he had never looked more boyish. An interesting contrast to the man he had finally become. The man that I had made him. I felt a twinge of anger, jealousy even, that the moment wasn't only ours to share.

"Kind of weird, huh?" I asked him, downplaying my unease, as we dressed in our perfectly coordinated, Alice-approved outfits. "That she saw us undress each other like that…and God knows what else."

"She's used to it, believe me," he answered. "And if it makes you feel any better, I've overheard her and Jasper in plenty of compromising positions."

"Yeah," I thought about that, feeling somewhat vindicated, "I guess that does make me feel better."

We walked back to the house, holding hands in silence. I felt connected to Edward in another way—in every way now. It was as if we'd been reading the same book, but I was always a few chapters behind. We were finally on the same page, and it felt good to fit with someone the way I fit with Edward. I had never really known it was possible, and yet, here I was. It was not something I had asked for or had even allowed myself to imagine. How many girls had wished for a dream like this? Out of nowhere my nightmare had turned into a fairytale.

That thought blew me away. Profound in its childlike simplicity. And it scared me a little. Seeing my whole life spread out before me. I was relieved when Edward spoke; unsure what dark, doubting place that procession of thinking might have lead me to and not even slightly curious to find out.

"I love this, you know?" Edward whispered, sounding a little giddy. "This silence between us. It's the most peace I've had in over ninety years."

I shook my head, understanding and appreciating that I fulfilled a role for him that no one else could. I willed myself to stay in this perfect moment, realizing I must never dwell on either the past or the future for too long. The now was so much better than I could have ever hoped for, so why waste my energy on anything else? I had always been good at making a decision and sticking to it. Once the hard part was over—the deliberating, the wavering, the choosing—following through was a breeze.

The decision had been made long before I was aware. There was no other way. This life, Edward and I together, it was meant to be. I was sure of that now. It wasn't like I could have been with him as a human. Everyday I would inch closer to death while he stayed seventeen. I would be too frail compared to him; intimacy would be impossible. And my blood. My blood would torture him.

_There was no other way_, I thought again. _This is it_. I had made my decision to accept this fate, and following through, I reassured myself, would be the easy part.

We when entered the house through the back door I was glad to see Emmett was the only one around. It was pretty obvious what we'd been up to all night and I didn't want to have a big, embarrassing group conversation about it.

"Whoa, you guys reek."

"Good morning to you as well, Emmett," I replied sweetly and he smiled, looking up at us from behind the Saturday morning comics he was reading.

"Perhaps a shower is in order," Edward whispered in my ear, "and you know, it's the weekend, we can take all day…"

"Edward, I need to talk…" Emmett called as Edward and I bounded for the stairs.

Edward could barely be bothered to offer his brother a muffled response as he picked me and slug me over his shoulder. "Later, Em," he mumbled, intent on groping my ass as much as possible on his way up the stairs.

We took more care with each other's clothes this time as we undressed. Edward turned on the shower with his free hand—the one that wasn't between my legs—and led me under the shower spray.

"Let's try to be quiet this time?" I begged, wondering if I was even capable of keeping my mouth shut while Edward was making me come.

And make me come, he did.

We found ourselves in positions that only close walls could afford. I felt every single one of the cool, one-inch tiles against my breasts as the hot water ran over our connected bodies, creating a growing fog when it met our cold skin. It was like being in the clouds, I thought with wonder, feeling the mist all around me. Edward rubbed soap on my back in small circles as he thrust into me from behind. His hands moved up to my shoulders and then higher, and I felt his fingertips sliding up the back of my neck and behind my ears. I shivered, the prickling sensation coursing through my body. I bit my lip to trap the loud screams that threatened to escape.

"Don't hold back, Bella," Edward whispered directly into my ear, pushing the side my face against the shower wall, while he pulled at my hips, forcing himself deeper and freeing my breasts so he could access them. His mouth continued to tickle my ear gently, as his hands roamed roughly around my body. I fought against the overpowering wave of orgasm that tried again and again to pull me under, dragging out the pleasure, knowing it would come just as soon as I allowed it.

"You're still holding back, Bella."

I swung my body around, my back against the tiles, and secured my legs around Edward's waist. He held me firmly by my ass, his fingertips digging into me with every movement of his hips. I was lost in the rhythm, mesmerized by the movement and the mist.

"Edward! What the hell?" Rosalie yelled, pounding on the bathroom door. "You've used every drop of hot water!"

"Fuck," I hissed, my train of thought derailed, and I could no longer hold back the momentum that had been building. It crashed down on me as I struggled to banish the thought of someone on the other side of the door. Edward released then too, practically falling forward, pinning me between his body and the shower wall. It was only then that I realized the water had begun to run cold.

I groaned and reached down to shut off the spray. Edward finally freed me, mumbling a few choice words and insisting we didn't have to get out if we weren't "damn well good and fucking ready." I couldn't help but snicker at his display of anger. Rosalie really knew how to push his buttons, and I found the way he reacted endearing. In someone so strong, each small weakness I discovered was a prize. These were the things that set him apart and made him real to me—tangible, accessible, equal.

After we dressed, and Edward calmed down just enough, he went to look for Emmett while I began to unpack my bag, glancing around the room in search of places to put my precious few belongings. It was representative, I thought, putting the small, tattered remnants of my life into this big, beautiful house. They became a part of my new life, as I became a part of this new family. I thumbed through the photos I'd taken from my bedroom at Charlie's.

Charlie.

One life-changing night with Edward wasn't enough to heal that sore spot in my heart. My lost humanity would always be there. It was something that would ever go away. My task now, my goal in this unending life, was to come to terms with that. Not to eradicate that pain—that was impossible—but to learn to live in harmony with it.

I heard Edward walk through the door behind me. "Did you talk to Emmett?" I asked.

"No, he doesn't want to talk about it in front of Rosalie," he muttered, "that selfish, self-absorbed, egotistical…" He continued his rant as I stifled a laugh, unsuccessfully.

"You forgot narcissistic," I pointed out.

"Yes! Exactly. Narcissistic, egotistic…" I shook with laughter and Edward finally realized I was laughing at him, not with him.

His tone was serious. "I'm beginning to believe you think I'm _funny_, Bella, and in over one hundred years, I have rarely been described as…funny." The word sounded foreign as it left his lips.

"You are _funny_," I said with the same emphasis, "and adorable when you're angry at Rosalie, she brings out something distinctly human in you."

"Funny, huh?" he said aloud, as if pondering it for the first time. "And adorable?"

I turned to him, shaking my head, thinking it couldn't possibly be so hard for him to believe these things about himself.

"Well then, I'll have to get mad at Rosalie more often." He smiled and I felt like that statement, as casual and teasing as it had been, held much more weight. I felt that he would do anything to make me happy. Somehow I knew that was true.

He cleared his throat in the pregnant pause that followed, as if he knew I was dissecting his words and his expressions. I could see his soul; it was only obvious that I could read between his lines. But it felt like more to me. I felt _so sure_ that was what he meant, as if he had said it out loud.

"So," he said, trying to regain my attention, "I'm going to run out to the store and get you a cork board for those."

"Oh, thank you, Edward," I said, pulling myself into the present, "you don't have to do that."

"No, it's your room…"

"Our room," I corrected him.

"Yes," he smiled and pulled me in for a kiss. "Our room. Do you want one of those padded ones with the crisscrossy ribbon?"

I laughed at his emersion into all things feminine after a hundred years of male solitude. "Sure. That sounds good."

He rolled his eyes. "Clearly you've turned me into a big wimp."

"Well, then I guess I can trust you to pick out something that matches our room?"

"Maybe I'll let Alice pick it out."

"Probably a good idea."

"Yeah, she wants to get out of the house for awhile, her new Porsche is on back order and it's driving her crazy. An hour of mindless shopping for unnecessary things at Target will do her some good."

I continued absentmindedly flipping through the pictures as I fished for information. "That's an awfully nice gift to buy yourself."

Edward cleared his throat. "Actually, it's a gift from me."

"Oh." That was what I had thought.

"How do you feel about extravagant gifts, Bella?"

"I've never gotten one, so I wouldn't really know," I said blankly, playing innocent. Alice had said Edward had a gift for me too, and by God, if that gift happened to be a really fast, sleek, sports car…he was so going to get laid in it.

"There's some room over there on the shelf for your journals," he said pointing to the shelf where his own journals sat, over one hundred years worth. "If you want, I mean…if you'd rather not…"

"No, it's where they belong—next to yours."

He smiled and planted a kiss on my forehead. "I'm going to head out to the garage, Emmett's out there alone now."

"What's it about, you think?" I asked him.

"From what I gather," he whispered, "I think he's planning to propose to Rosalie."

"Aren't they already married?"

"Yeah, but they go through the motions at least once a decade." He continued after I stared back at him questioningly for a moment. "Rosalie likes the attention," he shrugged by way of explanation. "They'll both be 'graduating' this year, so it's good timing. They'll plan a big show of a wedding to make everyone in Forks believe Emmett's making her an honest woman and they'll spend next year honeymooning."

A wedding. That was something Edward and I would never have…not in the traditional friends and family, father walks his daughter down the aisle kind of way, anyway. But, then, nothing about Edward and I had been traditional thus far, and I was really starting to like that, a truly original vampire meets girl story.

Edward smiled at the contented expression on my face. He was comfortable not knowing what I was thinking, but grateful that it seemed like a good thought. I almost asked him if that was what he was musing over, because I felt so definite about it, but he leaned in for a passionate kiss before turning for the door and leaving me speechless.

Rosalie walked in just seconds after Edward had left, looking like she was in no need of a shower, and I figured she just wanted us out of the bathroom so she could corner me. I hoped she didn't plan on quizzing me about Emmett's proposal, not that you could really be that surprised after the tenth time. "So that's it, huh? You're just giving up?"

"What do you mean—'giving up'?" I fumbled with the journals, as I placed them on the shelf, avoiding eye contact with Rosalie.

"I mean, that's it? You're just going to forgive him and start playing happy little family with that asshole?"

"He's your brother, Rose…you don't want to see him happy?" It seemed easier to keep playing twenty questions than to actually answer her.

"Of course, I'd rather he was happy—he's a lot more pleasant to be around when he's not all emo and brooding—but not at your expense. If your life was what it took to make him happy…well, then it just wasn't worth it."

I didn't respond. Was it _worth_ it? Was his happiness worth the loss of my mortality? I was still adjusting to the idea. I didn't know if it was worth it. But I did know that I was tired of being miserable.

This body was made to be happy—to feast and lust and enjoy. When the brain inside this body rebelled against the natural order, I felt myself pulled in two directions. Forcing unhappiness on myself was like pitting the vampire in me against my residual humanity, my body against my mind, my future against my past. These seemed to be fights that couldn't be won. Neither side would surrender, and if I allowed it, the war would rage in me forever. I decided to put a stop to it. I called it a draw.

"This is my life now, Rose. I'm just working on accepting that."

"Do you love him?"

The answer was yes. _Most definitely yes_. Wasn't it? And did I really want to tell someone who couldn't keep her thoughts to herself around Edward? "I'm happier when I'm with him. Can't that be enough for now?"

"It's enough for him, Bella. But is it enough for you?"

"Yes, it is," I answered her question straight out for the first time, but added "…for now," pointedly. Rosalie nodded and turned to leave, but I stopped her. "Why all this concern for me, Rosalie?"

"Like it or not, you're my sister now."

"I don't buy it," I said with a smirk. I had already seen how deep Rosalie's loyalty ran; it was pretty shallow. And the weirdest part about this whole exchange was that I was okay with that.

Rosalie was herself. The same way that Emmett and Alice and Jasper, the way that all of them embraced who and what they were. They never tried to pretend to be something they weren't. Even at school, I remembered, while careful to keep up their nature hidden, they walked with confidence. They each had their role, clear cut and defined, and they never felt the need to apologize for being who they were, faults and all. That kind of steady self-assurance might take decades to learn, but I took comfort in knowing it might be mine someday.

She laughed a genuine, surprised laugh at my retort. "Well played, Bella." Her mouth turned up in to the most glorious smile, and I felt accepted. Rosalie respected me in the same speculative way I respected her. We were still feeling each other out (and both keenly aware of it) and yet, we had reached an understanding. No apologies.

"Then why?"

Her face went blank as she entered a visible state of introspection; her eyes were somewhere else. "You're so much like me, Bella, forced into this life against your will…so much I had to live for." She spoke in whisper, almost musing to herself. "Everyday is a struggle to live in the present."

I decided then and there that I didn't want to be like Rosalie. One of her in the family was quite enough. I wanted to be like Bella, to live up to the full potential of whatever that was—vampire, human—there had to be more to me than just a shell of a person. _The Bella I am when I'm with Edward, that's who I want to be_.

"Come on," Rosalie waved me toward the door, her reverie broken by the sound of the garage door opening. "We better get down there. He's about to leave."

A devious smile crept up my face, recalling the plan we had set in motion before the shocking news of my memorial service had set us down another path. A good path. The right path, I knew, as it had led me here. Both literally and metaphorically, the night before had been an end and a beginning. Though painful at the time, it was right, as so many things had been in the past week.

Rose and I ran down the stairs in a flash, just in time to hear the Volvo's engine turn over. Well, not the Volvo's engine…but the engine that Rosalie put in the Volvo.

"What the fuck?" Edward screamed in a voice that I was sure could be heard for miles. I looked out the window to see the Volvo putting down the driveway at about two miles per hour. Alice was laughing so hard in the passenger seat that the car was bouncing up and down with the force of her tiny, stone body. "What the FUCK?" Edward yelled again as he threw the car in park and jumped out in front of the house. "Rosalie, Emmett, get the hell out here!"

Jasper came down the stairs, a book still in his hand and a grin on his face. "Congratulations, Bella, this is truly an unprecedented day. I never thought I'd see Edward fooled."

"He might need you, Jasper, even I can feel the waves of anger rolling off of him right now." We both laughed as Emmett emerged proudly from the garage to accept Edward's wrath.

We followed Rosalie out the front door, and perched ourselves on the porch to get the best view of the commotion in the drive.

"Rose, what did you do to my car?" Edward sneered. Well, there may have been some more expletives in there. More like "Rose, what the fuck did you fucking do to my fucking car?" Edward was mad and it was hilarious. If he was human, his whole face would have been beet red. If he was a cartoon, steam would have been coming out of his ears. If he was a vampire…oh, shit…_should we be scared?_

"Oh, just a little retrofitting." Rosalie said, staring at her fingernails, feigning disinterest.

"What the…what the hell…" Edward muttered as he walked to the front of the car and popped the hood. "What is this? Is this a fucking lawn mower engine?"

"Go kart, actually," Emmett coughed out through his laughter. Edward ran his hands through his hair in frustration and kicked the Volvo's front bumper, leaving a vampire sized dent in the grill. He continued mumbling through gritted teeth about the damage being irreversible.

Jasper and I leaned against the porch railing, doubled over with laughter. It took a moment for Edward to realize that I was clearly in on the joke.

"You!" Edward accused, pointing his finger in my direction. "This is…you! You did this?"

I raised my eyebrows playfully. "What are you gonna do about it?"

"You better run, Swan!"

I turned on my heel, running back into the house and through the living room. I was already out the back door by the time I heard Edward leap onto the front porch. I exchanged waves with Esme as I passed by the garden bench in a blur. A broad smile crossed her face, she beamed with the pride of a mother, taking pleasure in the sound of her children playing.

Edward was hot on my heels as I paused to launch myself across the river. That was probably a bad idea. Or maybe I wanted him to catch me? I heard the thud of his body crashing into mine before I felt the impact. The icy water that, in a past life, would have made me shiver, enveloped us with a great splash.

I wiggled my body in attempt to free my waist from Edward's arms clasped tightly around me, and with just that movement I felt myself soaring through the water. I began to swim more purposefully, propelling my body forward with my arms and paddling with my feet, as Edward remained behind me, grasping me around the torso.

Swimming at full speed, with my eyes open and my lungs useless, passing the occasional trout or tadpole, I felt like a mermaid. I imagined myself as one of Ariel's beautiful dark-haired sisters, singing "We are the daughters of Triton…Is-a-bell-uh-uh-uh," as I popped out of a huge clam shell. I wanted to tell Edward, so he could laugh at me, and then we could swim hand in hand through my underwater fantasy together.

Suddenly I felt Edward jerk my body toward the surface. My first thought was that there was danger nearby, but I sensed no threat. As we broke the surface of the water, I took in a big gasp of air, just to get my bearings, as the instinct to refill my lungs simply wasn't there anymore. Edward spun me around to meet him.

"Bella, what did you say?" He was alarmed, worried even, at being surprised. That was happening to Edward a lot lately, since he brought me into his life, and it wasn't something he was used to.

"We were underwater. I didn't say anything."

"But…I…" he paused, and I could see the wheels turning in his head, but I wasn't quite sure where he was headed. "I heard you, Bella."

* * *

**A/N: WTF, right? Tell me what you think is going on. As far as how many chapters are left…well, I don't know exactly, but probably more than you think. Oh, and my husband insists it's impossible to make a go kart engine run a car, but I swear, I saw it on the news once.**

**Let me just say I'm feeling pretty honored; that last chapter of Fate got me on CapnSureYouAre's Favorite Stories list! That reminds me, are ya'll reading her story The Cygnet and The Strigoi? ****The Cygnet is like **_**alternate**_** alternate universe. She's created this whole new world with its own mythology while keeping the story parallel with the Twilight we know and love, finding new ways to explain some of the mysteries of our favorite characters. It's original and puzzling and very well written. Read it and prepare to be mindfucked :)**

**Thanks to everyone who's still reading, reviewing, and favoriting. Your uber personal reviews of the last chapter were awesome. Keep 'em coming. All hail the blow job. That is all. Muah!**


	24. Chapter 24

**A/N: **_**Twilight**_** belongs to Stephanie Meyer.**

Chapter 24: Under The Sea

**BPOV**

"I _heard_ you. You said something about mermaids and wanting to hold my hand while we swam."

I looked at him, studying his puzzled expression. I had never even opened my mouth while we were underwater; the idea of accidentally ingesting water was disgusting. Then I had an idea.

_Edward_, I thought, _the Volvo was all my idea. _

He shook his head. "Bella, I don't care about the car anymore, I…" And then he abruptly shut his mouth. "Did you just? How did you? I just…"

"You heard my thoughts?"

He moved his head up and down, wordlessly.

"Okay, let's try this," I said and thought to myself, _I wonder what color your eyes were when you were human. _After a few seconds without an answer I asked if he heard me.

"No. Just silence, like always. What did you do differently?"

"I'm not sure. Let me try again." I tried to think the statement a few different ways

_I wonder what color his eyes were_. Nothing.

More specific. _I wonder what color Edward's eyes were_. Nothing.

Phrased as a question. _What color were your eyes, Edward?_ Still nothing.

It was like I'd held the key for one brief second and all of the sudden it had slipped out of my hand.

I concentrated deeply, thinking of a barrier between us, like when he was behind me in the water and I couldn't communicate with him. I built the invisible barrier and then tried to sneak past it. _Edward, I want to ask you what color your eyes used to be when you were human without speaking. _

He smiled. "Green. My eyes were green."

I closed my eyes, focusing on his light, and spoke to him again without words. _I just have to send it to you, like I'm opening a portal to your mind. _

_I wonder if it's still open? _Edward asked, and my eyes shot open. It was Edward's voice but it was different; with a tint, like it was coming through a tin can.

"Did you just respond?" I practically squealed. "Can I hear you too?"

_I think so_, tin can Edward responded, while his mouth, set in a huge grin remained unmoving.

I shook my head in disbelief. It was too much to process. I could open my mind to Edward. Not only could I send him my thoughts, but I could hear his as well. I would have been very pissed indeed to have learned this before today, before I had accepted the fate Edward set in motion that day in the meadow. We were made for each other in everyway. I was his silence. His only peace of mind. Except for when I chose not to be. I thought of all the ways this could come in handy. On a hunt. In a fight. During sex.

_Oh, shit. How many times have I thanked God Edward couldn't read my thoughts? How many times have I thought something I wouldn't really want him to hear? Is he listening right now?_

I studied Edward's face, his smile still fully intact, no hint of confusion. He could only hear what I wanted him to hear. Could I only hear if I set my mind to it? Only one way to know for sure.

"Think something, I mean, uh, you know, send me something right now," I said out loud.

Seconds passed and I heard nothing. Edward's eyebrows furrowed.

"Okay," I told him, "now think the same thing, the same way." And this time I focused on that barrier, putting a little mental crack in it.

_I want to take you, Bella, right here in this river. I want to fuck you underwater without coming up for air. _

That came through loud and clear. He was totally unsure if I had heard him or not and once again, he was ambushed. I pounced him.

At first it was difficult, finding a way to put friction between us with nothing to brace ourselves against. As we kissed, the last of the oxygen left our bodies, and with no air in our lungs we sunk to the bottom of the river like dead weight.

_We are dead weight, love_, Edward reminded me.

I could feel the current dragging us slowly through the silt until Edward's back drifted into a large rock, and there I pinned his body against my own. And for the first time, we made love with no words, and yet with no boundaries. There were no thoughts in each other's minds that went unheard. In his mind, I saw myself the way he saw me, and I really was beautiful.

_I want to show you something_, I told him silently.

I closed my eyes to see his soul, and then I opened my mind so he could see it too.

I could tell he was smiling, from the tenor of his thoughts. _You didn't have to prove it, you know. You've given me the strength to believe in things I cannot see. _

_I just wanted to make sure you knew._

_It's funny though_, he thought, _you didn't tell me it was like two lights_.

_What?_ I opened my eyes so that in front of me I saw only his watery form, and in his mind, the memory of the light he had just seen. There were two there, partially connected, but clearly individual. Soul mates.

My own soul, it seemed, I was only able to see through his eyes…

"So, I guess this means I'll have to be the one guarding my thoughts for a change."

"How so?" Now that we were finally above water, it was time to flesh out this portal thing.

"Well," he said, swinging me gently around in circles as my legs remained tightly wrapped around his thighs as he stood in the waist high water, "it seems as though only _you_ can open the portal that connects our minds. I have tried and tried a million times to read your mind to no avail. I am only capable of hearing you when you make the conscious decision to open yourself to me."

"Ahh," I said, understanding, "so you're worried because I'll be able to peep in on your dirty mind whenever I want, but if you want to see inside my head, you have to have permission."

"Yes. Like asking for a hall pass," he said with a laugh.

"So, basically, I'll always have to initiate mental contact, or just open my mind at the right time, if you want to send me something."

He shook his head affirmatively.

"So we should have some sort of password, you know?"

Edward cocked an eyebrow. _Password? What are we, in third grade?_ he thought, unaware that the portal was open.

"Yes, like in third grade," I snapped back with a playful sneer.

_Dammit. That's going to take some getting used to_, he thought.

"Look, if we're ever in a situation where you want to say something to me without actually, you know, saying something, then you need a way to let me to open my mind."

_How 'bout pussy?_ His expression was all mischief and amusement. _That's a great password._

I cleared my throat verbally for effect, since I wasn't quite sure how to think the gesture, and responded in like kind. _Something you can say out loud, Edward. In front of others, if need be._

_Right. Right_, he thought, as he pulled my body closer to his. He shimmied my legs a little higher up his body so our eyes met and foreheads touched. _But that's a password that, maybe, we could use for something…else?_

I put my hand on his chest to push myself away from him, but Edward held me firmly against him. _As much as I'd like to, Alice is still waiting… _My thoughts became a jumbled mess as I ran my hand up and down his chest, the hard point of his nipple tickling my palm over and over. _Target…corkboard…password…pussy…_

_I thought so_, tin can Edward said, and I could hear the smirk in his inner voice as he plunged me back into the rushing water...

I had lost all track of time, not easy for a vampire constantly aware of everything around her.

We found ourselves lying on the bank, my back to Edward's stomach, my head resting underneath his chin. We were about two miles from home, in soaking-wet clothes, soaking up each other's minds. At my request, Edward was showing me flashes of his blurred human memories. His family's apartment in Chicago. His father under the hood of a piece of automobile history. A mental picture of his mother, her piercing emerald eyes staring back at me.

"That's why my eyes looked like," he said aloud, and then proceeded to show me an image of his human self in the mirror. Aside from the blurry edges, he looked exactly the same in his memory as he did in that very moment on the bank. He was sharper now, more chiseled and defined, but still seventeen. He heard my comments, as the portal was still open, our thoughts flowing freely between each other's minds. "That was right before the flu hit," he whispered into my ear.

I sighed both internally and aloud, thinking of us both being seventeen forever.

"I'm grateful though, you know," he told me, "even if you can read me like a book whenever you want, I'm glad that I can't hear you all the time."

"I understand," I said, and closed my mind. "We'll be careful with it. I don't want to wear it out; it will just be for special times."

I felt him nod, unsure what his thoughts were as I had already closed the portal, but glad to be in the dark. "Plus," I added, "I know how obnoxious it is to watch you and Alice have a practically silent conversation. We'd drive the whole family crazy communicating in our heads all the time."

"Obnoxious?" he sounded offended.

"Come on, Edward, I can't even begin to imagine all the secrets you share with Alice." There was a silence, and I felt selfish for saying it. It wasn't fair to him; he couldn't change the past just because I wasn't in it. I focused on the future. "But it doesn't matter, we'll have our own secrets now," I stood, turning around to grab his hand and pull him with me toward the water, "secrets about fair mermaids and dashing mermen."

With that I dove into the water and heard Edward's splash behind me. He swam up beside me grabbing my hand. I smiled. _Let's go home._

Home to our castle on land. The beautiful mermaid who gave up her fins to be with her prince and tried very hard not to look back to the sea.

We approached the house soaking wet, but quite clean, at least, compared to last time. _Will we tell them? _I asked Edward.

Before he could even think an answer, Alice sprung out the back door and onto the patio. "This sure is an interesting development!"

"You saw?" Edward asked her.

"Of course I did, silly. Bella, who knows how much of your shielding powers are still untapped! This is so exciting! Try sending me a message!"

"Alice, I don't think…"

"I knew you'd say that. Come on, try!"

I really didn't think it would work. This connection, I hoped, was for Edward and me alone. So I just let my thoughts flow, figuring I'd prove her wrong.

_Dammit, Alice. I adore you. You're wonderful. But I wish you couldn't see it every time your brother and I have sex!_ Her expression remained unchanged, and I knew it wasn't working. I kept going._ I don't want you to see my future._

Alice gasped. Her eyes slammed shut and her hands shot to her forehead like she was in pain. She stumbled. Vampire…stumbled. That was a first.

"Alice," Edward rushed to her side, "you heard that?"

"What are you doing to me, Bella?" Alice asked, her eyes still closed, her fingers rubbing her temples, as her body leaned against Edward for support.

"I…I don't know. I just…I thought about how…" How could I say this without hurting Alice's feelings? "I thought about how I didn't want you to see my future…you know, for…privacy."

"What is this, Alice, why are you in pain?" Edward asked.

"Her future. It just disappeared." Alice spoke through gritted teeth. "A few minutes ago…she was going to go upstairs and change. I could see what she would wear. And now. Nothing."

"Can you make it stop, Bella?" Edward asked, concern in his face. "I can hear it in her head, it's like white noise, it's giving her a migraine."

Oh, God. I panicked. I was hurting Alice. _What am I going to do, Alice? What will I wear? Tell me my future,_ I begged. And I felt the tension releasing, like my mind was snapping back into place, no longer intruding on Alice's will.

Alice's face relaxed, her eyes opened, she could stand on her own. "Well, that's not what I expected!" she said with a faint smile.

"Are you kidding me, Alice? I just…I just fucking tortured you with your own gift or something! I'm so sorry."

She held out her arms and I rushed up to embrace her, mumbling apologies over and over.

Edward looked on from a distance of a few feet, arms folded across his chest, simply observing.

"You're just strong, Bella. You're a newborn, remember? Like everything else, you'll learn to control this," she said, pushing me away from her slightly so she could look up into my eyes, "and the good news is, maybe someday you'll be able to block my powers and I won't have to see you and Edward getting it on!"

"But then we'll be walking home naked, won't we?" I asked, trying to force a smile. I still felt horrible for the pain I had caused her, though she was clearly trying to pretend like it was a faint memory.

"Go on upstairs and change, you two. I don't think we'll be doing any shopping today."

"Thanks, Alice." I fought the urge to apologize yet again as Edward opened the back door I walked through it.

_What the fuck was that, Edward?_ I asked him as we headed through the living room and up the stairs.

_It's funny, actually._

_What part of that_, I pointed back down stairs, _was funny?_

_No. Not that. That was some freaky shit. But what's funny is that…a lot of the time, when I'm with you, just the two of us, I can't hear other thoughts. Even just Alice downstairs or Emmett in the garage. I'm starting to think this whole time, it's been a part of your latent powers. And I thought…_

I nodded for him to continue as he opened the bedroom door and waved me in ahead of him.

_Well, honestly, I thought it was just because I was so obsessed with you_. Thoughts and images flashed through his mind. _Naked Bella. Bella's ass bending over in the garden. Naked Bella. Bella's cleavage, red bra showing. _

I couldn't help but laugh, as I watched him struggle to control the images.

"All right. That's it. Close it now, Swan."

_No way. This is too good. Keep going, perv, _I thought as we began to undress ourselves.

Immediately Edward's thoughts shot to a fantasy of me in the shower. I was human. He was lathering the soap all over my body, not unlike the actual shower we had shared earlier that morning. I could feel him trying to stop it. Stop thinking about it. Stop me from seeing it. _Bella, please, don't listen to this_. In the fantasy, he touched me, and his memory recalled the imaginary secretion of my human body as he rubbed it between his fingers.

I was so turned on, seeing this side of him, his voyeuristic nature. Realizing he was thinking these thoughts about me before he even knew me, that he was so drawn to me even then, it made me crave him so strongly in the present. He slammed me against the shower wall and forced himself inside of me with one thrust. Nothing like the true Edward, really, who was so concerned with hurting me the first time.

And then in his mind, as his dick was fully consumed by me, and our pelvises met, his teeth sank into my neck and I watched the blood pour out from my body. Dark red as it flowed from the wound, the color became increasingly diluted as it ran down my body and mixed with the shower's spray, until it was just a light pink as it entered the drain. I tried to focus on that, the blood wasted, and not the blood consumed.

In the end, I don't know who stopped the vision. The memory. The fantasy. Whatever it was. That might have been where it ended for Edward. Or he might have reigned in control of his thoughts. Or maybe I had snapped the portal shut, clutching my shield tightly around me.

The sex. The bite. The blood. It scared the living hell out of me…because it excited me.

"Bella, I…I'm so embarrassed. I'm ashamed. I know what you must think…what this looks like to you."

"It's my own fault," I said diplomatically. "If I'm going to go traipsing around in your head, I need to know that I may not like what I see." The truth was that I wanted to be self-righteous. I wanted to scream. I wanted to pound my fists against his chest. I wanted to demand, _how could you?_

_How could you fantasize about fucking me and biting me and drinking the life out of me?_

But I couldn't do that, because, I feared, if the roles were reversed, maybe I would have done the same thing.

And maybe I would have done it slower so I could savor the taste.

And maybe I would have made it more painful so I could hear him beg for mercy.

I shook my head, trying to clear the images from my mind. The lust and bloodlust so intermingled I couldn't tell up from down or right from wrong.

I hoped maybe hearing Edward's thoughts would soothe me. I opened the portal just a hair, so tentatively. The way a human lifts just one eyelid just a little bit from behind slightly parted fingers during a scary movie.

_Bella, I'm sorry. I never meant to. I was so sure I could control it_. Edward went on in his mind, begging me, hoping I was listening.

_You idiot!_ I screamed inside. _Shut up! Shut up! _

Edward tensed, fear contorting his face. He tried to silence his mind but his thoughts rambled on without his control. _What did I do? How do I fix this? Oh, God, she's so angry._

And I felt it. I felt angry. I felt vengeful and wrathful and fucking powerful.

And I felt good.

I wasn't angry at Edward. Truthfully, in that moment, I couldn't give a shit about Edward. I didn't even attempt to close the portal back up. I let all my angry, power-drunk thoughts flow freely.

_I. Need. To. Hunt._

And then there was a flicker of recognition in his eyes. _No, Bella. No. I won't let you._

"Stop me, Edward," I whispered, and I wasn't sure if it was a plea or a challenge. My mind reeled with blood and gore and thirst extinguished. I headed for the door, but Edward was in the way. I turned for the window. He was there too.

_Let me go, Edward. Let me out of here!_

"No, Bella." He grabbed my wrist and twisted my arm behind me in some kind of karate move. His other hand came up from behind me and clasped my throat. "No."

In a move so quick I could hardly register, he flung me around and onto the bed, jumping on top of me and pinning me between his legs.

"Get off of me," I growled, surprised at the feral sound coming from my body. I kicked my legs and beat his chest and tried to scratch him with my nails.

"It's no use Bella. Your nails cannot break my skin." In a flash, his teeth were at my throat. _But my teeth will break yours. And it will hurt._ I continued to struggle against him. I was relentless. I had teeth just as strong as his. I could bite him just as easily.

And then I felt his teeth pressing into my skin. Not hard enough to puncture. But hard enough to threaten.

I decided to switch tactics. I went from bloodthirsty bitch to starving dependant with the snap of my fingers.

"Edward, baby, I just need to feed." He chuckled that dark, doubting chuckle I was getting to know so well. "Come on, let's go hunting…in the woods. It'll be safe." _Please baby, don't you love me?_

My voice was full of cunning, but my thoughts were still dripping with red.

"God, Bella," Edward huffed as he sat up, removing his teeth from my neck and straddling me. He pinned both of my arms above my head, and I let him, because I was confident enough to think I might be tricking him.

_No, love, you're not tricking me. But I will do whatever it takes to stop you. _

He used his free hand to pull down his boxer briefs; his rock hard dick springing free of its confines. The sight of it confused me further. I wanted Edward inside of me. I also wanted Edward off of me. I wanted my teeth in something.

I wanted my teeth in someone.

Edward shoved my panties to the side, and thrust into me quickly, binding me the only way he knew how. Ropes and chains and cells could not hold me, but he could.

I thought we had had some passionate sex before. On the ground. Underwater. Dirty words flying left and right. That was nothing compared to the fucking Edward gave me to save me from myself.

All I could feel was rage as Edward tried to distract me from my thirst over and over again, but every time I turned to his thoughts, all I heard was love.

**EPOV**

I was so excited by the new revelations about Bella's shield. We could share thoughts when she chose. For the first time I could hear her voice in my mind and it was like solving a puzzle, the last piece finally in place. But I didn't have to sacrifice the peace her silent mind provided me either. She could close her mind to me as easily as she could open it. The fact that this connection wasn't made clear to us until we had consummated our relationship was not lost on me.

That wasn't all. When we were together, it was like I was under her spell. Bella's shield covered me and I was unable to hear the thoughts surrounding me. The silence I experienced when I was with her was no coincidence; it was just one small facet of her gift. Her ability to inhibit Alice's power with a single command amazed me. There was no denying it, Bella could be dangerous. Control lay at the heart of her powers, and too much control can always lead to corruption. However, at the time, I wrote it off, as Alice had. She was young; she just didn't know the strength of her powers.

But then she looked in my head, and she saw things she should never have to see. It was just one of many, many images that I never wanted Bella subjected to. In all of them I was a bloodthirsty monster. In any one of them Bella would experience a rush she had never fathomed—the thrill of the chase through deserted streets and dark alleys, the burning of the thirst just on the cusp of being quenched, the aroma and flavor of blood so sweet it could not be resisted.

I didn't immediately realize what was rising up in her. She was angry. What she had seen in that fantasy was my desire to use her, to consume her in everyway, and leave her dead in her shower. But then I saw the look in her eyes. It was the same look, in the same terrifying red eyes, that I had seen reflected in the minds of my victims time and time again. It was the same way I looked when I killed.

Bella couldn't just _see_ inside my head, she could _feel_ what I had felt in that moment. She watched it happen in my mind, and it was like she was there; a full sensory experience. She had experienced the sound of teeth breaking skin, the scent of blood filling the air, the taste of it, thick and warm, filling her mouth, and all of the intense emotions that went with biting and killing.

For the first time I saw darkness in Bella. It was there, in all of us, dormant as long as we suppressed it, but stirred as easily as a child awakened on Christmas morning. Admittedly, it stung to see Bella that way. This was not as the angelic soul that she embodied, the perfection I strove to come close to; this was the fiend she could so undoubtedly be, the monster I had created.

Bone of my bones. Flesh of my flesh. She was too much like me for her own good.

There was only one thing I had ever wanted as much as I had wanted her blood. That one thing was her body. And so I gave her mine.

I put myself inside her, and I held her so tightly that I thought I might combust from being so attached to her in every way.

* * *

**A/N: Tell me what you thought of this one, bbs! Since the circumstances of Bella's transformation were different (she was changed without prior knowledge of vampires and has no child to protect) her powers are more offensive rather than defensive. Discuss.**

**Thank you for reading and reviewing, my dears! I hope you all see yourselves as Edward & I see you—beautiful :)**


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